Scattered Words...

"Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime"

I feel it is important that I scribble down something this evening because it has been long due since I last spoke my heart out and probably all of us know, the weight of feelings is the greatest barrier in life!

I was reading my last entry and I re-call how difficult a time of life that was. I was coping with the loss of my Dad (I still am), feeling scared and doubtful of the quality of work that I was producing, taking care of mother; indeed, it was a tough period but then I realize I wrote:

“What is ironic is every time I hit a low, I think to myself wow this one is a tough one and will I make it? – Next thing I know is months have passed and I am writing about how I fought the situation and I know a thing or two about struggling and never giving up.”

See, right now, in this piece, aren’t I doing exactly what I said I end up doing? He who is above all else is so Merciful, we will never know and understand.

I started this piece with a quote from my new ‘email friend’. I told her that I would mention her somewhere and life just made it happen. I am certain at least one person reads my blogs and that is her. I just want to thank her for reaching out to me to extend a hand of “friendship”. It is not easy to do so because majority of the times, ignorance and rejection is all we are replied back with.

The title of this piece says it all for me; far too many emotions regarding so many different aspects and I do not know how to portray them so I will just jolt down the top three; no wait; four! Top 4 things on my mind right now…

Unity Games; an event that is so dear to my heart and this year it took place in my favorite city of Mombasa. It was a dagger to not attend – financially it wasn’t the wisest of decisions. Sometimes when you have few drops of water left, it is better to spare now and walk a few steps further ahead in search of the river than to drink now and expect the Creator to come to the rescue, or worse, die on the horizon. I chose to spare the water and live another day.
I looked at the photos and said ‘another time Rahim, another time’

Work; it has been a rather tough weekend, not for the amount of work that I had but for the different emotions at work. I feel I am correct with the path that I chose though it might have hurt some people’s expectations but why do people expect from me? I am stubborn like the wind and sail my way, so why hurt yourself by expecting from me? I am convinced that I will not change this nature and I know it will cost me love, of someone or of people, but then again, life is a one-time road and living for people is an art but one should also consider oneself. The truth is though I have plenty on my plate right now and I am looking at several things when making decisions; above all is Mother!

June 1^st; I am about 6.2 weeks away from setting off on a 14-day trip; to the United Kingdom and Turkey. I couldn’t be more grateful and excited for this. I am someone who hates routine and to be in one place; I want to keep moving around and travel as much as I can; it is like my oxygen. I have an exam to give on June 5^th in Edinburgh, watch my first live cricket match at Edgbaston, the London eye, Gallipoli in Turkey and the reciting at the Ismaili Centre; just a few things on my list.
There is only 1 regret of my UK trip, yes I would say sadly a regret; I won’t get to meet my friend who was one of my primary reasons of choosing the UK. She is heading to Canada for a trip. I am so happy for her and I pray she enjoys to the fullest but for me, it is a missed opportunity – well, I wonder, hasn’t my life become used to those?!

Lastly, someone! So I want to get to know someone and I am unable to find a middle ground and as an introvert, I don’t know how to reach out. This is something on my mind for sure as of lately and I am hoping that He will create a path. I know, sounds too much of hope and less action BUT I know He will if it is meant to be. My habit of reading people builds curiosity and sometimes I really want to know more than what my eyes and instinct have captured; that is where it becomes an issue. Khair, life will find a way!

So, I want to sign off this piece with three lines from a song I heard this morning:

“Toote dil kay tukde lekar,

Tere dar par hi rehjaunga,

Main phir bhi tumko hi chahunga”

which translates to:

“With broken pieces of my heart,

I will remain outside your doorstep,

And I will still love you”

Peace,

Champ!

A float barely but not drowning!

The road of life is one that begins with darkness; in the womb and of course ends in darkness; the grave. I think I read this in a Robin Sharma book “when you came in the world, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice”.

There is a wedding in the family and yesterday in the first event of the program, they sang a song in remembrance of dad; I am certain he rejoiced while I definitely cried!

Life is never a flat ground; ups and lows are a part of life where we must suffer and burn to shine as well as enjoy the marvels for the time they last. I am a low right now; work being the central cause of stress, an MBA that I have to finish because Dad wanted me to and so does Mom, loneliness that has been my companion for ages, taking responsibility for the home after dad and managing finances; something I wasn’t good at and probably still aren’t, giving time to myself as well as family, etc. I am literally overwhelmed and swamped but I have faith that He who is above all else will lift me up high, if not fly but I won’t have to walk the battle alone. I have faith that He shall be with and by me all the time. 

My life has been challenging, like a lot of people but that is what life is meant to be, isn’t it? I have not drowned and that is one thing that I am so dearly grateful for. What is ironic is every time I hit a low, I think to myself wow this one is a tough one and will I make it? – next thing I know is months have passed and I am writing about how I fought the situation and I know a thing or two about struggling and never giving up. The same is today that I do not know when and how I will get past through this or what life holds for me for tomorrow but I am going to hope that it is for the better and that I will survive i.t me He give strength.

I am glad to have written something down today; I feel I needed to do so. I wrote because it isn’t the pleasant of times of life.

I want to conclude this article with a and image and the caption I used on my page yesterday that I snapped in Dubai.

Peace,

Champ!

The heart of a traveller!

I am currently on the road; or in the air, whatever suits the English language better and in about 10 day’s time, this will all be over. Much as this is purely a work related travel, I am very enthusiastic and excited about this phenomenon. I am in fact sad that it is about to end because my heart feels life when it travels, as if it were born to do just that. Today, I wish to write about this and in fact just as I have began this article, I am seated on top of my bag at an airport waiting for a colleague before we depart to the hotel…

I am composing this second paragraph from the airport again but this time I am at a restaurant waiting to receive someone – literally 24 hours have gone…I just did not manage to sit and finish the article yesterday!

I thoroughly enjoy travelling but when the road is ending, it is one of the most painful things for me; I guess it is human nature that we do not look forward to a new road but try and hold on to the existing. As each day passes, every moment that is gone, I realize I’m closer to the end of this trip. Considering how busy it will be commencing tomorrow, time is not going to be an ally; it never is actually; or it is if we make it our ally. Regardless, in the end, all time does is leave with us memories of things we can’t have, people we can’t meet or see again, places we can visit but never have the same feelings twice, and so much more that words will not touch. Time can never be our ally, it wasn’t meant to be one. He who is above all else has made time in such a manner that it teaches us to value the present moment, the people we have a chance to spend time with, because believe it or not, it takes a moment to change one’s life – take it from someone who knows the depth of that statement!

As I continue composing this article, I want to mention that I am currently at the Mara, nighttime, completely dark, a soothing cold breeze across and the silence as the soul craves.

This is my 4^th Safari Masha’Allah and I tell you this that the one constant feeling across is; I don’t want to return. It’s not about how good this lodge is or whatever but the sheer power of nature drives me towards it.

 

And this paragraph of this special article is being written at my favourite restaurant in Uganda, Café Javas. I want to say that I am a day away from returning back to Karachi and how painful is it to bid goodbye. On this trip, I have been to Tanzania twice, Kenya thrice, Uganda twice and even landed in Kigali briefly yesterday. It has by far been one of the most special trips because I have had the chance of working with a group of exceptionally dedicated individuals, learnt and interacted with outstanding achievers, laughed at some seriously intellectual humor, watched the King of the Jungle right up close in the safari, flew in a 19 and 12 seater aircraft, sat and took a photo as a pilot and much more. I ask myself, what reason do I have to complain to Him? After dad went, I think this kind of an experience was much needed and He gave it; I am so grateful. Shukar!

I conclude by saying I hit the road on 20^th July and this journey ends on 07^th August; that is like what; 17 days may be!! And I truly look forward to many more such trips… Ameen!

Peace!

Champ! 

My Dad!!

18^th June 2016…a date that changed my life forever. Within a span of a minute, literally a minute my life went in to a direction where it can never be the same again. My favorite poet, Ahmed Faraz once wrote; kuch aise hadsay bhi hojate hai zindagi main Faraz, insaan bach toh jata hai mager zinda nahin rehta which means there are certain events in one’s life that one survives but doesn’t remain alive anymore. It has been 4 weeks to the day when he left me; my dad; but I think of him every single day and much as people say give it time, I will say time can’t take away memories. Time in fact doesn’t heal wounds, just teaches us how to live with them. Aren’t memories meant to remind us of the people who have left us whether intentionally or because it was the end of their journey on this planet? Reflecting on my life, He began preparing me for this since February 2010! Anyways, today, this article, I just want to write it for my dad…

It is funny that when he was alive, I wouldn’t think of him as much despite being in another country because somehow I knew he is there but now that he is gone a world apart, my heart weeps and craves for his company. I still go back to my last conversation with him, and to the funeral, and my eyes give in. I can still hear his voice, re-call his words to me, all the words of guidance, the expressions of his love for me; I miss every ounce of it. He used to tell me always that ‘one shouldn’t attempt to drink the ocean’s water in a single day’ when I used to attempt to eat all the chocolates in one day. Back then, I hated it and would think why is he being so tough? Today, I wish I could hear him say it to me. I find immense wisdom in his words today and I will always remember them till the moment I take my last breath.

I still can’t believe it to be honest. I feel like this is just a dream and I will wake up and find him close by. I guess indeed I will find him close by but that is when I leave too. My dad was someone who I have picked a lot of ethics and habits from. I firmly believe in loyalty, honesty and just being that I am without any pretending. The other person who I know of; knew of with these qualities was him. He would never pretend or hide who he was. The more I think of him, the more I miss and the more I lose myself. In fact, I have lost a huge part of myself when I lost him. The world seems to have lost color somewhere for me. I don’t think I can write anymore and I haven’t done justice to my feelings either with this article because the depth of my tears couldn’t match this but I just want to end by telling everyone that if you have your parents, learn to respect, love and appreciate them. I honestly have no regrets because even the last time I spoke to him, I told him that I love him but you may not get that chance. Life is indeed very unpredictable and shorter than the gap between two of our heartbeats so do not waste time. The only time we are guaranteed of is the current breath and certainly not the next. And yes, Dad, I love you and I just miss you so much!

“Jabse lagi hai chot dil ki gehrayion main,

Muskurate maine khud ko tasveeron main bhi nahin dekha”

[Ever since I have been hurt deeply in my heart, I haven’t seen myself smile even in photos]

 PS: I know translations take away all the depth of the script but I gotta do it anyways. I don't know if people even read my blog but assuming someone does, a universal language it is!

Peace!

Champ!

Working at a hospital!

“Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some” – Charles Dickens

Today, I was buying coffee at the shop I everyday do before heading to the library and one of the security guards walked in and asked for biscuit. The biscuit was 17 rupees and he thought for a minute before buying it where as my coffee was 110 rupees and I don’t think even for a second before spending that amount. Now it is quite true that my pay must be like at least three times his but that one moment impacted me! I was telling my cousin today that working in a hospital can really make you realize just how blessed you are. Even when you are a non-medical staff member like myself, you get to see people who are in so much pain and problems that it should make you reflect; at least it does to me that ‘how lucky am I’. You can lack money, material possessions, a loved one, friends etc. but you have your eyes hence sight, you can move around with your legs, lift things with hands, etc.; these my friend are blessings, and like all humans do, we never value something till we have it. Today I saw someone being taken on a stretcher and he looked very serious and my heart just sank like it did the other day when I saw someone’s head stitched and he was being transferred. I am just grateful!!

I see folks from all walks of life at the hospital with their stories in their eyes but one thing is so common – there is a solid shield or at least an attempt at having a solid shield to hide the truth. What is interesting is you can take a walk around the hospital thinking about all your issues but the moment the heart starts to reflect on the problems the people there are facing, yours seem nothing. As I said, if a hospital can’t bring humility in you, then I don’t know what place is good enough to do so!

The other purpose of writing this article was to mention a little about my time here in Karachi and how my day looks like. Karachi is very hot at the moment to be honest. The humidity is a killer!! I never felt like this in Dar too – this actually reminds me of my 3 days in Dubai in July 2014 when I was returning from Mauritius post my graduation. KILLER!
I am adapting to the change of city at the moment like I have always done. It has been a month and a half already and I am yet to actually photograph it but every now and then I manage to pull out my camera. The sunset on campus is absolutely mesmerizing. If you ask me, Karachi has one of the best sunsets I have witnessed. Like every day, I fall in love with it all over again! I find people in this city assume they have all the time in the world which is quite frustrating. Shops open so late and that’s just argh like are you kidding me?! You might think I do not like Karachi as I am critical of it but I love it here only that I can’t shy away from the truth. The amount of diversity I see here in Karachi is so much that wow! It is a brilliant city to live in to be honest, of course you must have a good sustainable financial source.

My days are packed to be honest. I feel I have packed them that way. I work till 6:30 or so in the evening and then go for badminton and table tennis till 9pm and then study for my MBA for a couple of hours. I like to keep myself busy because then I do not find time to think about my so-called issues or so. I of course spend half an hour with myself every single day from 11 to 11:30pm. How long can I keep up this tough schedule – I do not know but let us see!

Lastly, what is it that is lacking and I want…an apartment, a car and yes, a girlfriend. Isn’t it amazing when you know what you want? :p on this note, this article comes to an end.. I feel quite happy to have written in a different style today and not been so serious as I always tend to be when I am writing.

Peace!

Champ!