Watching a mesmerising sunset from the pier next to my home, I have finally completed this.
"Chiti na koi sandesh, jane woh kaunsa desh, jahan tum chale gaye..."
Technically, I have traveled to 14 countries in the past 4 years; that is how long it has been since Dad left for another world! It feels much longer though!! Well, number 14 and I go a long way back, all the way to ‘91; when I was born on Oct-14. I also have 14 stiches on my forehead above my right eye; a reminder of how naughty and stubborn I was as a kid, or rather, still am! My favorite aunt was born on Dec-14 and oh, the first time I failed an Academic year, and Dad had to take a tough decision for me to relaunch my studies, well I was 14! We humans want to find reasoning and logic in everything…
18th June 2016; the day my life changed forever. I have said it in the past and I shall repeat here again; I remember every single moment so well and clearly. I haven’t forgotten anything; absolutely nothing, and to be honest, I don’t want to either…
I remember talking to Dad for 17m, 24s. He had just returned from work but despite being tired, his love for me won. He stood outside and we spoke. It was raining that day so he must have been feeling cold as well; but a parent’s love always wins! I remember telling him ‘I am only a month away from meeting you. Do you want something?’ It was the season of mangoes in Pakistan so I told him I will bring that since he loved them. I remember him telling me ‘you come, that is it. I want nothing else’. I remember telling him that I love him. I remember telling him how grateful I was to have him as my father. Could there have been a better end to a final conversation, although I did not know it at the time? See why I always say, express your love because there is absolutely no guarantees of a tomorrow. Tomorrow is far, no guarantees of the moment ahead.
After the call, I remember how I was lying under a star-less sky with only the moon staring right at me. I remember how my instinct was telling me ‘something isn’t right, Rahim’. It was a family gathering and I remember my mind being somewhere far away. I remember the mood changing of the members and how I was taken downstairs to the room. I remember hearing my uncle’s words as he embraced me, ‘hausla rakhna hai apne ko, mama kay liye’ (you have to be/stay strong, for mom).
I remember calling my boss to share the news. I had invited him to my homecoming party the next day; I remember how his tone changed; a change as though a sunrise turned to a sunset! I remember heading home to pack my bag to travel and just as I was doing that, I got a call from one of my childhood friends. She had lost her dad not so long back, so she knew what I was going through. She wanted me to be strong; remain strong!
I remember calling my best friend from the airport to share the darkest news of my life. I remember his silence the moment I told him, for it was a reflection of my soul, which had indeed shut itself too. I remember him posting on my Facebook timeline requesting everyone to give me space as I mourned the loss of a pillar. Shiraz has always known me better than others.
I remember traveling that night with a numb, frozen and silent heart; the longest travel of my life. I remember that immigration officer in Uganda, whose eyes teared when she heard why I had returned home. I remember her words to me as she returned my passport ‘may He give you all the strength in the world; you will need it’.
I remember hugging my mom for the first time as I stepped into my home; it was as though, she could finally cry to someone she knew understood the loss. I remember hugging a devastated, heartbroken wife, who spent all her life loving 1 man, who had passed away in her lap the night before. I remember my grandfather’s eyes, which had seen many souls pass but this one was one of his own.
I remember hugging my mom for the first time as I stepped into my home; it was as though, she could finally cry to someone she knew understood the loss. I remember hugging a devastated, heartbroken wife, who spent all her life loving 1 man, who had passed away in her lap the night before. I remember my grandfather’s eyes, which had seen many souls pass but this one was one of his own.
I remember not wanting to see Dad until the day of the funeral because I knew, I’d break before it was time to break. I remember standing in that line as members of the community came to share their condolences. I had never in my roughest dreams imagined that feeling. I remember this 1 uncle who broke in my arms; he used to sit next to Dad in the mosque, something I did not know until that day. I remember him very well for he shared how proud my father was of my achievements. He said my Dad wouldn’t stop speaking of my accomplishments, be badminton, photography or the fewer travels I had done back then.
I remember my uncle traveling to Uganda from Mozambique – something that was a source of immense strength for me and I shall forever be indebted to him. I remember waking up that morning for the funeral and thinking to myself ‘it is only 4 to 5 hours Rahim, they will pass by quick’. I remember the lengthiest and heaviest 5 hours of my life.
The body is first shown to the family to have a private, intimate, final moment with the deceased. I remember walking into that room in 1 piece and coming out in shattered, countless pieces. I remember walking away right as I stepped in, just like paper burns to ash when introduced to fire. Even though I was strong, life never prepares you enough for the loss of a parent. How can it? I remember my uncle holding my hand to take me around Dad. Up until that point, I think my heart was hoping that this wasn’t true; as if it were a nightmare and I will wake up to him being around.
I remember being seated in front of his body and hoping the chest will beat anytime now! I remember reciting for him at the ceremony, with all my heart, however much I had left anyways. I remember my former boss, my mentor and more like an elder brother traveling to Uganda for the funeral – again, something I shall forever be indebted. I did not realize back then for obvious reasons but today as I reflect back, there were members of my family, who never expressed any intention of coming despite how close we were. I think as my Dad went, so did those relationships.
I remember that last final walk I took around his body. I remember lifting his coffin and not wanting to let go, as always, I walked on the right side of him. I remember the burial. I remember being completely still, quiet and frozen in one place. I remember placing just 1 flower, at the top where his forehead was. I used to kiss him good night, so I did that, one final time.
As I walked away from that graveyard, I remember receiving all of his strength, which has forever stayed with me.
The next month when I went back to Uganda, I remember asking Isaac (my boda boda dude in Kampala) to take me to the graveyard. We stopped at the gate and I told him ‘take me home’. I wasn’t ready to go in. My feet just did not have the strength to do it!
It took me a year before I did it in Oct-17. On the last day of my trip, I went to see Dad. I spent 5 minutes with him in silence. Every time I go Kampala, Isaac takes me to see Dad, again on the last day. I think I have realized that the balance of my life is maintained by me seeing him, every 1 or 2 years. The last time I went to see him was Aug-19.
I am fortunate for I got the chance to tell him that I love him or even just talk to him, you might not so don’t waste time. Your dad, mom or even that special someone, don’t let these worldly distractions or fear guide you. Reach out today, reach out now in fact and tell them you love them or say the sorry your ego doesn’t want to because trust me, they never come back.
I want to end with the lyrics of a song my dad's elder brother used to tell me about...
"Zindagi kay safar main guzar jate hai jo makam, woh phir nahin aate, woh phir nahin aate..."
Peace!
Champ!
No comments:
Post a Comment