A different version of me!

I read someone’s blog; someone I absolutely adore and love to read; she wrote: 

“This is another version of me I don’t recognize. Should I accept it, give in to it? And when I know for sure it’s definitely not better than the previous me, how do I revert back?”

I could relate! I could absolutely relate!!

One of my second cousins who has seen me evolve these many years told me at a moment when we were bidding goodbye: “Today I feel I am meeting the Rahim who once gave me the Alchemist”. I am pretty surprised that she could meet that version of me because I am unable to meet him anymore.  I try to look for him but I seem to not find him. The one who had unreasonable confidence in long standing commitments and relationships; the one who was naïve enough to presume everyone says what they feel like with no hidden agendas; the one who had enormous confidence in humanity…today, this Rahim, I am not so sure if he does. Perhaps because he has been swimming in the deep end, and continues to go further where the sharks are; he has seen pretty much all of it. How you can get side-lined, or how all it matters is who you know and how well you  know them. OR Perhaps because he paid a price for his honesty and loyalty; he was gifted darkness for love, a darkness that is so deep that it follows him and much as he has climbed his way up, a song or a couple of lines of Faraz are enough to remind him of a time that was perhaps the most beautiful illusion of his life…I don’t even know if I made sense in the lines I just wrote!

So this version of me; I am in love with him, just like I was in love with the other version, and the many other versions that exist. The me today is confident, a touch way more extrovert, wickedest and evil sense of humor, sharp eye for people and yeah, a touch flirty. I often say that the-me today still has the heart of the me-yesterday. Some things never change you know; like my belief in the ethics of honesty and loyalty; like my vision to work for my Mowla, my love for Him; my love for photography, music, books, journaling and travelling; working out of cafés; and of course there are new additions to the list – some of which I can’t mention here :p!

This is life I believe that with time, people evolve and change, and we must accept that but most importantly, I feel it is critical for us to accept ourselves. If one cannot admire the person in the mirror, how will anyone else do so? Of course, we have all sinned, the depth of the sins of course is different but we have all sinned!

I don’t know what chord was struck in my soul when I read the lines I read and started this piece with; I don’t even know if this piece is any “well” written or understandable, but I have been thinking a lot about this version of myself – I am nearly certain that folks who saw me in my earlier days; high school days I mean (not that old you know!), would probably not like this me – after all, not so naïve anymore, you know!

Lastly, two lines written by Ahmed Faraz:

“kuch tu hi mere dard ka mafhoom samaj le Faraz,

hansta hua chehra toh zamane kay liye hai”

Peace,

Champ!

                                                      

Identity, Vision, Purpose...!

“Are you an Ismaili?”

In the past, I have written some critical and therefore not-so-pleasing articles, but the one I am writing today I think will really hit some nerves, especially the first paragraph.

I currently reside in Karachi and there are several Jamat Khanas (Ismaili prayer halls) in this city and I love to go to different ones but I mainly commute between a few of them. Regardless of where I go, being a single guy I am looked upon with eyes of suspicion. I usually prepare myself after parking the car that before entering the compound, I will be asked ‘where are you from? Are you an Ismaili?’ or even with just a “Ya Ali Madad” to see if I belong to the community. The pain of this exercise is so enormously hurting that I cannot explain this in words. The more it happens, the more it grows in me a bitterness towards this country I live in which is actually my home country. It also makes me ponder, is this what the world has come to? I see it as someone asking me of my identity; and being scrapped off one’s identity is one of the worst pains one goes through.

One of the fundamental needs of a human being on this planet is to have a sense of belonging to a community, to a family, to a practice, to a faith.

As of lately, I have been deeply disappointed at work. I have been hurt to see the unfairness that I knew exists and have seen in the past but to experience it again, regardless of the effort was hurting. I am short of words to explain the anger I feel but I see this as a learning curve. It is my belief that I will travel quite a distance on this road and of course, I won’t meet everyone I like so I should learn to work with a number of individuals. I can’t say anymore here so …

I feel there is this rebellious side of me, which is definitely dangerous for myself considering the way the world, operates! One other side of the argument is one has to leave a mark at the end of the day, right? I feel my philosophy is quite simple – say what you feel, be authentic and stay to the true north. I cannot understand why that is hard for others? The best person you can be at any point in time is yourself yet many of us spend our lives trying to be someone else. Why?!

I have so much to say but I want to conclude this much needed article with a quote by His Highness the Aga Khan III:

“In life, one has to be able to laugh; and even if we are looking at some difficult times ahead, we should look at those times with hope, unity and faith’

Champ!

Scattered Words...

"Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime"

I feel it is important that I scribble down something this evening because it has been long due since I last spoke my heart out and probably all of us know, the weight of feelings is the greatest barrier in life!

I was reading my last entry and I re-call how difficult a time of life that was. I was coping with the loss of my Dad (I still am), feeling scared and doubtful of the quality of work that I was producing, taking care of mother; indeed, it was a tough period but then I realize I wrote:

“What is ironic is every time I hit a low, I think to myself wow this one is a tough one and will I make it? – Next thing I know is months have passed and I am writing about how I fought the situation and I know a thing or two about struggling and never giving up.”

See, right now, in this piece, aren’t I doing exactly what I said I end up doing? He who is above all else is so Merciful, we will never know and understand.

I started this piece with a quote from my new ‘email friend’. I told her that I would mention her somewhere and life just made it happen. I am certain at least one person reads my blogs and that is her. I just want to thank her for reaching out to me to extend a hand of “friendship”. It is not easy to do so because majority of the times, ignorance and rejection is all we are replied back with.

The title of this piece says it all for me; far too many emotions regarding so many different aspects and I do not know how to portray them so I will just jolt down the top three; no wait; four! Top 4 things on my mind right now…

Unity Games; an event that is so dear to my heart and this year it took place in my favorite city of Mombasa. It was a dagger to not attend – financially it wasn’t the wisest of decisions. Sometimes when you have few drops of water left, it is better to spare now and walk a few steps further ahead in search of the river than to drink now and expect the Creator to come to the rescue, or worse, die on the horizon. I chose to spare the water and live another day.
I looked at the photos and said ‘another time Rahim, another time’

Work; it has been a rather tough weekend, not for the amount of work that I had but for the different emotions at work. I feel I am correct with the path that I chose though it might have hurt some people’s expectations but why do people expect from me? I am stubborn like the wind and sail my way, so why hurt yourself by expecting from me? I am convinced that I will not change this nature and I know it will cost me love, of someone or of people, but then again, life is a one-time road and living for people is an art but one should also consider oneself. The truth is though I have plenty on my plate right now and I am looking at several things when making decisions; above all is Mother!

June 1^st; I am about 6.2 weeks away from setting off on a 14-day trip; to the United Kingdom and Turkey. I couldn’t be more grateful and excited for this. I am someone who hates routine and to be in one place; I want to keep moving around and travel as much as I can; it is like my oxygen. I have an exam to give on June 5^th in Edinburgh, watch my first live cricket match at Edgbaston, the London eye, Gallipoli in Turkey and the reciting at the Ismaili Centre; just a few things on my list.
There is only 1 regret of my UK trip, yes I would say sadly a regret; I won’t get to meet my friend who was one of my primary reasons of choosing the UK. She is heading to Canada for a trip. I am so happy for her and I pray she enjoys to the fullest but for me, it is a missed opportunity – well, I wonder, hasn’t my life become used to those?!

Lastly, someone! So I want to get to know someone and I am unable to find a middle ground and as an introvert, I don’t know how to reach out. This is something on my mind for sure as of lately and I am hoping that He will create a path. I know, sounds too much of hope and less action BUT I know He will if it is meant to be. My habit of reading people builds curiosity and sometimes I really want to know more than what my eyes and instinct have captured; that is where it becomes an issue. Khair, life will find a way!

So, I want to sign off this piece with three lines from a song I heard this morning:

“Toote dil kay tukde lekar,

Tere dar par hi rehjaunga,

Main phir bhi tumko hi chahunga”

which translates to:

“With broken pieces of my heart,

I will remain outside your doorstep,

And I will still love you”

Peace,

Champ!