The Feeling of Being Home!

London to Skopje, November 2018

"I am wandering the face of this earth waiting for the feeling of being home, once again..."

One of the most perceptive things in the world today is the concept of ‘being home’. What is home? Is it a feeling, or a certain someone, or a place or perhaps a time of our life? When can one really say ‘I am home’! I guess it could be any of the above depending on the person and the time of their life.In 2009, home was a person for me, where as in 2015, I was in Dar es Salaam on my own and home was a place for me, Uganda, where my Dad and Mom lived. Today, home is neither of the two – the person was never meant to be, Dad isn’t alive anymore and Mom resides with me in Karachi. Thinking about this, would it right to say that I am not home then? Well, Mom is home for me! Nothing in my life weighs as much as she does. This being said, Allah has given each one of us a heart, which is a home in its own form. As is the nature of homes, a vacant one begins to accumulate dust, darkness and silence. I wonder how many of us realize that even with the biggest smile on our faces and music in our lives, all we are is a vacant home!

I believe at some point in our lives, we all find out what is the true meaning of home for us and whether we like it or not, we can never be there forever, because just like this life, everything is temporary. Even the strongest roots are shaken, uprooted and destroyed because it His law about this world; the “law of temporariness”. Many of us lead our lives as if we have all time in the world, including myself. For instance, I know I have to complete my MBA, and grow as a professional, but many a times I choose the badminton court or Netflix instead of my book. Now, I do catch up and get on track, not to add that after a day in my role, one needs to tone down and do what he/she loves most so I understand my choice, but in an overall comparison of what I should be choosing, I make the less desired choice!

In a recent interview I gave, I was asked ‘why are you taking your MBA at such a slow pace?’ aside from financial constraints, my response was “from August 2014 – March 2016, I had all the time to expedite my MBA but I thought I had all the time in the world. I had joined as a trainee in SMART, Uganda, after which I was hired as a part-time professor in my own college and then joined flydubai in Tanzania. In March 2016, I joined AKU and thought now I can finally get going so I purchased a module. April was a busy time due to a major event so in May I finally started pursuing my studies. In June, my father passed away – and life has never been the same, by God, it has not been the same. I thought I had all the time in the world, never have I been so wrong!” Trust me, all we have is today, may be not even today but now; just now…

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am not sure what you think but I agree to this philosophy. No other feeling in the world comes any closer to the feeling of being deeply in love with someone. Oh wait, one feeling does; the feeling of knowing that someone out there, is purely, deeply and madly in love with you; that my friends is the best feeling in the world. That person is home! Of course some of us replace ‘someone’ with things, hobbies, passions and places to ensure they feel they are home, one of them is I. Being Up-intheair is home!

For those who are graced by the feeling of love, life is bound to change, forever. Love is a very powerful feeling just like a cyclone; once it touches your life, you are never the same again regardless of what it decides for you, to stay or leave. Well, I can tell you that it never entirely leaves but you know what I mean! From the ‘core’ of my heart, I tell you time never heals any wounds; it only shows you how to survive with the scars.

I am not sure what I jolted down really, or whether I managed to pour all my thoughts with the use of the right words, but this piece, I felt like writing. I conclude by talking about wandering versus commitment/settling down. 

Don’t accept judgments from anyone if you are wandering, like I am. It is totally okay to not want to commit, because I’d rather explore than to settle, only to shatter the other person. Many a times today, I look in the mirror and fail to recognize myself. I know my history very well; I realize the steps I have had to take and the path I have had to walk to get to where I am right now; I fathom the acceptance of the person I am better than anyone else today, but I wouldn’t change a thing! Our experiences shape us in to who we are today, our decisions shape us who we will be tomorrow, so instead of cursing what we did, be paths we ignored or people we could have asked out but were too afraid/nervous or time we wasted; the best thing we can do is to focus on today and grow from the mistakes we made. If you ask me, be rejected than to never have asked, I am trying this approach in my life, which is totally different from the one I have had all these years, which I don’t ask because she will say no. I am also trying to adapt a new way of saying the truth; instead of using my sword to slash, I now walk with a croc; [whoa that rhymed!!], which I let go and it does its bit and re-joins me – tough to understand what I mean, I know, but I had to put it out. Point is, try different approaches and things, otherwise you will remain the person you were, and we all know, a river is beautiful because it flows; stagnant water becomes a swamp attracting no one but flies. Judge less, focus on yourself and move forward, He is watching, believe me He is.

“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.” ― Warsan Shire

Peace!

Champ!