A Wanderer Passing By!

Author's note: I tend to write in a poem format nowadays versus a journal like-blog piece. I do hope those few select who read me, are still able to connect to the piece as they did with earlier pieces.
I am always keen on hearing how the piece made you feel or even any feedback against it. Please feel free to email me or put in the comments your thoughts.

“And you must not worry about me. You must follow your dreams. You have your life ahead of you. I am just a wanderer passing by” – Avijeet Das

You know how the waves keep kissing the shore,

They are rejected every single time, but they come back,

I feel I am like that wave returning to a shore that denied me,

Even after thinking I shouldn’t be ‘hoping’ anymore,

And just like the ocean has its tides, moods so to speak,

It just gives up that hope and takes some steps back,

As if to assess whether the shore even cares of its existence,

I feel like I am doing the same thing with us,

And it hurts me more than it is hurting you, 

And to know that; to realize that, is tremendously painful.

The deeper the affection; the greater the pain,

And within the depth of longing is a bitterest feeling,

I hate it you know; trust me, I really hate it,

It is like a dagger that keeps piercing me, day and night,

So, when we speak, my words are sharper than usual,

And I know this will ultimately cost me a greater loss, you!

I would ask you to be patient with me, but it is unfair,

But as I likely fade from your life, you should know one thing,

Remember when you said our conversation would lighten eventually,

That the power or the frequency would deteriorate over time,

I couldn’t disagree anymore because I don’t believe that at all!

Our conversations weren’t meant to subside if we opted for them not to…

Do you think after all these years, that was a random message meant to go nowhere?

I think we were meant to be connected at this point in time; it was ‘maktub’,

I also think we just went with the flow, and that led to fear, which led to a turn,

A turn that cost me a lot, to be honest, and this is why I had built walls,

So, although it was only for a couple of weeks as it ended up being,

I believe it was a great journey, at least for me, and I re-live it,

Every single moment of every single day, I think of what we could have been.

So, my dearest friend, fellow wanderer, or most likely, a soulmate,

I wish you nothing but the best in pursuit of your dreams,

I understand your choice of them over me; I hope you do achieve all of them, and more,

I also hope we continue to talk and remain ‘connected’,

Although I have not done a good job so far, I promise to try, better!

I had promised I’d be there for you, so I always will be, 

Even though right now it may seem to you I am not, but I am,

I can only hope that if I don't listen, you fight me and especially with me through this phase,

But, just in case, should you wish to give up on me, I won’t blame you,

After all, who was I or, who am I except just a wanderer passing by…

“Tumhari duniya main hum jaise hazaaron hai Faraz, 

Hum hi pagal the jo tumhe paa kar itrane lage” - Ahmed Faraz

Peace!

Champ!

Two Wandering Souls...

You know you shouldn’t have slid into my DM’s like that,

It was the best and worst thing that happened to me in ages,

Best because you re-introduced me to love or at least to the feeling of it,

You made me once again meet the Rahim I thought ceased to exist,

You became the reason I smiled without even needing a reason,

Worst because just as I was re-gaining light, you waved goodbye,

It was like someone lit a match to light a candle and quickly blew it,

Just when I thought I was safe from all of this,

You walked into my life, the most beautiful storm I have encountered…

You know I was so used to my loneliness and solitude,

As an introvert, I was born to accept that I must be with myself,

And if I am to be happy, I should love to be with myself,

And I took years to learn and perfect that art,

I have learnt to sleep on a wet pillow filled with my tears,

I have learnt to protect my inner core with walls,

Walls that are so high that even I can’t climb to look on the outside,

Walls that are meant to protect me from people, who bring hope,

Hope that someone has finally arrived on the shore of my life,

To love me, care for me, like I have for others, all these many years,

Hope that as a wanderer, I have finally found a destination…

It was ‘maktub’ for two wandering souls to finally cross paths,

For two very similar shadows to merge and walk together,

I believe things happen for a reason in life and we did not ‘just’ meet,

I believe He who is above all else is an Artist overseeing a beautiful painting,

He paints every stroke on it knowing the beauty it will add,

The irony in all of this is that you too were finding a destination in me,

Perhaps I am completely wrong, and this is all my illusion,

But my instinct tells me otherwise, and I always believe what it says you know,

I have no end for this piece, and I would like to believe, the same goes for us…

"A soul mate is not found. A soul mate is recognized" – Vironika Tugaleva

Peace!

Champ! 

Budhao :)

In recent conversations with someone, I have been reminded of one of the most influential, important and significant figures of my life, my Budhao, my Khan Nanu. It is not that I had forgotten him, but it feels like someone reading my journals has flipped back to the page where I wrote about him. I went back to my blog and read the piece I wrote about my Nanus (http://whitelyz.blogspot.com/2018/05/my-nanus.html). I realize I had mentioned that I will write about my Budhao but never had the chance to do it, so this evening, at 2021 (every pun intended as 2020 is far too screwed up!!), seated in front of a quiet Bangrak beach in Koh Samui, Thailand with mosquitoes irritating me, I am going to put down this piece for my Nanu…

My Nanu started serving the Jamat and the mosque in Aliyabad, Karachi and then later moved to Kampala. I am not sure of the precise number of years he served in Karachi but I think it was over 20 years and in Kampala, it was 23 years, so of his 78 years, he served for nearly 43, at least. I could see the light of the blessings in his eyes and in the entirety of his life. He began meditation at the age of 8 and did not stop until he passed away. Of all my Nanus, who I feel were all ‘elevated’, I have spent most of my time with Budhao and he was the closest Nanu to me. From scolding me to guiding me with life lessons, from buying my first phone (Nokia 2600) to paying for the glasses I broke while batting in cricket, I owe a lot of myself to him. I also know for a fact that I am reaping the fruits of his deeds otherwise I don’t for one second believe that I have done anything worthy of much of what has been bestowed upon me so far. I am profoundly blessed, beyond my thoughts to be a part of his legacy; no amount of words will express how truly and deeply I believe this! I want to share some specific incidents in this piece about him as well as lessons which I will never forget and things I am known for or can do but owe all of it, to him…

My father used to make chai (tea) in Karachi at Karimabar Jamat Khana (JK). I always knew this but did not have the slightest clue that I could continue that legacy in Kampala. 1 evening after prayers, as usual, I was with my friends hanging out when he called me upstairs to the prayer hall saying he needed help. There was a health session in the Diamond Jubilee Hall (DJ Hall as it was called, and anyone from Kampala will tell you, it was, rather is our most treasured place!) and they wanted chai. The expected number was 35. I had never made chai for 2 people, leave alone 35, that too in JK so I shared my hesitation with him. He smiled and said, “don’t worry, I will share pointers and if you follow them, you will reach your destiny”. He gave me the keys to the store and precise measurements; x litres milk, water and amount of tea leaves. Nervous but courageously, I did as he said. As Paulo says in The Alchemist, beginner’s luck, I got it! The tea was loved by everyone and I thought to myself ‘wow, I can do this!’. I then began making chai for events at JK and did it for almost 9 years. During the 2011 celebrations, I made 100 litres tea, twice in 1 night during one of the garba ceremonies – a day engraved in my heart as one of the finest days of my Uganda journey.

There is something about enlightenment, it can’t be hidden. Regardless of the faith you practice, the elevation is something open to all. It is a search and that has no limits or boundaries and those who courageously as well as persistently practice and are blessed by He who is above all else, find the true meaning of life. I cannot touch much (wow, rhymes!) on this topic but Budhao was certainly one of them! He is undoubtedly the most elevated soul I have known all my life!

I miss him a lot today and I feel the time I spent with him on this planet was really little although it was 20+ years. There were many times I had questions about my faith, my practices, my actions, people’s actions, decisions to be made when I was at a crossroad and he had all the answers.
No one knows this but there was a time period in my life, some months after Dad passed away that he would come and meet me. I was unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to meditate… Every time, I would deeply close my eyes, I would see him, right there, gazing at me and smiling. To be honest, as much as it brought peace and happiness, it also scared me. My Nanu helped me through that phase with his guidance.
I re-call him telling me to maintain and hold fast on my faith when I was politically undone in Kampala for an opportunity that means the world to me or how he told me to calm down when serving because otherwise, I am losing the essence of it. I remember how I hated when he called me to help him because I was too stupid to value television or cricket over service – today, I can give everything I have to go back in time and assist him. I re-call how I discovered the places he hid the extra chocolates he got, which eventually would be mine anyways, but he wanted me to learn how to be patient and not let my ambitious self-get the better of me. I am ashamed to admit that I was foolish not to learn everything I possibly could from him but immensely grateful that I got to absorb as much as I did and I am guided by these learnings.

My Nanu, my Budhao supported me; was and still is, my pillar in life. I still carry his lessons with me, his Ghatpath Dhaga, which he gave me before going to the OT, is in my journal as a lifelong memory of his presence.
On 18^th March 2017, my Nanu went through almost an 8-9-hour surgery for his lip cancer treatment. On 21^st March 2017, Navroz (Persian New Year), he suffered a cardiac arrest at 4am but survived after being revived 5 times. The doctor, in fact, had told me that day to be prepared to let him go. Was I prepared? I don’t think so… He passed away 9 months later on Chandraat, day of the new moon. Was I prepared then? Mentally, perhaps but emotionally, I am still not prepared!! From the day of his surgery to the day he finally left this world, it was painful but also very inspirational to see how his Faith wasn’t shaken. I would like to hope and pray that I can have 10% of the courage, service, strength, belief and faith that he had. If I can manage that, I will consider my life a huge success.

I could write a book on my Nanu but I just want to conclude with the following lines of his favorite song:

Woh na milega ab tujhe, jiski tujhe talaash hai,

Raahon main aj be-kafan, teri wafa ki laash hai,

Yeh toh zara bata mujhe, tune kiya tha pyaar kyun,

Ae dil kisi ki yaad main hota hai bekarar kyun,

Jisne bhula diya tujhe, uska hai intezar kyun…

Happy B’day Nanu! RIP!

Peace!

Champ!

The Path of Love, or not?!

"Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life" - Merle Shain

Author's note: I am hoping that this piece will help those few select who read me, reflect on their lives and choices. Many of us find ourselves at a crossroads where we either choose to be with someone we connect with or let go and continue life by ourselves. I have pretty much always opted for the 'solo' path after discovering that the emotional one does not do well for me but this seemed to have changed temporarily. I am hoping that for those who are encountering such a scenario, this piece brings out the feeling of what it is like to be on either end of the decision, and I hope, I sincerely hope, you choose to love...

Watching the sunset from one of the viewpoints I discovered on this beautiful island of Koh Samui, I am wondering which direction life is sending me. In just a matter of a week or so, life has taken a U-turn it seems or just a turn, to a path I felt I had let go ages back; a path I had forgotten; a path I seemed to purposely ignore existed; the path where one does not walk alone, the path of walking with 2 shadows at the back; the path where even a wanderer finally finds a destination.

Some days later, I see that the path has faded and this time, after a very long time, the decision to let go isn’t mine, it is of the person who I hoped to walk with. I guess this is karma, for all those times when I said no to the folks who wanted to walk with me. Life has a very funny of way operating in that it will surprise you by showing you light in a dark tunnel and just as you walk towards it, what seemed a source of light is merely a reflector asking you to turn, once again… As a wanderer for as long as I can remember, I have walked alone, of course with small periods of having someone in my life but never a firm sense of commitment and I was used to it but these past couple of weeks reminded me of how beautiful life can be with someone as well as in it and I don’t understand why it would do so, if it were to only be a temporary thing. My best friend once cautioned me about giving in so much of myself to the relationships/friendships in my life because he knows I give in way more of myself than I should and eventually it leads to hurt. 

Thinking about this one, one may say that it was really short so why so much thought behind it? I don’t quantify my connections with someone. There is no concrete time frame for someone to become valuable in one’s life. There are people you know over years who at the end of the day are purely acquaintances and then there are those who just walk in and blow your mind away, so who is determining how much time is sufficient to feel a connect? Shitu and I became friends in 2004 and have been best friends for 16 years, Alhamdulilah! However, I have not seen him for 15 years! In 2005, he left for US and we haven’t met since then! We used to send each other 1 email in months during the times of Yahoo and Hotmail messenger, I have forgotten his b’days (as I don’t remember b’days really) and even missed his marriage. If you ask him, he will not mention the last 2 points I did because his heart chose me as a person and not the distance or the time difference that separates us. Regardless of who I meet, Shitu is irreplaceable in my life! Mind you, I know other folks much longer than I know Shitu but that means little to nothing. Connections, clicks are ‘maktub’ and should not be time quantified…

This is an emotionally written and driven piece, as are most of my other pieces but lastly, I wish to say that if possible, if even 0.01% possibility exists, choose love. A relationship or love, the purest and truest one at least is not prison sentence or a rope that hold you down. It is like the 2^nd tire to your bike, the 2nd wing or engine to the aircraft that will add lift to your flight so instead of letting fear get the better of you, try walk a few steps with the person and see. I have to admit that I have always chosen the other path, so it is very ironic that my advice today is this. Time and time again, life offered me someone I could walk with and quite honestly, I ran away from that but today when I seemed to have found my destination, it has opted to do the same to me, and it sucks! I wanted to conclude this piece with a 2 liner I have deeply loved over the years:

“do hi dinn kathin guzre hai zindagi main,

ek uske ane se pehle, ek uske jaane kay baad”

Peace!
Champ!