A Wanderer Passing By!

Author's note: I tend to write in a poem format nowadays versus a journal like-blog piece. I do hope those few select who read me, are still able to connect to the piece as they did with earlier pieces.
I am always keen on hearing how the piece made you feel or even any feedback against it. Please feel free to email me or put in the comments your thoughts.

“And you must not worry about me. You must follow your dreams. You have your life ahead of you. I am just a wanderer passing by” – Avijeet Das

You know how the waves keep kissing the shore,

They are rejected every single time, but they come back,

I feel I am like that wave returning to a shore that denied me,

Even after thinking I shouldn’t be ‘hoping’ anymore,

And just like the ocean has its tides, moods so to speak,

It just gives up that hope and takes some steps back,

As if to assess whether the shore even cares of its existence,

I feel like I am doing the same thing with us,

And it hurts me more than it is hurting you, 

And to know that; to realize that, is tremendously painful.

The deeper the affection; the greater the pain,

And within the depth of longing is a bitterest feeling,

I hate it you know; trust me, I really hate it,

It is like a dagger that keeps piercing me, day and night,

So, when we speak, my words are sharper than usual,

And I know this will ultimately cost me a greater loss, you!

I would ask you to be patient with me, but it is unfair,

But as I likely fade from your life, you should know one thing,

Remember when you said our conversation would lighten eventually,

That the power or the frequency would deteriorate over time,

I couldn’t disagree anymore because I don’t believe that at all!

Our conversations weren’t meant to subside if we opted for them not to…

Do you think after all these years, that was a random message meant to go nowhere?

I think we were meant to be connected at this point in time; it was ‘maktub’,

I also think we just went with the flow, and that led to fear, which led to a turn,

A turn that cost me a lot, to be honest, and this is why I had built walls,

So, although it was only for a couple of weeks as it ended up being,

I believe it was a great journey, at least for me, and I re-live it,

Every single moment of every single day, I think of what we could have been.

So, my dearest friend, fellow wanderer, or most likely, a soulmate,

I wish you nothing but the best in pursuit of your dreams,

I understand your choice of them over me; I hope you do achieve all of them, and more,

I also hope we continue to talk and remain ‘connected’,

Although I have not done a good job so far, I promise to try, better!

I had promised I’d be there for you, so I always will be, 

Even though right now it may seem to you I am not, but I am,

I can only hope that if I don't listen, you fight me and especially with me through this phase,

But, just in case, should you wish to give up on me, I won’t blame you,

After all, who was I or, who am I except just a wanderer passing by…

“Tumhari duniya main hum jaise hazaaron hai Faraz, 

Hum hi pagal the jo tumhe paa kar itrane lage” - Ahmed Faraz

Peace!

Champ!

Two Wandering Souls...

You know you shouldn’t have slid into my DM’s like that,

It was the best and worst thing that happened to me in ages,

Best because you re-introduced me to love or at least to the feeling of it,

You made me once again meet the Rahim I thought ceased to exist,

You became the reason I smiled without even needing a reason,

Worst because just as I was re-gaining light, you waved goodbye,

It was like someone lit a match to light a candle and quickly blew it,

Just when I thought I was safe from all of this,

You walked into my life, the most beautiful storm I have encountered…

You know I was so used to my loneliness and solitude,

As an introvert, I was born to accept that I must be with myself,

And if I am to be happy, I should love to be with myself,

And I took years to learn and perfect that art,

I have learnt to sleep on a wet pillow filled with my tears,

I have learnt to protect my inner core with walls,

Walls that are so high that even I can’t climb to look on the outside,

Walls that are meant to protect me from people, who bring hope,

Hope that someone has finally arrived on the shore of my life,

To love me, care for me, like I have for others, all these many years,

Hope that as a wanderer, I have finally found a destination…

It was ‘maktub’ for two wandering souls to finally cross paths,

For two very similar shadows to merge and walk together,

I believe things happen for a reason in life and we did not ‘just’ meet,

I believe He who is above all else is an Artist overseeing a beautiful painting,

He paints every stroke on it knowing the beauty it will add,

The irony in all of this is that you too were finding a destination in me,

Perhaps I am completely wrong, and this is all my illusion,

But my instinct tells me otherwise, and I always believe what it says you know,

I have no end for this piece, and I would like to believe, the same goes for us…

"A soul mate is not found. A soul mate is recognized" – Vironika Tugaleva

Peace!

Champ! 

Budhao :)

In recent conversations with someone, I have been reminded of one of the most influential, important and significant figures of my life, my Budhao, my Khan Nanu. It is not that I had forgotten him, but it feels like someone reading my journals has flipped back to the page where I wrote about him. I went back to my blog and read the piece I wrote about my Nanus (http://whitelyz.blogspot.com/2018/05/my-nanus.html). I realize I had mentioned that I will write about my Budhao but never had the chance to do it, so this evening, at 2021 (every pun intended as 2020 is far too screwed up!!), seated in front of a quiet Bangrak beach in Koh Samui, Thailand with mosquitoes irritating me, I am going to put down this piece for my Nanu…

My Nanu started serving the Jamat and the mosque in Aliyabad, Karachi and then later moved to Kampala. I am not sure of the precise number of years he served in Karachi but I think it was over 20 years and in Kampala, it was 23 years, so of his 78 years, he served for nearly 43, at least. I could see the light of the blessings in his eyes and in the entirety of his life. He began meditation at the age of 8 and did not stop until he passed away. Of all my Nanus, who I feel were all ‘elevated’, I have spent most of my time with Budhao and he was the closest Nanu to me. From scolding me to guiding me with life lessons, from buying my first phone (Nokia 2600) to paying for the glasses I broke while batting in cricket, I owe a lot of myself to him. I also know for a fact that I am reaping the fruits of his deeds otherwise I don’t for one second believe that I have done anything worthy of much of what has been bestowed upon me so far. I am profoundly blessed, beyond my thoughts to be a part of his legacy; no amount of words will express how truly and deeply I believe this! I want to share some specific incidents in this piece about him as well as lessons which I will never forget and things I am known for or can do but owe all of it, to him…

My father used to make chai (tea) in Karachi at Karimabar Jamat Khana (JK). I always knew this but did not have the slightest clue that I could continue that legacy in Kampala. 1 evening after prayers, as usual, I was with my friends hanging out when he called me upstairs to the prayer hall saying he needed help. There was a health session in the Diamond Jubilee Hall (DJ Hall as it was called, and anyone from Kampala will tell you, it was, rather is our most treasured place!) and they wanted chai. The expected number was 35. I had never made chai for 2 people, leave alone 35, that too in JK so I shared my hesitation with him. He smiled and said, “don’t worry, I will share pointers and if you follow them, you will reach your destiny”. He gave me the keys to the store and precise measurements; x litres milk, water and amount of tea leaves. Nervous but courageously, I did as he said. As Paulo says in The Alchemist, beginner’s luck, I got it! The tea was loved by everyone and I thought to myself ‘wow, I can do this!’. I then began making chai for events at JK and did it for almost 9 years. During the 2011 celebrations, I made 100 litres tea, twice in 1 night during one of the garba ceremonies – a day engraved in my heart as one of the finest days of my Uganda journey.

There is something about enlightenment, it can’t be hidden. Regardless of the faith you practice, the elevation is something open to all. It is a search and that has no limits or boundaries and those who courageously as well as persistently practice and are blessed by He who is above all else, find the true meaning of life. I cannot touch much (wow, rhymes!) on this topic but Budhao was certainly one of them! He is undoubtedly the most elevated soul I have known all my life!

I miss him a lot today and I feel the time I spent with him on this planet was really little although it was 20+ years. There were many times I had questions about my faith, my practices, my actions, people’s actions, decisions to be made when I was at a crossroad and he had all the answers.
No one knows this but there was a time period in my life, some months after Dad passed away that he would come and meet me. I was unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to meditate… Every time, I would deeply close my eyes, I would see him, right there, gazing at me and smiling. To be honest, as much as it brought peace and happiness, it also scared me. My Nanu helped me through that phase with his guidance.
I re-call him telling me to maintain and hold fast on my faith when I was politically undone in Kampala for an opportunity that means the world to me or how he told me to calm down when serving because otherwise, I am losing the essence of it. I remember how I hated when he called me to help him because I was too stupid to value television or cricket over service – today, I can give everything I have to go back in time and assist him. I re-call how I discovered the places he hid the extra chocolates he got, which eventually would be mine anyways, but he wanted me to learn how to be patient and not let my ambitious self-get the better of me. I am ashamed to admit that I was foolish not to learn everything I possibly could from him but immensely grateful that I got to absorb as much as I did and I am guided by these learnings.

My Nanu, my Budhao supported me; was and still is, my pillar in life. I still carry his lessons with me, his Ghatpath Dhaga, which he gave me before going to the OT, is in my journal as a lifelong memory of his presence.
On 18^th March 2017, my Nanu went through almost an 8-9-hour surgery for his lip cancer treatment. On 21^st March 2017, Navroz (Persian New Year), he suffered a cardiac arrest at 4am but survived after being revived 5 times. The doctor, in fact, had told me that day to be prepared to let him go. Was I prepared? I don’t think so… He passed away 9 months later on Chandraat, day of the new moon. Was I prepared then? Mentally, perhaps but emotionally, I am still not prepared!! From the day of his surgery to the day he finally left this world, it was painful but also very inspirational to see how his Faith wasn’t shaken. I would like to hope and pray that I can have 10% of the courage, service, strength, belief and faith that he had. If I can manage that, I will consider my life a huge success.

I could write a book on my Nanu but I just want to conclude with the following lines of his favorite song:

Woh na milega ab tujhe, jiski tujhe talaash hai,

Raahon main aj be-kafan, teri wafa ki laash hai,

Yeh toh zara bata mujhe, tune kiya tha pyaar kyun,

Ae dil kisi ki yaad main hota hai bekarar kyun,

Jisne bhula diya tujhe, uska hai intezar kyun…

Happy B’day Nanu! RIP!

Peace!

Champ!

The Path of Love, or not?!

"Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life" - Merle Shain

Author's note: I am hoping that this piece will help those few select who read me, reflect on their lives and choices. Many of us find ourselves at a crossroads where we either choose to be with someone we connect with or let go and continue life by ourselves. I have pretty much always opted for the 'solo' path after discovering that the emotional one does not do well for me but this seemed to have changed temporarily. I am hoping that for those who are encountering such a scenario, this piece brings out the feeling of what it is like to be on either end of the decision, and I hope, I sincerely hope, you choose to love...

Watching the sunset from one of the viewpoints I discovered on this beautiful island of Koh Samui, I am wondering which direction life is sending me. In just a matter of a week or so, life has taken a U-turn it seems or just a turn, to a path I felt I had let go ages back; a path I had forgotten; a path I seemed to purposely ignore existed; the path where one does not walk alone, the path of walking with 2 shadows at the back; the path where even a wanderer finally finds a destination.

Some days later, I see that the path has faded and this time, after a very long time, the decision to let go isn’t mine, it is of the person who I hoped to walk with. I guess this is karma, for all those times when I said no to the folks who wanted to walk with me. Life has a very funny of way operating in that it will surprise you by showing you light in a dark tunnel and just as you walk towards it, what seemed a source of light is merely a reflector asking you to turn, once again… As a wanderer for as long as I can remember, I have walked alone, of course with small periods of having someone in my life but never a firm sense of commitment and I was used to it but these past couple of weeks reminded me of how beautiful life can be with someone as well as in it and I don’t understand why it would do so, if it were to only be a temporary thing. My best friend once cautioned me about giving in so much of myself to the relationships/friendships in my life because he knows I give in way more of myself than I should and eventually it leads to hurt. 

Thinking about this one, one may say that it was really short so why so much thought behind it? I don’t quantify my connections with someone. There is no concrete time frame for someone to become valuable in one’s life. There are people you know over years who at the end of the day are purely acquaintances and then there are those who just walk in and blow your mind away, so who is determining how much time is sufficient to feel a connect? Shitu and I became friends in 2004 and have been best friends for 16 years, Alhamdulilah! However, I have not seen him for 15 years! In 2005, he left for US and we haven’t met since then! We used to send each other 1 email in months during the times of Yahoo and Hotmail messenger, I have forgotten his b’days (as I don’t remember b’days really) and even missed his marriage. If you ask him, he will not mention the last 2 points I did because his heart chose me as a person and not the distance or the time difference that separates us. Regardless of who I meet, Shitu is irreplaceable in my life! Mind you, I know other folks much longer than I know Shitu but that means little to nothing. Connections, clicks are ‘maktub’ and should not be time quantified…

This is an emotionally written and driven piece, as are most of my other pieces but lastly, I wish to say that if possible, if even 0.01% possibility exists, choose love. A relationship or love, the purest and truest one at least is not prison sentence or a rope that hold you down. It is like the 2^nd tire to your bike, the 2nd wing or engine to the aircraft that will add lift to your flight so instead of letting fear get the better of you, try walk a few steps with the person and see. I have to admit that I have always chosen the other path, so it is very ironic that my advice today is this. Time and time again, life offered me someone I could walk with and quite honestly, I ran away from that but today when I seemed to have found my destination, it has opted to do the same to me, and it sucks! I wanted to conclude this piece with a 2 liner I have deeply loved over the years:

“do hi dinn kathin guzre hai zindagi main,

ek uske ane se pehle, ek uske jaane kay baad”

Peace!
Champ!

Island Life!

I wanted to share about my new life so I started this piece months back when I arrived here. I have taken all this time to kind of complete it. I am not convinced that this is the piece I intended to write or that it is complete but none-the-less, I did not want to hold on to it anymore. I need to write about how I am managing my passion for travel and photography in that I am 'island hopping' over the weekends.

Honeymoon days!

“There is light at the end of the tunnel” or “hard work pays off”; both clichés, right? Well, they may well be for some but for me, I couldn’t agree anymore. I am at a beach seated on a comfortable cushion, watching the waves right in front of me, feeling the breeze, listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan as I sip my ginger ale and type this piece – island life!
A short while back, I was on the phone with mom and I was explaining to her how life has changed, how much I love it here and how I don’t have enough words to express my gratitude to He who is above all else.
A few months back, I was in Karachi, a noisy and disorganized city as I have always seen it in terms of living there. I was struggling with finances (big time) yet did not let anyone realize it except the very few closest to my existence; I had a tough office to deal with; my teeth were hurting and worsening due to my chocolate and soda intake and on top of that what upset me more is the hypocrite driving – after all, the city’s incompetence means they issue every other tom dick and harry a driving license! In fact, most of them don’t even have one but who does their job to stop all this!! Anyways, one fine day, a call changed everything and here I am, some 4 months later, in a bar on an island with my Mac at 2343, or 1143pm for those who use the normal clock style :p, as if I have accomplished everything I ever wanted or there was to, which is the furthest thing there can be from the truth.

PS: I am seated on the same spot I did some months back when I connected with someone only to end up locking lips shortly after – what a sweet memory that is for me!!

Btw, today is Dad’s B’day and surprisingly it has not been a tough day for me like it was last year, when I drowned, quite literally!; doesn’t mean I have stopped missing him, but I can tell that the wound is becoming numb, on the surface at least! One other thing I have been very good at hiding from Mom is how much I miss him! I have broken down within ever since he left but for her, I need to be me.
Life seems to have turned in a completely different but the right direction. For quite some time, I kept asking my Lord why He isn’t giving me the path I seek? I kept telling Him how sad, stressed and helpless I felt yet there was no relief for me, aside from my Faith (which ranks above all) and things I did for myself like badminton, long drives or late-night walks at AKU. As I sit here tonight, I can tell you that He surely answers but at the right time for He knows more than we will ever. In my previous piece, I mentioned paying the price – so once you have paid the price, you get the answer!

Another day, the same bar, continuing this piece…

It is very windy today, like seriously windy and the tide is very high. Coco Tam’s has these seats, which allow one to view the ocean and feel the tide as they eat or drink, or for someone like myself, type J. Tonight, it is so windy that they have closed down that space. This has become what I refer to as ‘my spot’!
I love coming here; the ambience is amazing but, on some nights, I need it. The ocean is my relief, to be honest; it soothes my soul even with the level of solitude it holds. There are times when I just need to be with myself be by writing my feelings down, lying under the sky, feeling the sea breeze or having a cup of masala chai; I just need to be with myself! Even though I have gotten better at it, my solitude does get to me. Is it weird that even a wanderer can miss love in his life? Is it weird that for someone who has gotten used to being alone, sometimes, this seems the last thing he’d like to be? So, well folks, if you have love in your lives, treasure it, and don’t lose the person. There will be times of difficulty, compromise, fighting and even thoughts that walking away is the best thing to do, but trust me, stay put and fight it out, especially if you believe that they are the one for you!
Take it from someone who is used to seeing only 1 pair of footsteps behind him when taking a beach walk, love is the best thing that will touch you!

Another day, same bar, concluding this piece…

Price paying days!

One thing lately that has happened is I end up writing in blocks, which I believe is not so bad. There are moments when words flow and after a certain time, one loses that rhythm. Rather than forcing to write for the sake of finishing the piece, it is best to hold back and continue at some later point.

During the days when I began the piece, someone remarked ‘you are on your honeymoon days’. I kind of knew what he was implying but did not think much of it at the time. Today, after almost a month on this island as its resident, I can tell you, he couldn’t have said it better. Don’t get me wrong, I am still loving every bit of my life here, but it isn’t all that easy. I manage a beach front villa with an infinity swimming pool but how many times do I get to take a dive? Perhaps once a week, if at all. I have the ocean right in front of me but again, how many times do I get to swim? Again, not much. I do take the beach walks but even that has now reduced. 

A couple of months later…

Once again at the same beach bar with ginger ale, only this time watching a fire show and getting to know this stranger beside me, in bits because she is watching the show and I am writing this piece!

The weeks following the last time I touched this piece have been immensely tough! I guess as I said in an earlier piece, I am paying the price for the next level. When sharing with my best friend, I told him the only way we know we are on the right path is if the price we pay becomes tougher and stronger in magnitude, otherwise how will you grow. If the price for one chapter is the same as the next, where is the elevation?

I have taken quite a number of scars already and they have taught me way more than I was learning earlier. One thing I have come to realize about the Creator is, He pieces together the puzzle one by one and if you are reflective enough to look backwards, you will realize that what is happening today was set in motion sometime back, or even the way you are is helping you with the present struggle. I developed a very thick skin from my previous job and that helped me take the beatings I have in this role so far. 

A couple of weeks later from one of my favourite hostels on the island…

Almost three months into this new chapter, I am absolutely loving it. I couldn’t have asked for anything more welcoming or blessed. This country is one you just fall in love with. As a soul which hasn’t learned to settle down, I can assure you I don’t call every other place home, but for this island, this country, I can use that word…home! I could spend the rest of my life here, in my shorts and slippers, many times an unbuttoned shirt or without one at all, on a scooter with my headsets on; island life is love!!

Peace!

Champ!

Paying the Price!

Seated on the upper deck of an Emirates A380, flying at 41,000 feet above the main sea level from Bangkok to Dubai seems to be the right place and time for me to start penning down this much-awaited piece. I have thought for a very long time that I should share one of the key pieces of advice one of my mentors has always given me. Every time at work that I have faced a challenge, encountered an issue or hit with sarcasm and/or criticism, which I have in plenty, she has always told me ‘patience, Rahim! Remember, you are paying the price’. Now I know many of you might be wondering already what this price is. And what really do you get once you pay it? Although the answer to all these questions is perceptive, there is a third question, which is much more subjective and perceptive: is this price worth paying?

I have spent a long time looking for these answers too and today (referring to the present time of my life), I am reaping the fruit; in another way you can say, I have paid the price, at least for the previous chapter of my life to have been granted the next one.

What is this price? For me, it is the process of a stone being thrown into the fire multiple times so that it loses its roughness and starts to shine. It is the continuous beating you take, be professionally or personally. It is like drinking an Americano, time and time again before you are allowed to take a latte (no offence if you love Americanos; I am just a sugar person!). It is the thirst you feel walking through a desert in search of an oasis. 

It is the test of patience, resilience and perseverance of an individual, of a dreamer, of a traveller… there is a famous saying ‘no gain without pain’ – it is this pain that is the price.
I have come to see it as a banking system of sorts. To withdraw from our account in the heavens up there, we must deposit something, just like we do in the real world. It is also just like respect or trust, you earn it. No one gives it to you right away!

Only and after we have deposited sufficiently enough, we can start to write cheques and He grants us what we want. If you are not getting what you want, ask yourself this – what have you really done to deserve what you’re asking for? I know it is a tough question to ask yourself because we all feel entitled to have what we want, but the truth is, we are not entitled and most certainly, not deserving. Ask yourself, do you think you have paid the price? From a faith side of the discussion, He might not be granting you what you are asking because the thing is not right for you – He knows better than you do!

Continuing this from another part of the world…

What do you get when you have paid the price? I think the answer to this question is another question: what did you ask for or what did you want? For instance, since the age of 5, I have loved to travel. For me, happiness has always been linked to aeroplanes, discovering and photographing new places – that is what I have always wanted. As of now, I am Masha’Allah doing that. I keep getting opportunities to travel and I am very grateful for it. I have become used to airports, aeroplanes and hotels. Right now, saying ‘I live out of a plane’ would be exaggerating (though some of my friends definitely believe that) but I hope someday I will be able to say that. I recently quit my job and moved to another country, actually I landed here yesterday! I have imagined living the life which just began for me and I am hoping it stays this way for a very long time! I see myself taking those long beach walks while watching the sun go down or the swims in the ocean, even at night under a sky filled with stars. Of course, this life has its own set of challenges like feeling lonely living away from family and friends but at the end of the day, each one of us needs to accept what is the necessity of the time. All of us are capable of turning life around or making it what we want (Allah’s mercy being a consistent factor) provided that we accept what is needed and must be done; in my case, quitting a well-recognized, high profile job in a large institution to a better paid job in a MUCH, much smaller firm in a much quieter part of the world – I love it here to be honest!

PS: I am listening to the sound of the waves with a cup of masala chai, listening to Aima Baig as I finish this piece.

Finally, is the price worth it? ABSOLUTELY! Oh, but let me ask you this, do you have a choice? Aga Khan III, Sir Sultan Muhammad Shah once said ‘struggle is the meaning of life. Victory and defeat are in the hands of God'. We must ensure to give our best against all the challenges life throws at us. This brings me to the other concept my mentor spoke of, which I wanted to reflect in this piece. It is the noise concept. Almost all of us are surrounded by noise, which unfortunately we pay too much attention to. From our boss telling us that we don’t know what we are doing (which ironically implies he/she doesn’t know what she is doing if they have hired someone incompetent) to someone commenting on our dressing (like who cares what brand you are wearing if you do your work effectively), it is all noise! She told me to focus on my work and let it speak for itself, just like the all-time saying goes, actions speak louder than words. This past year, I took this advice very seriously and focused a lot harder on my work than anything else. I hope to do the same, even better as I move forward.

I wanted to end by encouraging you to do the same thing I did; focus less on the noise and more on the work. Take it as a test and the reward is enormously pretty, trust me, enormously pretty!

The world will always talk and give their opinion about how you should lead your life; it does not mean that you have to listen, or if you do listen, filter and doesn’t take it to heart. As I finish this piece, I am at a hostel restaurant, feeling the breeze – the same feeling I had when I was at an Olé in the island of Rashdoo in the Maldives. What a beautiful feeling!! 

Peace!

Champ

Silence...

Author's note: It has taken me 4 countries to complete this piece. I started it in Arusha in July and I have just managed to finalise it in Karachi.

Sorry that it does not have any photos but I have shared some and hope to share even photos from this trip on my Instagram page.

Good evening from a silent, dark and cold Arusha Serena Hotel!

It is about 16 degrees Celsius and with numb fingers, I am jolting this down from a garden, which is some distance from the serene lake Duluti. The depth of the silence here is absolutely mesmerizing! It is enormously piercing and appealing to the soul. I always recommend people to travel to Africa to experience this side of Africa, which is none like any other in the world. Most of us residing in the cities need to travel to this part of the globe so we can be reminded of the world that was actually created for mankind. 

This evening, I traveled from the bustling and well-developed city of Nairobi to actually a part of the world, which is untouched and raw in many ways. I had forgotten how much I have missed this silence, this peace, and mostly, this country. I remember the first time I stayed overnight in Karatu!! I sat down at night in the dark and just let myself absorb the moment. I am doing the same right now.

As I drove from Kilimanjaro International airport to the hotel today, I was remembering my time in East Africa. All of a sudden, my life played as a timeline video in front of my eyes. The nostalgia couldn’t have been stronger! Although I have moved away from here, I am totally at peace and at home when I am in East Africa. 

Continuing from Nairobi…

About 18 degrees Celsius; I have found myself a corner table in what is a mini garden with borne fire and of course, the silence. Although the silence is not as deep as the one in Arusha but I am in awh of it. I have found a lot of silence so far on this trip already and I am certain of finding more along the way. I think we all need to do this; every once in a while, take a deep breath, calm down and allow life to transform itself to us. I miss this silence in Karachi. My heart does not feel like leaving East Africa! The heart feels at home here, you know; like it recognizes its origin. I am having long days at the moment yet I pull out at least 15 minutes everyday to sit outside in the cold, fathom the peace and shut the noise. It is half past mid night right now, opposite the swimming pool, here is a 27 year old trying to pen down the effect that nostalgia for a place has on a lonely and dimly lit soul; how not so youth like! Not to stereotype or generalize but some folks my age would be hitting the club, sipping in the liquid that makes the truth temporarily blur, hooking up with strangers who they won’t see after a night; and well here I am! Don’t get me wrong; I am not complaining because I could do all the above but it is about choice. Honestly, I can’t tell which direction this piece is headed in, and I guess that is okay. Sometimes it is okay to just scatter thoughts! If you read me regularly, you might be saying “that is what you always do!”

I did not know I missed East Africa this much, especially Arusha. I am incredibly fortunate and very grateful because I am traveling to all 3 countries over the course of these two weeks, practically on a plane every 2/3 days; such is the life I have always wanted. Whenever life brings in travel (which ALhamdulilah is more often nowadays), I feel tremendously happy, grateful and humble. Someone once remarked that travel makes you humble because it shows how big this earth is and how small a place we occupy. It breaks our perception that we are everything and the world rotates around us. I could not agree more!!

Although today I am a “tourist” visiting this region rather than a resident of it, the feeling is one of being from here. I do speak a bit of Swahili but I want to learn it fully because it is one of my favorite languages.

Good evening from the most silent, dark and quiet Akagera Rhino Lodge, Rwanda.

2 weeks have passed by since I left home and I am in my personal leg of the travel. I decided to request a week off after 6 weeks of intense work. In my line of work, the stress and pressure is never off the hook so to speak but some periods are ‘heavier’ than others; this is one of them! I have had to juggle back to back events, in fact simultaneously so I thought it is best to have some time to cool off.

I traveled to Kigali last night or today as it was around 0100 and reached the hotel by 0300. I woke up around 0830, had breakfast and headed out to explore till about 1130. I had a list of things including trying the famous beef samosa from La Gardienne supermarket. I heard about it in a vlog. 

It is 1932 right now and it feels like 0400 in a city like Kampala. The lodge runs on solar energy so there are barely any lights. To shower with hot water, you must inform the caretaker in advance and they prepare the water. The toilet/bathroom is quite practically in the open or gives that feel so post showering with the little hot water, the cold breeze gets to you in ways I cannot explain! This is unlike any place I have been to so far. It is quite extraordinary and brings to you the feeling of living in a world without any technology; which is quite scary for most of us today. It is ironic that this should be the case because this is the world Allah created for us. It is pitch dark and total silence; perhaps more than I have ever witnessed on any safari I have been to. This place has logged itself in to my heart, soul and travel diaries as one of the most remarkable decisions taken.  I drove about 110kms to get here. On the way, I stopped for lunch at a restaurant I hadn’t heard or read about – road trips end up being some of the best travel stories!

Also, the drive was an adventure of its own as I have never driven in Rwanda before, where it is left hand drive versus the right hand, which I am used to in Pakistan. I used Google maps to get here, and got off course just once towards the end, but all good. It was a bit scary because it was going to be dark in a couple of hours, returning wasn’t an option and I was in the middle of the jungle! Some may ask why take such risks? For them, Mark Twain once said ‘some years down the line, you will regret the things you did not do rather than the ones you did’. Travel the world, don’t stick to a schedule, meet new people; trust me, there is a lot of merit in flipping the page of life you are currently on!

My soul has just been silenced by this place. When I reached the lodge, what greeted me was endless views of the wild with a lake in between; quite an extra ordinary sight! I am absorbing the enormous beauty of this place and I am told, the sunrise is the best part so tomorrow at 0545, I will be up!

Also, one of the first things I did was have masala chai with the view from the restaurant – experiences that words and my photos will never be able to do justice to.

Finalising it in Karachi...

I am not sure what this piece is. I had written it over a period of three weeks in 3 countries and I have touched it up and completed it in a 4^th, months later. Just before ending, I ended up doing a safari on my own the next day. I drove in the Akagera National Park and witnessed the wild. I had hoped to see a lion but time did not permit me to go in there. I will do it next time for sure.

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page" - Saint Augustine

Peace!

Champ!

The Feeling of Being Home!

London to Skopje, November 2018

"I am wandering the face of this earth waiting for the feeling of being home, once again..."

One of the most perceptive things in the world today is the concept of ‘being home’. What is home? Is it a feeling, or a certain someone, or a place or perhaps a time of our life? When can one really say ‘I am home’! I guess it could be any of the above depending on the person and the time of their life.In 2009, home was a person for me, where as in 2015, I was in Dar es Salaam on my own and home was a place for me, Uganda, where my Dad and Mom lived. Today, home is neither of the two – the person was never meant to be, Dad isn’t alive anymore and Mom resides with me in Karachi. Thinking about this, would it right to say that I am not home then? Well, Mom is home for me! Nothing in my life weighs as much as she does. This being said, Allah has given each one of us a heart, which is a home in its own form. As is the nature of homes, a vacant one begins to accumulate dust, darkness and silence. I wonder how many of us realize that even with the biggest smile on our faces and music in our lives, all we are is a vacant home!

I believe at some point in our lives, we all find out what is the true meaning of home for us and whether we like it or not, we can never be there forever, because just like this life, everything is temporary. Even the strongest roots are shaken, uprooted and destroyed because it His law about this world; the “law of temporariness”. Many of us lead our lives as if we have all time in the world, including myself. For instance, I know I have to complete my MBA, and grow as a professional, but many a times I choose the badminton court or Netflix instead of my book. Now, I do catch up and get on track, not to add that after a day in my role, one needs to tone down and do what he/she loves most so I understand my choice, but in an overall comparison of what I should be choosing, I make the less desired choice!

In a recent interview I gave, I was asked ‘why are you taking your MBA at such a slow pace?’ aside from financial constraints, my response was “from August 2014 – March 2016, I had all the time to expedite my MBA but I thought I had all the time in the world. I had joined as a trainee in SMART, Uganda, after which I was hired as a part-time professor in my own college and then joined flydubai in Tanzania. In March 2016, I joined AKU and thought now I can finally get going so I purchased a module. April was a busy time due to a major event so in May I finally started pursuing my studies. In June, my father passed away – and life has never been the same, by God, it has not been the same. I thought I had all the time in the world, never have I been so wrong!” Trust me, all we have is today, may be not even today but now; just now…

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am not sure what you think but I agree to this philosophy. No other feeling in the world comes any closer to the feeling of being deeply in love with someone. Oh wait, one feeling does; the feeling of knowing that someone out there, is purely, deeply and madly in love with you; that my friends is the best feeling in the world. That person is home! Of course some of us replace ‘someone’ with things, hobbies, passions and places to ensure they feel they are home, one of them is I. Being Up-intheair is home!

For those who are graced by the feeling of love, life is bound to change, forever. Love is a very powerful feeling just like a cyclone; once it touches your life, you are never the same again regardless of what it decides for you, to stay or leave. Well, I can tell you that it never entirely leaves but you know what I mean! From the ‘core’ of my heart, I tell you time never heals any wounds; it only shows you how to survive with the scars.

I am not sure what I jolted down really, or whether I managed to pour all my thoughts with the use of the right words, but this piece, I felt like writing. I conclude by talking about wandering versus commitment/settling down. 

Don’t accept judgments from anyone if you are wandering, like I am. It is totally okay to not want to commit, because I’d rather explore than to settle, only to shatter the other person. Many a times today, I look in the mirror and fail to recognize myself. I know my history very well; I realize the steps I have had to take and the path I have had to walk to get to where I am right now; I fathom the acceptance of the person I am better than anyone else today, but I wouldn’t change a thing! Our experiences shape us in to who we are today, our decisions shape us who we will be tomorrow, so instead of cursing what we did, be paths we ignored or people we could have asked out but were too afraid/nervous or time we wasted; the best thing we can do is to focus on today and grow from the mistakes we made. If you ask me, be rejected than to never have asked, I am trying this approach in my life, which is totally different from the one I have had all these years, which I don’t ask because she will say no. I am also trying to adapt a new way of saying the truth; instead of using my sword to slash, I now walk with a croc; [whoa that rhymed!!], which I let go and it does its bit and re-joins me – tough to understand what I mean, I know, but I had to put it out. Point is, try different approaches and things, otherwise you will remain the person you were, and we all know, a river is beautiful because it flows; stagnant water becomes a swamp attracting no one but flies. Judge less, focus on yourself and move forward, He is watching, believe me He is.

“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.” ― Warsan Shire

Peace!

Champ!

Trying to be Semi-Decent; Part 1!

Photo Credits: Jerome!
Mauritius, 2014

“Somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you, is a little boy who fell in love with the game and never looked back... play for him” – Original quote by Mia Hamm

This quote is particularly very close to my heart, for it represents why I play badminton.

During one’s lifetime, a few things, like a few people end up being very close to our hearts and perhaps even the soul, if I may say so. Not only are they a part of your life, but also define you as a person in many ways and teach you a thing or two about how you should lead your life. They inspire you in ways others can’t and shape you as an individual. Many a times, we fail to recognize these, especially the things that matter most hence the famous saying “you only realize the value of something after losing it”. In my case, the thing I love most is traveling. It is like a drug to me and I need a fix every once in a while, the frequency of which is increasing! However, today, I want to talk about badminton, a sport that has played a significant role in my life. Many traits of my personality have become rooted because of it. It is my favorite sport, taught to me by my best friend, Shiraz, and I continue to pass it on to anyone who wishes to learn it.
As I sat down to pen this, I realize, what a journey it has been, and continues to be. It has taught me many things a long the way…

In 2004, at the age of 13, I returned to Kampala from Mozambique after really turbulent 3 years during which I lost my grandmother, relocated countries twice and for the very first time in my life, failed an academic year – perhaps the toughest thing of them all! Upon my return, I reunited with my childhood friend, Arif, who introduced me to Shiraz. Along with Afzal, the four of us would play badminton quite frequently. I was the rookie in the group and teamed up with Shiraz. My role was to stand in front at the service line and manage the drops, and smash occasionally (if I managed!) where as Shiraz managed the back; if I put it in percentages, I managed 25% of the court and he managed about 75%. At the time, I did not realize that this base of my game, and being at the net will teach me my signature shot, one I will be known for; a smash at the net regardless of how low the shuttle is. Shiraz gave me one his racquets, which any player will tell you is a big deal. Personally, I do not share my racquets except with very few people, who are really good at the game and I trust will not mishandle it, but at the time, I could barely swing the racquet!
We would play in the morning after prayers around 6am or in the afternoon; and trust me, whenever we would play; it used to be the happiest time of my day!

In a year, 2005, Shiraz left for the US! By that time, not only were we badminton doubles partners but best friends as well. I was an introverted, sporty and naughty kid who did not have a lot of friends; or say any friends. Let us just say I was not your average ‘society approved’ teenager, so when Shiraz left, I felt someone had literally taken life out of me.
The path ahead was very tough for me. I had to survive and adapt to the situation – I got immerses in service in Jamat Khana, enhanced my vision and love for the faith and sports, primarily cricket and badminton – well, it is a long story so I will leave this period for another post!

The Aga Khan Youth & Sports board in Kampala bought racquets as not everyone had one and I was one of them. The racquets were not pro but good enough, belonging to a make called ‘Wish’. It was with one of these racquets that I won my first ever singles match after 3 deuces; I will never forget that win because it showed my own resilience as an individual. One thing was engraved in me that day, no matter what, do not give up. Never hand someone the privilege of saying they beat you without him or her earning it. It also taught me one of the least accepted facts; it is not about the racquet you have, it is about the game you can bring to the court.

Soon after that match, I played my first ever tournament, and lost in the 2^ndround after a heartfelt performance. Both matches (1^stand 2^ndround) were fighting performances and I did not give up at any point. Of course I was very sad and felt disappointed. I sat in a corner crying when an old gentleman approached and congratulated me on my performance. He said I had demonstrated courage and spirit, two of the qualities he had carried throughout his time on court. He shared pieces of advise about how I can improve as a player, and then from his kit, removed 2 racquets and handed them to me. He said ‘I am confident in the player you will become in the years to come. Always remember, play the sport with respect and love for it, and never, ever give up, regardless of the difference between you and the person on the other side of the net’. Those were my first 2 racquets; 1 in green, which was powerful and smashed well and the other maroon in color, a touch too heavy for the liking.
In the following tournament, I was playing a 3^rdround match, and began to miss easy shots. It was perhaps one of those days, where nothing works! At one point in the 2^ndgame, I missed my signature shot and just lost it! Furiously, I smashed the green racquet on the floor until it cracked to pieces. I was given a warning for court violation and eventually, lost the match. Upset and sad, I sat in one corner holding the shattered racquet in my hand, when the old man approached me yet again and said ‘there is a reason I gave you 2 racquets -I knew, one day you would crack one of them, and sadly, it will be the one you love of the 2. You also forgot I my advise so quickly; respect for the game!’ I felt guilty, embarrassed and wasn’t able to look him in the eye, because not only had I forgotten the advise of the only man who thought I could play badminton, but also purposely destroyed a gift; one he had given me with so much belief.
I apologized to him and he told me it is a lesson, and the earlier I learn it, the better. He said he had done the same thing years ago and learnt that unless and until we show respect for the game, we can’t really win over it.
It has been nearly 13 years to the day; I have lost matches I should have won and even lost to a 10-year old kid because of my anger but never have I hit my racquet on the ground that way. 

One of the victories that put me on the radar was back in high school. I had injured my left arm in cricket and although not fractured or on a sling, it was taped and bandaged. Unfortunately, this happened during the time when the house tournaments were going on and I was representing my house in badminton. I opted to play the match in that condition with the pain and won! I remember my friend, classmate, cricket teammate and a great tennis player, Abhishek was supporting and cheering me remarked ‘this dude is one hell of a player’. I tell you, tiny moments with the smallest of remarks end up shaping one’s life and bringing tremendous motivation. Just like words have the power to damage one, they have the ability to grow one too! This is why, we should be careful with our words, always!!

My worst loss ever

There is a regional tournament in East Africa for the Ismaili Community called “Unity Games (UG)”. I have so far attended 3 UG’s and never gone beyond the quarterfinals in the men singles category. I am not someone who carries forward any regrets but if there is one tournament I really wanted to win back in the day, or even today, it is the UG. In my last UG I attended, I eventually ended up volunteering for the games and helped manage badminton. As a non-partial, straightforward individual, I extended no favourism towards anyone despite being from Team Uganda, which made a particular family very upset. Ironically, I was clashing with the son in the quarterfinal. Although he was only 10, he used to train and play at a higher level, but his game wasn’t strong enough to beat me. Just before the match, I had a very strong confrontation with the father – everyone there knew who was right! I told myself, I am going to beat this kid on zero to teach him something. I don’t remember playing in such anger ever before. The first point itself, I set it up and smashed with all I had, followed by a ‘come on!’ However, I lost in straight games to him because I allowed my anger to get the better of me. I was embarrassed, sad, upset and deeply hurt, because I really wanted to win the tournament. The next day I came back to court and continued to serve as the tournament coordinator; watched the kid lose in the semi final, a match I should have played – every second of that day hurt; by God, really hurt!
We ended up winning the team trophy but it did not mean as much to me as a singles title would. I walked away from that tournament with a lot of respect from many people, because I had shown character, strength of mind and tremendous spirit as a volunteer. I also walked away with one of the greatest lessons; let your game speak on court and not your mouth. At the end of the day, people remember you lost, not why you lost!

There is much more for me to share about my journey and this piece is already at a length, so I will stop here and continue in the next piece. 

I really want to appreciate everyone who has continuously read and followed my blog. A couple of friends have always encouraged me to write; it means a lot!

A friend gave me a line with which I should end the piece, so although this is not the end, I will conclude with it:

“I'm a bad player only hoping to be semi decent”

 Peace!

Champ!