4 Longg Years but I Remember!

Author's note: I began composing this piece last night as I was remembering Dad. The night of 17th and the whole of 18th, I become very numb. I couldn't finish this last night because I felt emotionally drained. Every atom of my existence was silenced as I was writing and it seemed every inch of me, burst out weeping so I had to stop.
Watching a mesmerising sunset from the pier next to my home, I have finally completed this.

"Chiti na koi sandesh, jane woh kaunsa desh, jahan tum chale gaye..."

Technically, I have traveled to 14 countries in the past 4 years; that is how long it has been since Dad left for another world! It feels much longer though!! Well, number 14 and I go a long way back, all the way to ‘91; when I was born on Oct-14. I also have 14 stiches on my forehead above my right eye; a reminder of how naughty and stubborn I was as a kid, or rather, still am! My favorite aunt was born on Dec-14 and oh, the first time I failed an Academic year, and Dad had to take a tough decision for me to relaunch my studies, well I was 14! We humans want to find reasoning and logic in everything…

18^th June 2016; the day my life changed forever. I have said it in the past and I shall repeat here again; I remember every single moment so well and clearly. I haven’t forgotten anything; absolutely nothing, and to be honest, I don’t want to either…

I remember talking to Dad for 17m, 24s. He had just returned from work but despite being tired, his love for me won. He stood outside and we spoke. It was raining that day so he must have been feeling cold as well; but a parent’s love always wins! I remember telling him ‘I am only a month away from meeting you. Do you want something?’ It was the season of mangoes in Pakistan so I told him I will bring that since he loved them. I remember him telling me ‘you come, that is it. I want nothing else’. I remember telling him that I love him. I remember telling him how grateful I was to have him as my father. Could there have been a better end to a final conversation, although I did not know it at the time? See why I always say, express your love because there is absolutely no guarantees of a tomorrow. Tomorrow is far, no guarantees of the moment ahead.

After the call, I remember how I was lying under a star-less sky with only the moon staring right at me. I remember how my instinct was telling me ‘something isn’t right, Rahim’. It was a family gathering and I remember my mind being somewhere far away. I remember the mood changing of the members and how I was taken downstairs to the room. I remember hearing my uncle’s words as he embraced me, ‘hausla rakhna hai apne ko, mama kay liye’ (you have to be/stay strong, for mom). 

I remember calling my boss to share the news. I had invited him to my homecoming party the next day; I remember how his tone changed; a change as though a sunrise turned to a sunset! I remember heading home to pack my bag to travel and just as I was doing that, I got a call from one of my childhood friends. She had lost her dad not so long back, so she knew what I was going through. She wanted me to be strong; remain strong!

I remember calling my best friend from the airport to share the darkest news of my life. I remember his silence the moment I told him, for it was a reflection of my soul, which had indeed shut itself too. I remember him posting on my Facebook timeline requesting everyone to give me space as I mourned the loss of a pillar. Shiraz has always known me better than others.

I remember traveling that night with a numb, frozen and silent heart; the longest travel of my life. I remember that immigration officer in Uganda, whose eyes teared when she heard why I had returned home. I remember her words to me as she returned my passport ‘may He give you all the strength in the world; you will need it’.

I remember hugging my mom for the first time as I stepped into my home; it was as though, she could finally cry to someone she knew understood the loss. I remember hugging a devastated, heartbroken wife, who spent all her life loving 1 man, who had passed away in her lap the night before. I remember my grandfather’s eyes, which had seen many souls pass but this one was one of his own.

I remember not wanting to see Dad until the day of the funeral because I knew, I’d break before it was time to break. I remember standing in that line as members of the community came to share their condolences. I had never in my roughest dreams imagined that feeling. I remember this 1 uncle who broke in my arms; he used to sit next to Dad in the mosque, something I did not know until that day. I remember him very well for he shared how proud my father was of my achievements. He said my Dad wouldn’t stop speaking of my accomplishments, be badminton, photography or the fewer travels I had done back then.

I remember my uncle traveling to Uganda from Mozambique – something that was a source of immense strength for me and I shall forever be indebted to him. I remember waking up that morning for the funeral and thinking to myself ‘it is only 4 to 5 hours Rahim, they will pass by quick’. I remember the lengthiest and heaviest 5 hours of my life.

The body is first shown to the family to have a private, intimate, final moment with the deceased. I remember walking into that room in 1 piece and coming out in shattered, countless pieces. I remember walking away right as I stepped in, just like paper burns to ash when introduced to fire. Even though I was strong, life never prepares you enough for the loss of a parent. How can it? I remember my uncle holding my hand to take me around Dad. Up until that point, I think my heart was hoping that this wasn’t true; as if it were a nightmare and I will wake up to him being around.

I remember being seated in front of his body and hoping the chest will beat anytime now! I remember reciting for him at the ceremony, with all my heart, however much I had left anyways. I remember my former boss, my mentor and more like an elder brother traveling to Uganda for the funeral – again, something I shall forever be indebted. I did not realize back then for obvious reasons but today as I reflect back, there were members of my family, who never expressed any intention of coming despite how close we were. I think as my Dad went, so did those relationships.

I remember that last final walk I took around his body. I remember lifting his coffin and not wanting to let go, as always, I walked on the right side of him. I remember the burial. I remember being completely still, quiet and frozen in one place. I remember placing just 1 flower, at the top where his forehead was. I used to kiss him good night, so I did that, one final time. 

As I walked away from that graveyard, I remember receiving all of his strength, which has forever stayed with me.

The next month when I went back to Uganda, I remember asking Isaac (my boda boda dude in Kampala) to take me to the graveyard. We stopped at the gate and I told him ‘take me home’. I wasn’t ready to go in. My feet just did not have the strength to do it!

It took me a year before I did it in Oct-17. On the last day of my trip, I went to see Dad. I spent 5 minutes with him in silence. Every time I go Kampala, Isaac takes me to see Dad, again on the last day. I think I have realized that the balance of my life is maintained by me seeing him, every 1 or 2 years. The last time I went to see him was Aug-19.

I am fortunate for I got the chance to tell him that I love him or even just talk to him, you might not so don’t waste time. Your dad, mom or even that special someone, don’t let these worldly distractions or fear guide you. Reach out today, reach out now in fact and tell them you love them or say the sorry your ego doesn’t want to because trust me, they never come back.

I want to end with the lyrics of a song my dad's elder brother used to tell me about...

"Zindagi kay safar main guzar  jate hai jo makam, woh phir nahin aate, woh phir nahin aate..."

Peace!

Champ!

Love or ... (Part 3)

Author's note: I had initially thought this would be a 3 part series but I think it will be more than that. There is still plenty I need to let go of my heart and in bits and pieces, I keep scribbling away. I share the following stanzas for the time being...

It feels odd and strange to be back in the game, isn’t it?

You look at a pretty someone somewhere and want to approach,

But your feet don’t move in the direction of your lust,

A simple ‘hello’ becomes quite a challenge for you to say,

As tough as the physics theory paper felt back in high school,

Your heart says, ‘you’re nuts for choosing your nuts over me’,

We all crave intimacy, so do you, nothing wrong, but this is anything but,

You still fantasize the two of you, walking along the beach on a full moon night,

Or seated at the shore, holding hands as the waves crashed into you,

A strong breeze blowing across to engulf you both in goosebumps,

And a lightening in the background would occur as your lips touched hers,

As if God were applauding you both from the Heavens saying ‘Maktub’

But there is no thunder anymore in life; literally and figuratively,

You gave her the you that was lost and shattered ages back,

And she has made sure to erase every last bit of him, forever…

She used to be the last thing on your mind at sunset and the first at sunrise,

But she is slowly fading and becoming the second thing,

For this, I am happy for you; for every ounce of your silent, shattered heart,

The truth is, you deserve to be with more than just shadows,

You deserve hands, which will fit and remain in yours despite the noise,

You deserve to walk with feet, which will not walk away at the first sight of attachment,

Or rather, the fear of attachment,

Love on the road of life is like fog and that can be very scary indeed,

But the blurriness is God’s way of making us choose the path,

We can choose the sunrise together as the path clears itself,

Or we can create a storm and lightening for the other,

I am afraid, she left you in the rain as she walked towards shelters,

But I don't blame her you know, though clearly, it looks like I am,

I made this very choice some years back, and I guess this is karma,

I turned down love for my freedom; she has done the same on behalf of those others...

Come to think about it, I think it was better to remain social media acquaintances,

I wouldn’t have ‘got’ her, even though temporarily it was,

But then, I wouldn’t have lost her either,

Perhaps I haven’t fully lost her as yet, but I am doing a fine job of it,

I am erasing every last shred of my existence from her breaths; her thoughts; her life,

And that does not make me happy or satisfied at all,

It hurts even more; way more than she can possibly imagine,

I’d want nothing more than to stabilize us, whatever remaining it may be,

But I am not sure she wants the same anymore, especially after what she said today,

She wasn't just another wave in my life; she was the ocean, the one I thought I'd never get!

And yes, perhaps I never deserved it, hence here I am, all alone, even rejected by her memory,

As I type this, I am seated outside my beach house in the middle of a storm,

The ocean is rough, and the wind is blowing everything in its path,

Not to forget the darkness all around due to a total cloud cover,

Allah is making me witness my life after her, right here, right now…

Peace!
Champ!

Love or... (Part 2)

Author's note: This piece is perhaps the 2nd part of a 3 piece series on the theme of unrequited love, choosing to love or let go and the sheer pain of a whipping heart, who is learning to move on...

I was quite clear on the path I had chosen to walk. 
A path of temporary intimacies; sometimes just a night!!
As I strode this path, a message out of the blue changed quite a bit. 

She <DM’d> me! 
That is all it took to disrupt the flow of my life. Was it for good or bad? Tough one to answer, I’d say! 
Her presence in my life all of a sudden made me believe again. 
Believe in happy endings; as if one was even written for me!
Every wall I had ever made, just came down crumbling without me realizing,
The more we spoke, every chord of my heart cuddled with her heartbeats,
But her absence now has made one thing crystal clear,
The path I had initially chosen was the one made and meant for me. 
I am more than determined to stick to this path,
Pain is inevitable but we can surely choose the one we don't want,
Love is the biggest con and illusion in the world,
And it seems I was destined to forever find people I could not be with. 

I am significantly tired; exhausted actually of climbing high walls, 
Only then be asked to join the crowd outside the door. 
I thought I had passed being emotionally involved, 
I actually thought I was safe from the heartaches, 
But for the past couple months have re-awakened every crack within,
Cracks along the scars left by the impossibilities I have met in life,
It seems my heart is filled with darkness and loneliness, 
Even those walking towards me as light, fade the closer they come...
Heartaches are perhaps like the roundabouts of our life,
Love seems to be a straight road until you arrive at the roundabout,
Life presents you with choices and it will be unwise to continue straight,
So, all of this turmoil has only made me strengthen my walls more,

There is no point in chasing shadows, I remind myself every day now, 
So as Miranda Kenneally once said, “When unrequited love is the most expensive thing on the menu, 
sometimes you settle for the daily special”

Unlike bulbs, emotions and feelings don’t have a switch button, 
You can’t love and unlove people at their request. 
If it were true, I'd be madly in love with Deepika or Katrina; I mean I love them anyways :p
So, once you fall down the hole, there is no ladder really to climb back either. 

You can’t "control Z" or backspace to erase what you felt. 
Quite frankly, there is only one way for you to survive;
Walk away for the time being, as far as you can,
Until your heart feels at ease and makes its peace,
Peace with the fact that they weren't yours, to begin with,
That they chose something or someone over you, and it is okay,
They had that right of choice, and so do you; use it wisely, walk away!
Because trust me, she already did, yet you are standing where you were,
Hand-stretched out thinking she will hold it back, but she is long gone... long gone...
And so move on! Someday maybe, you might find it okay to be around her,
Perhaps even laugh and have a conversation without feeling angry, at her!
A conversation just like old times, yet the reality would be anything but old times. 
Remember, she chose to lose what you two had. She walked away, so don't blame yourself for doing the same,
The only thing worse than heartbreak is being someone's second choice,
And you do not deserve that. Remember that...

It won't be easy though! Loneliness will catch up and walk beside you. 
You will be judged for choosing this path but do not care about people,
They did not go through what you did,
They don't know what it is like to look at your phone, which has no notifications with her name on,
This 'rebellious' path you have chosen is full of partners and meaningless intimacies.
Powerful moments I must say, but not what they would have been with her,

You will perfect lines like 'your place or mine' or 'call me maybe?’ 
You will be called names and be seen as weak, but that is okay. 
At the core you know; you chose love wholeheartedly until she did not. 
Every single time you gave love a chance, it slapped you and walked away, 
so, you embarked on a different road and did not invite your heart along. 
I mean you still packed your numb heart which is now like a rock, 
but the only rocks that matter on this road are below your belt,
Your social media will have stories and photos of you, each time at a different place and with a different someone. 
Your friends will think you are the luckiest and will envy you, 
However, not realizing that every night, your pillow is wetter than where your fingers were! That deep down, you are filled with the pain of not being enough for someone. 
But, you will survive! Because in the end, just like love, heartbreaks aren't forever!

Peace!
Champ!