Author's Note: I honestly don't know why I ended up writing this piece or how. I think something triggered me yesterday; a song, a memory, a feeling and I thought I'd just pen down what I felt.
Kuch aise hadsay hojate hai zindagi main Faraz,
Insaan bach toh jata hai, mager zinda nahin rehta...
Sometimes, very few times but very strongly, I feel like starting over. I feel like cleaning the slate of my life of all those who have been anchors of pain rooted in my existence. I feel like deleting them, if possible, at all. I can of course do it on social media and delete their numbers but how can someone be erased from memory? I have tried it you know; muting someone’s stories and posts on Instagram and it worked remarkably well, until that song played that I had once sang for her on a voice note, or the song she shared with me…all it took, was the first note of those songs and right there, she returned! So no, social media blocking isn’t good enough and there has to be a better way, or a way at least; because it hurts a lot to live with shadows knowing they will never become a reality for you. My fav poet once said ‘tu jo na mila toh marjaenge Faraz; kitna haseen woh jhoot bolta tha’, meaning, ‘if I do not get to have you I will die, what a beautiful lie she used to tell me’.
“Maktub” is a word from Paulo’s book the Alchemist, and it is tattooed on my neck representing my belief that if things are meant to be, they will happen because it is written. Truth be told, I hope that some people are not written for a 2nd chapter of theirs in my life. And just as I am typing this, her song plays on my playlist; mujse pehli si mohobat mere mehboob na mang…
I think life is about choices and we make them every single day from what to put on, who to text, what to eat…who to love! I don’t want to be someone’s 2nd choice! I want to be chosen because someone feels ‘right’ with me, not because life has brought them back to me. I think Khalil Gibran said ‘if you truly love someone, let them go. If they returned, they were yours and if they do not, they never were’. I fully disagree to this actually. Why would you want to let love go? I know circumstances do happen where we are not ready for it and sure you let it go (I have too) but don’t expect it to hang around or come back. Life is not a Bollywood movie or a fairytale where it is ‘happily lived ever after’. Life is like an airplane, which you board when you come into this world, and every major decision is a pushback from the gate you were on – there is no going back…
One of the best individuals in my life, who I can honourably say I had a connection with once told me ‘you are either enough for someone, or you are not; sometimes, it is that simple, Rahim!’
I don’t know what triggered me to write this piece but after such a long time, I have written without stopping. I was thinking and reflecting on certain individuals in my life, who are there but are not there. It does not affect or bother me all the time, but every time I think about it, I wonder if they even remember me; or our conversations; generally, what we had... I honestly can’t say they do. Their existence and presence triggers the strongest possible nostalgia, but it is all part of life, isn’t it. I want to end this piece with another one from Faraz:
“Hai dafan mujh main kitni rounaqein, mat puch Faraz,
Ujjr Ujjr kay jo basta raha, woh shehar hoon main”
Peace!
Champ!
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