Love or ... (Part I)

Author's note: I have been reflecting a lot about love and both sides of the spectrum; being the lover and being the one loved. Fortunately, I have been on both ends and lately, I have been on the one that perhaps hurts the most - being the lover. I think it hurts most because you are not the one deciding which path you are taking i.e. the one with light, love and the person who you can be yourself with or the one with pain, heartbreak and deep darkness.

A couple of years back I believe, I made a choice of the path I wanted. Along this path I wanted, there was no room for me to commit to anyone so to the few who broke every barrier I had placed, eventually were hurt at the last hurdle because they met with a wall. Lately, I have been reflecting on how one feels to be facing such a wall since I faced one. I have also been scribbling down my thoughts on this; what would I tell my younger self, who decided to give up on love and walk the rebellious path (which I am currently back on!). What should one choose, love, wait and pain or temporary fixes and moving on? There might never be a correct answer to this question but I am certainly trying to explore and make meaning of this question; so, my next couple of pieces or so will revolve around this theme.

Meri zeest main ek aisa shaks hai yaaron,

Jo meri umar hai aur main uska ek lamha bhi nahin - Ahmed Faraz

These sunset walks that I take alone every day, 

Remind me of the sheer solitude engraved in me,

So deep that it is extremely difficult to erase,

And quite honestly, I don’t want to get rid of it,

It has become a part of my existence now,

It reminds me that I am a wanderer, and love isn’t for me,

The fairy tale love I mean, the forever happy one,

After all, wanderers have no destination but the ultimate one,

And I am still some yards away from that or so I hope…

It was some time back when I decided to build walls,

I chose the path of wandering and it came with a price,

A very heavy, emotionally painful and heart-shattering price,

The price of simply watching kisses, usually during sunsets,

or the price of watching two hands holding each other tight,

or the price of two bodies wrapped in each other in an ocean,

And where do I fit in all of this? 

Well, I am the eye that captures these moments!

Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely love capturing them,

But a part of my heartaches and envies to be there…

Almost every chord of my heart has been shattered,

Not by one particular person but the many I encountered,

I feel like I am that wonderful deserted island,

Travellers sight it from a distance and sail across to visit,

They swim in the water and tan on the shores of an empty beach,

They arrive at sunrise and depart at the hour of sunset,

And like a selfless, giving island; I start the day alone, and end it alone,

Only to welcome the next guest, the next day or the day after,

Well, perhaps it is time this island decided to close its shores,

Build a viewpoint for those who wish to climb,

And let them see that empty, deserted shore, filled with footsteps…

To choose love or not, is quite honestly a trick question,

My best friend told me ‘love is the toughest decision’,

It brings with it the possibility of finding a home in someone,

It brings intimacy and a safe haven to express; be yourself!

it brings with it the person who loves you, without your ‘societal’ mask,

But all the above and much more come at a heavy risk,

The risk of being denied the one thing you chose the path for; love!

The risk of dimming the light that brightens your path of life,

The risk of living a life reading past messages and listening to voice notes,

And as you do, a bittersweet bug of nostalgia stings every atom of your body,

The risk of looking at their photos with someone else yet being there for them,

The risk of just becoming another friend, another page in a chapter somewhere,

The risk of being nothing to the person who is perhaps anything but for you,

So, what would you choose? Love or…

Peace!
Champ!