After what seems like a lifetime, I finally managed to pen down this piece as I was being driven around KL on a recent trip. It comes from the deepest ends of my heart...
My love for Kuala Lumpur comes at a very heavy price. A price that I pay each time I am in the city; a dagger that stabs the deepest of the wounds of my heart, tearing apart the fault lines that I sealed years ago. My love for this city is not because of how beautiful it is but because I chose it for her, when I started my travels. I could have gone anywhere in the world, but I came here, for her. I chose KL for her, and it will always remind me of her. To be honest, it was one of the best decisions of my life for that travel showed me a lot and allowed me to become the person I am today. It was the one travel that allowed me to let go…of her! Every time I am in KL though, driving around or wandering it’s lanes, I put on our song and go into a flashback, of a time that seems nothing more than an illusion. An illusion in which she told me ‘tu humsafar, humnawa mera’
I remember that one evening like it was yesterday, she took me to an Arab restaurant, lied down besides me and I poured my heart out telling her how much it hurt to lose Dad. I showed her the darkest, shallowest ends of my heart and cried my heart out. I felt so alive that evening. Later that evening, I realised she was dating someone. Who would I have then gone to share how deeper that darkness became? I will never forget that drive we took, me at the back of the car, wandering to myself, if this is why Allah brought me here – to realise I had no hopes of being with the one person that Rahim had loved beyond limits, beyond lust, beyond himself… that evening, Rahim was freed from the chains of an illusion, ready to lose himself to the world, ready to let go of the one person he thought would be his; from that evening onwards, he would not have any expectations of any one, he would live for his dreams, for himself! He would also refrain from loving, for a long time…
In one evening, he had both gained and lost the person who brought him halfway around the world.
Life was something else with her in it. Life was life! Today, with all these travels, all these memories and all these adventures, I am so grateful but the moment I slow down and think of it, I am running away from my loneliness, my solitude… her absence. I am running away from feeling the depth of the vacuum she left behind in my heart, my soul, my existence. All it takes is that 1 song to trigger the emotion and when I think of it, it describes the reality; tu hi haqeeqat khwab tu hi; you are my reality, my dream. I don’t believe in changing anything about my life, because if I did, I wouldn’t be who I am today but honestly, if I could change a thing, it would be not being so naïve to allow someone to destroy my ability to love someone; it would be not allowing someone to disrespect the love they got, when perhaps, they did not really deserve it; it would be to be alone than with…
As I end this piece, I still want to tell you that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved. Choose love over everything else said Rumi but yes, be ready for the consequences – the root of all suffering is attachment said Lord Buddha – so yes, you can end up like me, with depths of solitude and darkness, always wandering and trying to stay ahead of it. Like me, you can end up in the most romantic of places, totally alone, sometimes, even without your own heart!!
Peace!
Champ!
