The Feeling of Being Home!

London to Skopje, November 2018

"I am wandering the face of this earth waiting for the feeling of being home, once again..."

One of the most perceptive things in the world today is the concept of ‘being home’. What is home? Is it a feeling, or a certain someone, or a place or perhaps a time of our life? When can one really say ‘I am home’! I guess it could be any of the above depending on the person and the time of their life.In 2009, home was a person for me, where as in 2015, I was in Dar es Salaam on my own and home was a place for me, Uganda, where my Dad and Mom lived. Today, home is neither of the two – the person was never meant to be, Dad isn’t alive anymore and Mom resides with me in Karachi. Thinking about this, would it right to say that I am not home then? Well, Mom is home for me! Nothing in my life weighs as much as she does. This being said, Allah has given each one of us a heart, which is a home in its own form. As is the nature of homes, a vacant one begins to accumulate dust, darkness and silence. I wonder how many of us realize that even with the biggest smile on our faces and music in our lives, all we are is a vacant home!

I believe at some point in our lives, we all find out what is the true meaning of home for us and whether we like it or not, we can never be there forever, because just like this life, everything is temporary. Even the strongest roots are shaken, uprooted and destroyed because it His law about this world; the “law of temporariness”. Many of us lead our lives as if we have all time in the world, including myself. For instance, I know I have to complete my MBA, and grow as a professional, but many a times I choose the badminton court or Netflix instead of my book. Now, I do catch up and get on track, not to add that after a day in my role, one needs to tone down and do what he/she loves most so I understand my choice, but in an overall comparison of what I should be choosing, I make the less desired choice!

In a recent interview I gave, I was asked ‘why are you taking your MBA at such a slow pace?’ aside from financial constraints, my response was “from August 2014 – March 2016, I had all the time to expedite my MBA but I thought I had all the time in the world. I had joined as a trainee in SMART, Uganda, after which I was hired as a part-time professor in my own college and then joined flydubai in Tanzania. In March 2016, I joined AKU and thought now I can finally get going so I purchased a module. April was a busy time due to a major event so in May I finally started pursuing my studies. In June, my father passed away – and life has never been the same, by God, it has not been the same. I thought I had all the time in the world, never have I been so wrong!” Trust me, all we have is today, may be not even today but now; just now…

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am not sure what you think but I agree to this philosophy. No other feeling in the world comes any closer to the feeling of being deeply in love with someone. Oh wait, one feeling does; the feeling of knowing that someone out there, is purely, deeply and madly in love with you; that my friends is the best feeling in the world. That person is home! Of course some of us replace ‘someone’ with things, hobbies, passions and places to ensure they feel they are home, one of them is I. Being Up-intheair is home!

For those who are graced by the feeling of love, life is bound to change, forever. Love is a very powerful feeling just like a cyclone; once it touches your life, you are never the same again regardless of what it decides for you, to stay or leave. Well, I can tell you that it never entirely leaves but you know what I mean! From the ‘core’ of my heart, I tell you time never heals any wounds; it only shows you how to survive with the scars.

I am not sure what I jolted down really, or whether I managed to pour all my thoughts with the use of the right words, but this piece, I felt like writing. I conclude by talking about wandering versus commitment/settling down. 

Don’t accept judgments from anyone if you are wandering, like I am. It is totally okay to not want to commit, because I’d rather explore than to settle, only to shatter the other person. Many a times today, I look in the mirror and fail to recognize myself. I know my history very well; I realize the steps I have had to take and the path I have had to walk to get to where I am right now; I fathom the acceptance of the person I am better than anyone else today, but I wouldn’t change a thing! Our experiences shape us in to who we are today, our decisions shape us who we will be tomorrow, so instead of cursing what we did, be paths we ignored or people we could have asked out but were too afraid/nervous or time we wasted; the best thing we can do is to focus on today and grow from the mistakes we made. If you ask me, be rejected than to never have asked, I am trying this approach in my life, which is totally different from the one I have had all these years, which I don’t ask because she will say no. I am also trying to adapt a new way of saying the truth; instead of using my sword to slash, I now walk with a croc; [whoa that rhymed!!], which I let go and it does its bit and re-joins me – tough to understand what I mean, I know, but I had to put it out. Point is, try different approaches and things, otherwise you will remain the person you were, and we all know, a river is beautiful because it flows; stagnant water becomes a swamp attracting no one but flies. Judge less, focus on yourself and move forward, He is watching, believe me He is.

“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.” ― Warsan Shire

Peace!

Champ!

Trying to be Semi-Decent; Part 1!

Photo Credits: Jerome!
Mauritius, 2014

“Somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you, is a little boy who fell in love with the game and never looked back... play for him” – Original quote by Mia Hamm

This quote is particularly very close to my heart, for it represents why I play badminton.

During one’s lifetime, a few things, like a few people end up being very close to our hearts and perhaps even the soul, if I may say so. Not only are they a part of your life, but also define you as a person in many ways and teach you a thing or two about how you should lead your life. They inspire you in ways others can’t and shape you as an individual. Many a times, we fail to recognize these, especially the things that matter most hence the famous saying “you only realize the value of something after losing it”. In my case, the thing I love most is traveling. It is like a drug to me and I need a fix every once in a while, the frequency of which is increasing! However, today, I want to talk about badminton, a sport that has played a significant role in my life. Many traits of my personality have become rooted because of it. It is my favorite sport, taught to me by my best friend, Shiraz, and I continue to pass it on to anyone who wishes to learn it.
As I sat down to pen this, I realize, what a journey it has been, and continues to be. It has taught me many things a long the way…

In 2004, at the age of 13, I returned to Kampala from Mozambique after really turbulent 3 years during which I lost my grandmother, relocated countries twice and for the very first time in my life, failed an academic year – perhaps the toughest thing of them all! Upon my return, I reunited with my childhood friend, Arif, who introduced me to Shiraz. Along with Afzal, the four of us would play badminton quite frequently. I was the rookie in the group and teamed up with Shiraz. My role was to stand in front at the service line and manage the drops, and smash occasionally (if I managed!) where as Shiraz managed the back; if I put it in percentages, I managed 25% of the court and he managed about 75%. At the time, I did not realize that this base of my game, and being at the net will teach me my signature shot, one I will be known for; a smash at the net regardless of how low the shuttle is. Shiraz gave me one his racquets, which any player will tell you is a big deal. Personally, I do not share my racquets except with very few people, who are really good at the game and I trust will not mishandle it, but at the time, I could barely swing the racquet!
We would play in the morning after prayers around 6am or in the afternoon; and trust me, whenever we would play; it used to be the happiest time of my day!

In a year, 2005, Shiraz left for the US! By that time, not only were we badminton doubles partners but best friends as well. I was an introverted, sporty and naughty kid who did not have a lot of friends; or say any friends. Let us just say I was not your average ‘society approved’ teenager, so when Shiraz left, I felt someone had literally taken life out of me.
The path ahead was very tough for me. I had to survive and adapt to the situation – I got immerses in service in Jamat Khana, enhanced my vision and love for the faith and sports, primarily cricket and badminton – well, it is a long story so I will leave this period for another post!

The Aga Khan Youth & Sports board in Kampala bought racquets as not everyone had one and I was one of them. The racquets were not pro but good enough, belonging to a make called ‘Wish’. It was with one of these racquets that I won my first ever singles match after 3 deuces; I will never forget that win because it showed my own resilience as an individual. One thing was engraved in me that day, no matter what, do not give up. Never hand someone the privilege of saying they beat you without him or her earning it. It also taught me one of the least accepted facts; it is not about the racquet you have, it is about the game you can bring to the court.

Soon after that match, I played my first ever tournament, and lost in the 2^ndround after a heartfelt performance. Both matches (1^stand 2^ndround) were fighting performances and I did not give up at any point. Of course I was very sad and felt disappointed. I sat in a corner crying when an old gentleman approached and congratulated me on my performance. He said I had demonstrated courage and spirit, two of the qualities he had carried throughout his time on court. He shared pieces of advise about how I can improve as a player, and then from his kit, removed 2 racquets and handed them to me. He said ‘I am confident in the player you will become in the years to come. Always remember, play the sport with respect and love for it, and never, ever give up, regardless of the difference between you and the person on the other side of the net’. Those were my first 2 racquets; 1 in green, which was powerful and smashed well and the other maroon in color, a touch too heavy for the liking.
In the following tournament, I was playing a 3^rdround match, and began to miss easy shots. It was perhaps one of those days, where nothing works! At one point in the 2^ndgame, I missed my signature shot and just lost it! Furiously, I smashed the green racquet on the floor until it cracked to pieces. I was given a warning for court violation and eventually, lost the match. Upset and sad, I sat in one corner holding the shattered racquet in my hand, when the old man approached me yet again and said ‘there is a reason I gave you 2 racquets -I knew, one day you would crack one of them, and sadly, it will be the one you love of the 2. You also forgot I my advise so quickly; respect for the game!’ I felt guilty, embarrassed and wasn’t able to look him in the eye, because not only had I forgotten the advise of the only man who thought I could play badminton, but also purposely destroyed a gift; one he had given me with so much belief.
I apologized to him and he told me it is a lesson, and the earlier I learn it, the better. He said he had done the same thing years ago and learnt that unless and until we show respect for the game, we can’t really win over it.
It has been nearly 13 years to the day; I have lost matches I should have won and even lost to a 10-year old kid because of my anger but never have I hit my racquet on the ground that way. 

One of the victories that put me on the radar was back in high school. I had injured my left arm in cricket and although not fractured or on a sling, it was taped and bandaged. Unfortunately, this happened during the time when the house tournaments were going on and I was representing my house in badminton. I opted to play the match in that condition with the pain and won! I remember my friend, classmate, cricket teammate and a great tennis player, Abhishek was supporting and cheering me remarked ‘this dude is one hell of a player’. I tell you, tiny moments with the smallest of remarks end up shaping one’s life and bringing tremendous motivation. Just like words have the power to damage one, they have the ability to grow one too! This is why, we should be careful with our words, always!!

My worst loss ever

There is a regional tournament in East Africa for the Ismaili Community called “Unity Games (UG)”. I have so far attended 3 UG’s and never gone beyond the quarterfinals in the men singles category. I am not someone who carries forward any regrets but if there is one tournament I really wanted to win back in the day, or even today, it is the UG. In my last UG I attended, I eventually ended up volunteering for the games and helped manage badminton. As a non-partial, straightforward individual, I extended no favourism towards anyone despite being from Team Uganda, which made a particular family very upset. Ironically, I was clashing with the son in the quarterfinal. Although he was only 10, he used to train and play at a higher level, but his game wasn’t strong enough to beat me. Just before the match, I had a very strong confrontation with the father – everyone there knew who was right! I told myself, I am going to beat this kid on zero to teach him something. I don’t remember playing in such anger ever before. The first point itself, I set it up and smashed with all I had, followed by a ‘come on!’ However, I lost in straight games to him because I allowed my anger to get the better of me. I was embarrassed, sad, upset and deeply hurt, because I really wanted to win the tournament. The next day I came back to court and continued to serve as the tournament coordinator; watched the kid lose in the semi final, a match I should have played – every second of that day hurt; by God, really hurt!
We ended up winning the team trophy but it did not mean as much to me as a singles title would. I walked away from that tournament with a lot of respect from many people, because I had shown character, strength of mind and tremendous spirit as a volunteer. I also walked away with one of the greatest lessons; let your game speak on court and not your mouth. At the end of the day, people remember you lost, not why you lost!

There is much more for me to share about my journey and this piece is already at a length, so I will stop here and continue in the next piece. 

I really want to appreciate everyone who has continuously read and followed my blog. A couple of friends have always encouraged me to write; it means a lot!

A friend gave me a line with which I should end the piece, so although this is not the end, I will conclude with it:

“I'm a bad player only hoping to be semi decent”

 Peace!

Champ!