Author's note: This piece was written last week I believe. It was a day when I was immersed and absorbed in Dad's memory. I was really, really missing him that day so I penned this.
My most sincerest gratitude to Shazia for editing it, however, most of it, is as raw as I wrote it.
Every day without my dad is tough but some days trigger something deep inside such that every minute feels like a dagger straight through my heart; today is that kind of a day! Days like today, everything in my life; everything, my travels, my ocean office, my beach life, the few stunning videos and photos I have/click; simply everything in my life seems meaningless, valueless, lifeless…
I was quite okay actually up until evening but then I decided to go swim and as I was standing at the shore of the beach, the waves knocking into me strongly and the feeling of the ground beneath disappearing as they went back, something clicked. The waves these days in Samui are rough and high even for places like Bangrak, where I live, and usually have the calmest of waters.
Dad was one of my strongest supporters, a pillar of my existence and I did not firmly realize until he passed. He was a very tough father who instilled ethics in me the hard way, and I don’t think he cared as long as he made sure that I was being the best version of myself. My grandfather was blind and hence did not do much for Dad. My grandmother did multiple jobs including washing utensils at homes to feed the household. I am not sure at what age but very early, my dad began working and because he was not educated, he had to do hard labor work. He would often share stories of how he struggled in Dubai, many times cooking food in a large quantity, which would be consumed over 2-3 days because they would be too tired and exhausted to cook daily, plus they never had that kind of money.
Anyways, this space is too short to share his stories, but I will add…
He went through very tough times during his life all for mother and I. he invested his savings in my education, and I am ashamed every time I think of the times, I fought with him for not giving me what I wanted, which were mostly things I survived without none-the-less. I remember one particular instance, wherein my argument I told him I wanted to leave the house and he said, ‘I will leave tomorrow and everything that is mine is yours’. To be honest with you, I feel very guilty at the core for all those times!
When I am sad, I usually like to drive with some music on, or I write and pour everything. On this beautiful island of Samui, I can do both. I drove to my favorite viewpoint which has an amazing powerful breeze and the sight/sound of the waves crashing; I love it! This place touches me in ways I cannot explain. It is my “spot”.
I am seated across, sharing what I am feeling as I sip my tea. How blessed am I, I cannot express! You know what though, I’d trade it all if I got Dad back. I miss having that one number I could dial to say, ‘I love you Dad’. The man who understood that his son’s heart had been hurt beyond repair, had given up on love and wandered; he understood his son’s passion for travel and why he always needed to be on the road or “Up-intheair!”; he understood his son was not a follower or a yes person and hence would not be society’s favorite kid; the man who believed in his son’s dream, regardless of how big they were for him.
I truly miss my father, whether I say it or not, and regardless of how it’s been 1,647 days since he left and as many more to come; I will always continue to miss him…
Peace!
Champ!
No comments:
Post a Comment