The ones who left..

"I fantasize about rejecting the apologies that I know will never come"

Another friend of mine very recently, in fact she was one of my most cherished friends decided to break the friendship all of a sudden without any concrete reason; but oh well I do not think any reason would be sufficient enough as well. Surprisingly, I have taken it pretty well. It struck me badly that morning when I read her Whats-app message and I could not focus but then I shared it with my most truest buddy and then it seemed a bit okay. I guess, sharing our screams out is the best way to silence the pain. 

I really have no clue today as to what I want to write but the reason I am writing is to let go off the burdens on my heart. I am honestly tired of seeing people leave after giving them so much. I am the kind of people who believe in loving with all our heart, giving so much value to a relationship, maintaining trust but then it just frustrates me to see people leave just like that. Although this time, the one thing that is positive about it is I think I have finally learnt to live with it and that is why it did not hit me as hard as it could have a couple of years back. I have learnt to accept people who want me to be part of them and appreciate having someone like me who they can trust. I have learnt this the hard way in life by loving someone too deeply or trusting the wrong people so for me, this is one lesson that shall not leave me.

So as I mentioned earlier, I really do not know what I have written but I wish to say this; we all make decisions with consequences for ourselves whether these are financial, family based, relationship based or career ones. The people we decide to abandon may really be those who are sent by Him to show us light and so we must choose wisely. There is pain in loving but a deeper pain in not loving but the choice is always ours. I have seen many people complain of not having love but that is because they imprison themselves yet He has given them everything. Remember, light or darkness is got by our choice and not by Him.

Finally, I want to tell that one friend who decided to bid good bye that no grudges buddy because I keep none though the pain caused is deep and silent...

Peace!

Champ!

Be mine!!

So I wasn't intending of publishing this poem but someone, I must add quite a special someone asked me to do so. She said it was very beautiful and deserved to be read by people. I am humbled by her opinion. 

Upon returning from Dubai, 38,000 feet above sea level, floating over clouds, here are the words my heart whispered:

You know I love it; I love it to bits in fact,

When you just let your guard down; a bit,

When you forget the walls you have built around your heart,

The walls that seem so high to climb for anyone,

When you forget your fear of getting hurt,

And you do and say what your heart wants,

You know I love it…

I love it when I talk to the girl who believes in dreams,

The girl who wants to fall in love; the love in fairy tales,

The girl who has her innocence written all over her face,

But it is sad that I have only met her a couple of times may be,

Because she is trapped and imprisoned within a cage,

A cage within yourself so deep that no one can reach…

You know what I think when I think of that girl within you,

I think of someone who I can share myself with,

Someone capable to rescue me from my depths of solitude,

Like I can rescue her from her depths of unfulfilled desires,

And I don’t mean share my body with her because that is the easier part,

I mean share my soul and body,

Which sounds ‘bookish’ but trust me; its reality…

I am not saying I love you because we haven’t reached there, yet,

But I have a feeling if we wanted to, if you wanted do, we can do this,

You and I together could walk past our daily sorrows of life, because,

As someone said, loving someone gives your strength while being loved by someone gives you courage,

I do not know why I have written this poem or why I am saying this,

Because I know we are very far from all this and I am not your type,

Nor am I capable to be with you, but I just felt like writing,

You should know you’re not the closest girl to me yet the only one I wanted to say this to…

You know I love flying, it gives me peace when I am above the clouds, and far from the world,

And it is easy for me to write what I feel when I am at peace with my heart,

I know you could get a better guy than me and I know you might disagree but this is the truth,

But still just know…I could be the star that lightens up your path,

I know too many expectations I am giving so I will just conclude with a quote I love,

If we get together, I am not saying you won’t have problems, but you won’t face them alone!!!

Champ!

That one moment..

I traveled this past weekend and as I sat alone on my last day having tea at the Aga Khan Academy watching the sun set, I wrote this poem:

It is that time of the day I love to capture,

But birds seem afraid of what’s to come,

I guess everyone hates darkness,

Then why don’t we fight for light?

Why do we give up the struggle so easily?

Anyways, behind the lens I have the power to hold a moment,

A moment that I can beg for but time will not return it,

But then again I ask myself, do I really have that power?

Does anyone have such a power?

Because a photo is not a moment but a memory of one,

And the greater the photo; the deeper the grief for the moment,

So today I really just want to pour my feelings on paper,

I don’t have anything specific to write about but share myself,

Share the pain of having an empty space besides me as I take my tea,

A space that I want the Almighty to fill up with someone but He doesn’t,

I want to tell you that regardless of how strong I am, pain gets to me too,

And it is such a moment I am feeling right now that I hate a lot,

A moment when it clicks you that you’re alone; how does the moon do it every night?

A moment when you don’t understand what your purpose here is,

A moment when you’re freedom hits you like a dagger in the heart,

Such a moment is really more painful than a broken heart,

Because at least when someone leaves you, you have certainty of them leaving,

But here it is all doubt and blurriness with absolutely no sign of rescue,

Amidst all this, I see a ray of hope; someone’s smile,

Someone I don’t know but would absolutely love to know,

So on this positive note, I can say that this moment will also fade,

Like all the painful moments I have been through; this too shall fade!!

Cheers!

Peace!

Champ!

Music fills the gaps

“Music fills in the gaps that you left behind”

I pondered upon this thought just as I was about to write this article. I was reading some quotes on love and relationships and a few of them were very touching and so I stumbled upon the loneliness that I often manage to hide from the world and mostly from myself. Whenever though I touch that feeling it is very painful. You tend to reflect on life and what your purpose is, what you’re doing here, who is made for you, why you haven’t had someone who just loves you with all their heart yet you have been that someone for someone; and the absence of some of the answers to such questions devastates me. I read a quote on the notice board of my high school ‘don’t be too serious about life; no one gets out alive anyways’. I just wasn’t made for this quote. I take life seriously and I love reflecting upon issues that are otherwise not seen. That’s me yes!!

So, um finally, I have been granted my major wish/prayer; move out of Uganda. I finally have a job that takes me out of here, but am I happy? Of course I am because this is what I wanted but again I ask, am I happy? One of the saddest things for me is to see my mother weep; it’s intolerable. She is very happy for me and the opportunity that I have but a mother’s heart cannot bear that her only son is going away even though it is only a flights distance…yes, I have sort of began measuring distance in terms of flights because I am going to travel the entire world according to my mother and I will like to believe that. So yeah, just a flight away but too far indeed. My dad is one of the strongest characters I have met in my life but the last time I went far, he too shed tears on departure; a moment quite close to my heart. I will definitely miss them and there is no doubt about that but this step is necessary because life is quite practical unlike a lot of people today. I keep repeating this quote but it is so true and close to me: “…and there are people we can’t live without but must learn to let go.”

So I have written all this but what I really had thought was how music fills in the gaps in my life. Just as a song brings back memories, some take my mind away from darkness into light or in simple terms, distract me away from my memories.

I end with a quote that left me pondering, wondering and in thoughts:

"The person who cares least in the relationship has the most control."

Cheers!

Peace!

Champ!

Don't let go...just move on!!

‘Strangers’, that’s how we all begin a journey with someone isn’t it? Somehow perhaps a certain hi or hello, a smile, a ‘like’ or a ‘follow’ considering today’s social media power sparks and breaks off the ice and a conversation begins. Personally, this initial stage is the hardest for me because I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember but once this is done and I begin to talk to someone, they learn that I am really a very talkative guy :p! Anyways, the fact that betrayals and lies are too much in supply and almost everyone is roaming with a mask around, the initial conversation really gives a glimpse of how strong this friendship might become because a majority of us are judging and trying to figure out who this person really is. Who is he/she? Can he/she be trusted? Leave trust, are they worth my time is the question we ask ourselves! And so the answers to those questions really then decide whether the friendship takes a step forward or becomes stagnant which in reality means, death! I believe a lot of people lose a potential genuine friend by making a misjudgment at this initial phase. Like a plant needs time to give you a flower, some people need time to really show you who they are; although this statement also goes for the ‘damaging’ ones!!

“We all begin as strangers but we also really get to decide who ends up as a stranger”, one of my favorite quotes. True isn’t it? We really decide who ends up a stranger as well. There are people we used to talk to daily as if the day wouldn’t pass without a talk with them or share every single feeling with but now they mean nothing; and I really mean nothing. We see them on social media as a mutual friend or around us if we are in the same country but we can’t bother to give them any attention whatsoever because of the pain they caused us. In all reality, we hate this individual but we never use that word of course because to hate someone is bad, ethically and also in the eyes of people and we of course want to look good so we don’t hate this person but we just don’t want them around; we just put it so nicely! Trust is everything but once broken, a sorry means nothing!! I also have a couple of strangers like this, one very recently and truly, “I don’t hate this person but…”

The last thing and probably the main thing I want to write about is when do we know it’s time to let someone go? And what is someone letting go mean anyways? Is it forgetting them because that is nearly impossible especially if you loved them, so how do you let go? I somewhat don’t believe in letting go but I believe in moving on. Someone will say but they are the same but are they? I have someone who scarred me like no one else did and ‘I let go’ and realized, I actually let my soul go and I lost more than I could bare. Very recently, we began talking again and I feel at peace. There are people that are ‘once in a lifetime people’ and losing them is the hardest thing one can face; she is that person to me. I don’t think anyone will understand her like I do or anyone will understand me like she does. The hope of finding someone who will love me for who I am is alive despite the darkness that ray of hope has seen thus far. I have moved on in the sense that I know me and her can’t be ‘that’ again and I have a life to live with countless opportunities which is what I am doing every single day of my life. Yes my thoughts and my beliefs have changed because of the pain and solitude, my look on life changed but there is nothing wrong in that! I do what I love like writing my blog without the fear of being judged, taking photos which is my greatest passion right now after flying/travelling and of course talking to and making new friends that I wouldn’t have done in the past; so yes, life is for us to live or for us to reject. 

Back to my question, when do I know it’s time to move on and for me the answer is very simple...when I begin compromising my happiness! Many a times, we are too blind to see that someone who can be our greatest admirer or companion is right in front of us but we are busy chasing illusions. As they say, people spend their life chasing stones when the diamond was begging to be theirs! 

"Life is a one-way lane..remember that everyday"

I end with one of my most favorite and heart wrenching lines from the book ‘The Half Girlfriend’:

‘I have a fear that I will never be able to get over someone I loved deeply’

Cheers!

Peace!

Champ!

The Unity Games

It has become a ritual that almost every Easter, the Ismaili community in Eastern and Southern Africa gather and take part in the Unity games. Prior to this, I had the privilege of attending two games, both in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. This was the first time I was going to Mwanza and that too by road. Both previous times, we flew and so the journey wasn’t as hectic as this one looked to be. We knew that it was a 14-hour trip consisting of the first and major lag by road and a small portion by ferry. We left Kampala at 6 am although the time given was 4 am; a typical example of what we call ‘Khoja timing’; a concept I totally detest and do not believe in whatsoever! You know when you fly, you don’t feel the transition of one country to another but driving from Uganda to Tanzania, I had a unique feel as if my soul is being dissolved from one existence to another. It was a feeling I will never forget upon crossing the border. We were divided in two buses and of course I chose the quiet one which allowed me to read, listen to music, sleep and move around the bus. One of the things I loved was to put my face outside the window and feel the incoming wind although I was scared that my specs will fly away. Trust me, the scenery and views of the Kampala-Mwanza road are spectacular. If I was driving by myself in my car, I would have stopped at several spots and that would make the 14-hour journey probably an 18-hour one, LOL! We reached Mwanza at night at 8:00 pm; and oh at the end of the journey, we even drove without a head light; LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!! We went to the mosque in Mwanza then our hotel, quickly got ready and headed back for dinner and garba (a form of dance absolutely adored and loved). It rained but that never stopped anyone from dancing; after all, everyone was gathered to have fun!

 

The next morning was the opening ceremony and I loved it especially the unity games official song. After the ceremony everyone was served with breakfast and then the games began. I had registered in badminton and table tennis. Initially both were at different locations but thank God that they shifted table tennis to the mosque where badminton was hence decreasing my travel around but it affected us who were organizing badminton as table tennis occupied one of the only two courts we had; as they say, everything has a benefit and a drawback. I won’t go into every detail about the games but here is how I can describe the next two days…we used to sleep around 2 am and wake up at about 7:30 or 8 and reach for the games by 9 am. I was personally helping with badminton and therefore there was more pressure of both running the games and playing. This went on from Friday to Sunday evening till the closing ceremony. During the course of this, I witnessed rounders, swimming, table tennis, badminton, throw ball and cricket. As I was helping organize badminton, I couldn’t witness much of the games, take photos and have a more proper album on my Facebook page; this will be one of my regrets for these games.

What I want to write here about is how I lost a match which would ensure me to play in the semi-finals of the singles open. I lost it in anger and rage for someone who had tremendously bothered me during the organization of the games. When I began playing badminton, I used to play an amateur game (obviously) with a lot of power. I used to hit the shuttles hard and smash everything. Over the years, I learnt how to calm myself down and play a sensible game. I can describe myself best here using a quote: ‘somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a guy who fell in love with the game and never looked back... play for him’. Today as I look back at that match, I realize I just did not play for that guy and I am also surprised because I never knew I still had the ability of having that much anger. I thought I had silenced that Rahim way back but clearly I did not so yes that loss to me left many lessons and a scar deep down me. I will never forget that loss and neither will I forget the people who hurt me. I am not in the business of holding grudges and so I threw them out of my life and moved past it but the lessons will help me in the future; and I will make sure of this.

Lastly, I am grateful and humbled by these games for two things mainly; my album and the friendships I took back with me. I have always been an introvert and making friends within a span of 2 or 3 days hasn’t been easy at all but I am glad this time I did make friends. I also received a massive reception and appreciation on my page because of my photos and for that, I say Shukar! #gratitude. It was a successful event and will remain special for all the good things and the lesson I learnt as well. 

For more photos: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.743223205794630.1073741859.468399296610357&type=1

Peace!

Cheers!

Champ!

A heart scattered on paper!

I have always looked to my pen whenever the emotions and feelings in my heart start to overflow. My most genuine friend lives miles abroad and fairly it doesn’t make a difference to our friendship but it would be nice to have him around here and just sit and talk to him rather than viber or whatsapp. None the less, I am fortunate that I have a journal and a blog to write upon whenever I feel burdened.

I have plenty of things on my mind right now but more so is anger. I feel someone I trusted a lot betrayed me. William Shakespeare said ‘trust not him that hath broken faith once’. I too will never trust some people anymore even though my heart wants to trust one of them. The truth is, almost everyone does betray us in one way or another but there are those who leave us with excruciating pain, usually the closest of them. The ethic that I follow most is honesty and I cannot bear lies. Neither do not prefer it nor do I accept it. When I look and think back, I see some strangers who were my closest at one point in time. I have deep grief for one of them and I wish we could re-start whereas anger towards another because I simply wish to erase them.

The second point I want to mention today is related to the first one; and it is that the anger is also directed towards my Creator. He who is above all else knows my desires and wishes so why can’t He allow me the change that I want in my life? My mother was explaining to me the other day why I am unable to get something abroad but for me, those are human excuses and I do not see them as a problem for the Almighty because He is the Creator and nothing is impossible for Him. I have prayed and prayed for this one thing that will open the gates of happiness for me but it hasn’t happened and I am certain that His plans are way better than my wishes but that doesn’t bring much relief. Yes I am patient and waiting but I lose it at times because I am human. At times you look at life and compare your desires to the ethics of your faith and they are aligned so well that you actually question ‘why you aren’t getting them?’

A last point is about the change that I want in my life. I want to move as far as possible from this city. I want to forget some of the people here and start a life with freedom and in dependency. I want to have a job, a car, a house and a life with my choices and decisions. I want to travel the world with whatever money I make. I also want to cater for my parents. To be honest, I am nothing like what I thought I would be some years down the line. It’s funny how people and the pain they cause us makes us change into something we never thought we could be. The more I think about this, I turn to my Lord and wish all I could do was pray.

I would like to end with a quote from one of my favorite books, ‘The Winner Stands Alone’ by Paulo Coelho. It is more so a dialogue from one of the characters;

‘…and yet he received nothing in return, not even understanding.’

Cheers!

Peace!

Champ!

I hate good byes!!

“Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation” – Khalil Gibran

I have wanted to write an article for a long time now but every time I sat down to write, I lost the flow after a few lines and so I just stopped. A few days back, someone who seems now a stranger but was once… said to me: “you’re still the same person inside. I guess I was wrong”. I kept wondering how she ever imagined I would change the way I am for her. In fact, if there change has happened on someone’s part, it has been on her part. I feel she abandoned our friendship for whatever reason and moved on. Yes I have changed too; both internally and externally and I am truly happy about the changes in me because they have come at a cost of struggle, pain and bitter lessons. I wouldn’t do anything to take me back to that time except for one single reason; my friendship with her.

Yesterday I was listening to a song as I was reflecting on the feeling I have even today and this is what I want to write about today… ‘I hate goodbyes; especially those I have to say to strangers!’ It may seem completely insane that a good bye to a stranger hurts but it truly does because it is full of regret. You know how we can be the best of friends with someone and they have to leave and yes it hurts a lot but there are very few regrets, if any. Mainly, it is a good bye said along many memories, however, when a stranger who you have known for a couple of days or a few meetings, there are so many regrets and therefore that good bye hurts as hell. Distance is one of the most painful aspects of one’s life. I can’t express the magnitude of how much I hate the feeling of saying good bye to someone I totally want to build a friendship with, know more about, express myself and allow them the ability to express themselves; you know just deepen a bond.

It is like you meet someone and from the moment you saw them, you knew you have to get to know this person and then life breaks the dream by making that person walk back on the path that she was meant to take which seems absolutely normal except the fact that, it has left a gap in your soul. It would sound too cheesy if I add what Paulo Coelho says in one of his novels; ‘everyone meets their soul mate’. I couldn’t agree more with him.

To be honest, I have expressed two of my greatest feelings right now in the simplest of ways I could. I totally hate the feeling of saying good bye especially to a stranger and it is very sad when I meet someone and we connect in ways that I haven’t with someone I know for a long time and then they leave and distance becomes a factor beyond control…I hate it! I end with a quote I read yesterday:

‘We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours’ – Haris Lithos 

Peace!

Champ!

We were meant to be!!

I just felt like writing this poem this afternoon, so here it is:

You know we were meant to be,

Right from the moment we first spoke,

The similarities we shared and treasured in each other,

The differences we ignored and weren’t bothered about,

The happiness we found in each other’s words,

In the simplest of things; like a good morning sms,

It all seemed out of this world, didn’t it?

I am happy for you that you found love again,

Just know that I couldn’t; just couldn’t love anyone else,

Because my angel, you know what,

We were just meant to be…

Remember Faraz, the poet we share together,

He once wrote: my fingers wonder till today,

How could she ever hold another hand?

You know love, that is what I am thinking today too,

But o well I don’t blame you for loving someone else,

It’s just that…it hurts; that’s all my love,

It hurts to see you in someone else’s arms,

I hope that person knows how lucky they are to have you,

I hope he loves you as much as I did;

Or perhaps, just perhaps, more than I did,

But you know even after all this time, my heart whispers,

We were just meant to be…

You know I would have loved you till end of time,

If I can love you when we were not together,

Imagine if we were,

You made me believe in fairy tales,

It devastates me to say this but it is true,

That you’re the one who took away my belief in happy endings,

I just don’t understand why you did it,

I don’t know was I not worth it or you were blind,

You know Faraz also said: there is someone I know,

Who is my universe and I am not even one of her moments…

You know the nick I loved most of all the nicknames you gave me,

It is the name of my laptop, and you are its password,

Don’t be surprised to learn that I still have the song you dedicated to me,

Although I no longer listen to it, I don’t have the courage,

You know it tears the edges of the scars you left on my heart,

The song acts like a dagger that pierces right through the walls of protection,

Despite all this, I wish you the best O love,

I promised to hold your hand forever, but I can’t do that anymore,

So I am saying goodbye to you today,

But before I go, I wanted to tell you what I felt then and today,

That we were meant to be…

And just as I expressed my love through a poem to you when I fell for you,

I am doing the same today when I am finally letting you go,

My prayers are with you, forever, and ever,

And you must know that I am around if you ever need me,

And regardless of all that happened, I pray from the core of my heart,

‘Core’ of my heart; remember you loved this statement every time I said it,

So yeah I pray that I fall for you again in the next lifetime,

Of course, I want a different outcome then,

I want to leave you with Faraz: my love has learnt the importance of time,

I miss her very less these days, only once after every breath…

 Peace!

Champ!

Happy B’day Champ!!

Last year, I wrote an article on my birthday with a similar photo…a road! I keep repeating that life is a journey and we must travel it ethically with dignity. I remind this to myself a lot of times but especially on my birth days, I believe this reminder comes from the Greatest power. My soul, my heart in a whispering manner screams to me something I can’t understand as yet but I am sure one day I will. I really don’t know how many people have this feeling but I do; very strongly! It is like someone is speaking from within me telling me something and I try to listen but just cannot. Why?!

Most of my birthdays; in fact a greater majority of them have been spent in a very simple manner. I have my, um you can call them rituals that I perform such as waking up for mosque and beginning the year with a prayer. The day goes by very calm with wishes coming in from my friends and then the evening prayers and a journal entry to sum up the day. Perhaps like last year, I go out with friends for an ice cream or so but that is it. Believe it or not, this has been my birthday for many years now.
When I was in high school, I loved it when my birthday fell on a busy day like a Monday because then a lot of people would wish me which felt good. As a quote I read somewhere said ‘we all love to be loved’. It feels very good when we are loved!

The one thing about birthdays is we get to know a lot about who has that care and love for us in their hearts. Personally, I can’t remember birthdays and so I know how it is not to remember someone’s birthday. As odd as it sounds, I don’t really remember my best friend’s birthday. A friend who means more than any other friend in this world and yet he remembers my birthday and even as far as he is, he is one of the first people to wish me. Truly, there isn’t anyone like him and I don’t think anyone will come as close a friend as he is. So back to the point I was making, birthdays show us who really remember our birthday and stay awake those extra couple of hours to wish us happy birthday or even the least they could do is wish us first thing in the morning. I am a touch disappointed with a few people as I was last year. I think life shows me this every year and asks me not to expect but a heart has to expect especially from those few. This birthday cleared one thing for me and that was that a particular someone has really forgotten me and I will accept that now!

Moving away from disappointments, I would like to mention one very special thing about this birthday today. I launched the first ever official logo of my page “One World Different Views”. I am really glad and happy about this because this is something I wanted to do for a long time now. I also have another launch to make but the poster isn’t ready as yet so I can’t say a word about it but I have planned it and hopefully Insha’Allah I will begin that very soon as well. I also reached 600 likes today on my page.

Finally, a lot of good things coming through and a bit of disappointment and hurt as well but that is life and we must accept it. I end this article with a quote that I would love to say it to someone with all my heart:

“And I don’t want the world to see me,

‘Cause I don’t think they understand,

When everything’s meant to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am!!”

Peace!

Cheers!

Champ!