I read someone’s blog; someone I absolutely adore and love to
read; she wrote:
“This is another version of me I don’t
recognize. Should I accept it, give in to it? And when I know for sure it’s
definitely not better than the previous me, how do I revert back?”
I could relate! I could absolutely relate!!
One of my second cousins who has seen me evolve these many
years told me at a moment when we were bidding goodbye: “Today I feel I am meeting the Rahim who once gave me the Alchemist”. I
am pretty surprised that she could meet that version of me because I am unable
to meet him anymore. I try to look for
him but I seem to not find him. The one
who had unreasonable confidence in long standing commitments and relationships;
the one who was naïve enough to presume everyone says what they feel like with
no hidden agendas; the one who had enormous confidence in humanity…today, this
Rahim, I am not so sure if he does. Perhaps because he has been swimming in the deep end, and continues to go further where the sharks are; he has seen pretty much all of it. How you can get side-lined, or how all it matters is who you know and how well you know them. OR Perhaps because he paid a price for his
honesty and loyalty; he was gifted darkness for love, a darkness that is so
deep that it follows him and much as he has climbed his way up, a song or a
couple of lines of Faraz are enough to remind him of a time that was perhaps
the most beautiful illusion of his life…I don’t even know if I made sense in
the lines I just wrote!
So this version of me; I am in love with him, just like I
was in love with the other version, and the many other versions that exist. The
me today is confident, a touch way more extrovert, wickedest and evil sense of
humor, sharp eye for people and yeah, a touch flirty. I often say that the-me
today still has the heart of the me-yesterday. Some things never change you
know; like my belief in the ethics of honesty and loyalty; like my vision to
work for my Mowla, my love for Him; my love for photography, music, books,
journaling and travelling; working out of cafés; and of course there are new
additions to the list – some of which I can’t mention here :p!
This is life I believe that with time, people evolve and change,
and we must accept that but most importantly, I feel it is critical for us to
accept ourselves. If one cannot admire the person in the mirror, how will
anyone else do so? Of course, we have all sinned, the depth of the sins of
course is different but we have all sinned!
I don’t know what chord was struck in my soul when I read
the lines I read and started this piece with; I don’t even know if this piece
is any “well” written or understandable, but I have been thinking a lot about
this version of myself – I am nearly certain that folks who saw me in my
earlier days; high school days I mean (not that old you know!), would probably
not like this me – after all, not so naïve anymore, you know!
Lastly, two lines written by Ahmed Faraz:
“kuch tu hi mere dard ka mafhoom samaj le Faraz,
hansta hua chehra toh zamane kay liye hai”
Peace,
Champ!
