Emptiness

 This piece was written on 2 different days. The first 3 paragraphs are the original ones from a day when life seemed, as I have said, empty or meaningless. I have completed this on the island of Phangan at 0134 under the magical, serene, blessed and soothing sound of the waves and a powerful sea breeze - love nights like these!

Do you also have days, when you just feel so…empty…like life has no purpose; like life is as dark as the road on a moonless night; like you just don’t understand why you are here, on this planet; like you have everything you could possibly ask for, more so what others dream of having, yet you feel like there is so much missing; like there is a hollow gap deep within your heart, within your soul, within your existence; like you are so exhausted of the journey and just want Him to call you now; do you also have days like these?
 
I couldn’t be more grateful and blessed right now but there are days like today when all of this just doesn’t make sense to me. Why am I here? Why am I existing? Time seems to have stopped and everything around me blurred. I cannot explain it with words but nothing, even my beloved travels do not make sense at all. The irony is, to escape this emptiness, I want to travel more. My heart feels like taking shelter in an unknown land but how can a traveller ever escape their own shadow? Regardless of where I go, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts come along. So where can I really go?
 
On days like today, I look for reasons or answers to silence this noise. Perhaps I should stop wandering and find that someone who can be more than just a friend, but then I reflect and look at all those times when all those potentials just walked away, leaving me with even more darkness! It was like they were matchsticks giving temporary light when I had presumed that they were the sunrises. I am not saying I do not crave to have sunset walks with someone or sit by the beach at night, hand in hand while listening to those waves; I am just saying, perhaps I am not destined for such dreams.
 
Perhaps the answer is what it has always been: travel. Everything I have earned materially; I have spent it towards my dream of seeing more and more of the world. No one will ever understand why and how I do it – even I don’t sometimes! I just absorb and feel grateful for this blessing. As I type and conclude this piece, I am on the island of Koh Phangan, it is 0119 and I am listening to the waves, alone under the moonlight – I would be crazy not to feel humbled. I travel for moments, like these…
Perhaps the answer is my mom, who I haven’t met for 20 months now and that must be catching up with me. A week back home could solve it all. 
Perhaps it is service, which has always been a fundamental pillar and ethic of my life. For me, very few things bring more happiness than the blessing of being able to give back. 
 
Well, reflecting on all of this, I realize I am running, the faster the better and happier I am…I have always known that deep down, there is a very hollow space in my heart, and that is okay. Someone who I once had the privilege of knowing, wrote about how we all put on masks. I am just waiting for the day someone uncovers all of mine for me! Until then, I will take relief in that I belong to the fortunate few, who have found ways of covering our loneliness, our emptiness…
 
Peace!
Champ!

The Door In Between...

This piece is dedicated to each and every member of my Al-ilm family. I am indebted, forever for your love; your compassion; your patience; your respect; the moments of banter; the incredible memories, laughter and above all, your tolerance and acceptance (of me)! It means way more than I shall ever be able to express.

I heard someone once say, ‘there is a door between me and Him’. I cannot express enough the magnitude and depth to which I echo this line. When I look back at my life and there have been so many moments when I have seen, felt and touched this door, but it hasn’t opened, not as yet… I have always felt His presence right across and as much as I have prayed, whipped and begged; that one line, as faded as it is, hasn’t moved. You know what though, I am so grateful that it hasn’t because it keeps reminding me that I need to elevate myself further. It reminds me that there is a long way ahead and much must be done on my part to cross over. It keeps me grounded, just where I belong!
 
It is 0541, I am on a ferry to Donsak pier listening to Wohi Khuda hai by Atif Aslam: some moments can’t be put to words. I am heading to Bangkok to attend Navroz. How can I possibly express how grateful I am to He who is above all else!
I don’t think my words will ever do justice. I seem to have found home on the island of Koh Samui, as if this is where I belong and I don’t want to leave. It surprises me a lot because I am not one to settle down in one place, but this island seems to have synced with my soul. In fact, it is not just the island but the country itself that has grown on me, and does so more, each passing day!
 
When I resigned from the University, my only regret was not being able to work for Him anymore, because that is the primary reason with which I joined. 16 months later, I can say He has continued to bestow me with opportunities serve Him, especially through camps, which I am most passionate about – again, I am so grateful to Him.
 
Al Ilm is my family in ANZ! I have never met any one of them physically, but that doesn’t make a difference at all to what they mean to me! 4 days of camp felt too short!! It was Dec 2020 when I heard about the camp and expressed my interest to serve. I was glad that my application was accepted but as a facilitator – not my cup of tea. I was very happy to be a part of it, but I shared that I’d rather do logistics, which again, when I was accepted into the role, I was humbled. The one thing that I admired most about the team and the leadership was their acceptance of me without any bias, any judgement - this meant so much to me; even more so now!!
We discussed on our 1^st logistics call about the Zoom logistics and at the first core team meeting that I attended, Alykhan (head of the logistics team) put me on the spot to share with everyone – I blanked out! Shanik saved me!! :p It was a “maro mujhe moment” I thought to myself, I am supposed to be the guy who knows about Zoom and here I am *facepalm*. Then…I slept during one of our meetings, Jesus! Well, it was at 0400 and I decided to take it from my bed – big mistake!! I thought to myself ‘a relatively experienced logistics volunteer, who blanks out and sleeps during meetings’ – what a reputation Rahim!!
 
I earned myself the nickname “naming conventions”. Hosting calls; refusing to give co-host access: p; playing old-school music; being too critical at times; joining 2 zoom lines at once (and making the folks in the lounge attend sessions: p); always being in awe and sheer admiration of the talent, unity and bond of the team; taking the funny screenshots; discussing big boss; the Spotify playlist; the final day chaotic vibe; the emotional beginnings and endings; learning how to play 21; ‘maro muje maro’ and being a member of the famous ‘unfiltered break-out room #4’ – there is just so much to miss about the camp!
 
No 2 camps are ever the same and it is unfair to compare because each brings its own set of lessons, memories, friendships. It is also not fair for me to take any 1 particular name either because I made friendships and bonds all across, unique understandings and wavelengths with the different members of the team, but the camp allowed me to meet someone who I saw glimpses of myself in. I always say that he is a way more talented and focused version of me!! His honesty to serve with a purpose and dedication will be something I will always admire and give an example of. He will always be my bhai.
 
I carry the thoughts of each one of them with me. I pray for them. I am taking the first flight to Australia post Covid-19 restrictions being lifted – I am determined to do that, or they come to Thailand!!
 
This piece does not do justice at all, especially to a camp that brought a lot of meaning and happiness for me. I once again want to say that the way each member of the team accepted me, I am indebted!
 
I want to conclude by saying: there are moments when the door between Him and I is no more; I feel His presence right across me; I feel He is holding my hand and guiding me through – moments when I serve. It hurts me to see ‘narcissistic egos’ getting in the way of one’s inclusion to serve but I have confidence and faith in Him, and He will guide me (and others) through. I know this for a fact! I have faith!
 
 Peace!

Champ!

Conectar!!!!

Author's note: this piece is dedicated to each and every single member of my Conectar family :)

It has been 5 years since the first time I attended a GE camp, yet I still get very emotional, connected, and touched each time. Every camp since then has had its own special place in my heart. Somewhere along the journey, I have also had to sadly hold back (and it hurt a lot!) but that is a different story for another day. Today, a day after the winter camp ended, the shortest camp I might add, which I honestly thought and questioned in terms of connections that will be made has left me numb, speechless, filled with tears of joy for the honour of knowing a bunch of incredible individuals; even better that they feel like, in fact, they are a family to me.

 

Connectar or Conectar as Alisha would correct me, which I might add wasn’t even my spelling in the first place (she won’t accept this!), has become a part of my life without even realizing. I remember getting a call from the head of logistics for the camps months back and she asked if I had the time in December to do another camp. As the GM of a villa, Christmas and NY is a peak period so I hesitated for a moment but agreed to serve on the evening stagger; 1915 till 0330 for me. Crazy you might say? Well, my Nanu has left me with a legacy of serving and I value this blessing, this privilege very highly but above all, only the blessed get to serve. 
I got the confirmation to be on the team and connected with the Senior Staff team. Zara, one of my participants from 2015 was a co-OpD. I am so proud! So ideally, you do camp and post that, the conversations die but Zara and I have remained in touch. Her abilities to do all that she does at her age, inspires me, a lot!
I met Raheel briefly during the 2018 Pakistan camp; that was a camp I hadn’t fully immersed in though for personal reasons, so I knew him but not did not know him. I had never met Mother Nature or Planet Earth before (#conectarreference)! I am so glad that I now know all 3 of them; their energy, their thoughtful creativity, their dedication and their passion for teaching is something I will always treasure.

 

“I am not a cheater, but I love winning and I have ways of doing that within the ethical boundaries” – Mwalim Rahim

 

Every camp has special memories, mostly, it will be the little things that you will remember for years to come; things that break the ice; allow for bonding to happen and eventually bring you together as a family. I’d say for us, the ice broke during the 2 socials we held. Although they were a complete contrast of each other, but they did the job! Aamal – my partner in crime should always remember that we never cheated, it was simply teamwork, and Malika, I know will have a facepalm at this point; perhaps, the truth is stretched a bit… #codenames

I cannot miss mentioning the food connection we all share; travel stories with Alisha; Swahili with Nafisa (teach me more please!) and the incredible amount of sass, banter and sarcasm that actually bonded us even more. 

I remember the one time I was all serious with a very strict face and Nirali’s comment lightened the mood. 
Ruhafzo, I do hate that filter function!
And of course, I should co-host a mindful minute at the Church of Aisha!

 

I cannot believe how easily (and unbelievably - I must say) Taufiq bonded with the family. As a late entry, it is always so tough (believe me I know!), but he is incredible. Saadiya and Taufiq’s cabin was my regular check-in. I call Saadiya, Shadow. I guess this nickname finally has its real meaning – she is my Shadow; one of my most special people since 2015. I really miss having our ‘check-ins’ in Karachi every 6 months. Clifton JK and Xander’s; I truly miss those times. I enjoyed spending time in their cabin not as a Mwalim but just as a part of the cabin. Of course, I would be introduced as ‘the world traveller’ – so much of an ego boost :p. I hope they read the Macbeth! Also, the rule of thirds – I did improvise very well!! I am so proud *collar raised*!

 

I have always said facilitation is a very difficult role; one I would fail at, royally! Majdi’s facilitation during the family visits was truly remarkable. It was my 2^nd camp with him in a row and his dedication to giving back despite all odds against him is simply inspiring. On the 2^nd day of ‘office hours’, I think I put Ariana in the waiting room when I wanted to actually put Alisha HAHA. 
They say life is incomplete without pain and for me, I felt pain when Savsan wasn’t able to attend the closing. I felt how she must be feeling and even though she was able to join towards the end, it was barely a minute left. Earlier in the day, I was discussing with Shazia and Zara the piece I thought I should read during open mic but post-closing and given what I felt, I read a completely different piece and truly dedicated it to her. Her message to me, later on, is one of the most beautiful ones I have ever received. 

 

It is unbelievable when I look back at my calendar and most of us have only known each other for just about a month and a half; all virtually yet we have spent the last couple of days, if not more, having shed some tears. Nirali, your story has a very special place in my heart; ‘the door between us and Him’

For me, there is no logical reasoning for these kinds of bonds and there shouldn’t be one as such, but the one thing that does unite us is our allegiance to the Imam of the time. It is our faith in Him that brings us together, guides us in our daily lives and makes us feel that we should give back. Some of us woke up at 4; others did not sleep till sunrise; some survived on 4 hours of sleep for months while others gave away their earned holidays to the cause; words will never do justice to how I feel about all this.

 

Mwalimu Esmael once told me ‘live in the moment, Rahim’. There is perhaps no greater advice that I have taken seriously than this one. Life is one-way and time never stops or returns so do the things you want and express how you feel, today! As Nisha said ‘it is easy to ask for forgiveness than permission’ 

GE has transformed my life. My camp stories are endless, to be honest. I laugh and cry thinking of all the moments that are engraved in my heart like it was yesterday. They act as reminders of the incredible time I spent; discussions I had; embarrassing moments; connections I made; the inspiring young individuals I met who were giving back despite all the odds; the unity of the team during the highs and lows of the camp; the warmth around a borne fire on a cold safari night still warms my soul; as I said, endless! My heart is filled with gratitude for all the memories and Conectar is perhaps one of the most special ones for me. 
All of me loves all of you….

Peace!

Champ!

 

Me without Dad is Lifeless

Author's note: This piece was written last week I believe. It was a day when I was immersed and absorbed in Dad's memory. I was really, really missing him that day so I penned this.

My most sincerest gratitude to Shazia for editing it, however, most of it, is as raw as I wrote it.

Every day without my dad is tough but some days trigger something deep inside such that every minute feels like a dagger straight through my heart; today is that kind of a day! Days like today, everything in my life; everything, my travels, my ocean office, my beach life, the few stunning videos and photos I have/click; simply everything in my life seems meaningless, valueless, lifeless…

 

I was quite okay actually up until evening but then I decided to go swim and as I was standing at the shore of the beach, the waves knocking into me strongly and the feeling of the ground beneath disappearing as they went back, something clicked. The waves these days in Samui are rough and high even for places like Bangrak, where I live, and usually have the calmest of waters. 

Dad was one of my strongest supporters, a pillar of my existence and I did not firmly realize until he passed. He was a very tough father who instilled ethics in me the hard way, and I don’t think he cared as long as he made sure that I was being the best version of myself. My grandfather was blind and hence did not do much for Dad. My grandmother did multiple jobs including washing utensils at homes to feed the household. I am not sure at what age but very early, my dad began working and because he was not educated, he had to do hard labor work. He would often share stories of how he struggled in Dubai, many times cooking food in a large quantity, which would be consumed over 2-3 days because they would be too tired and exhausted to cook daily, plus they never had that kind of money. 
Anyways, this space is too short to share his stories, but I will add…

 

He went through very tough times during his life all for mother and I. he invested his savings in my education, and I am ashamed every time I think of the times, I fought with him for not giving me what I wanted, which were mostly things I survived without none-the-less. I remember one particular instance, wherein my argument I told him I wanted to leave the house and he said, ‘I will leave tomorrow and everything that is mine is yours’. To be honest with you, I feel very guilty at the core for all those times!

 

When I am sad, I usually like to drive with some music on, or I write and pour everything. On this beautiful island of Samui, I can do both. I drove to my favorite viewpoint which has an amazing powerful breeze and the sight/sound of the waves crashing; I love it! This place touches me in ways I cannot explain. It is my “spot”. 
I am seated across, sharing what I am feeling as I sip my tea. How blessed am I, I cannot express! You know what though, I’d trade it all if I got Dad back. I miss having that one number I could dial to say, ‘I love you Dad’. The man who understood that his son’s heart had been hurt beyond repair, had given up on love and wandered; he understood his son’s passion for travel and why he always needed to be on the road or “Up-intheair!”; he understood his son was not a follower or a yes person and hence would not be society’s favorite kid; the man who believed in his son’s dream, regardless of how big they were for him.

 

I truly miss my father, whether I say it or not, and regardless of how it’s been 1,647 days since he left and as many more to come; I will always continue to miss him…

Peace!

Champ!