Love or... (Part 2)

Author's note: This piece is perhaps the 2nd part of a 3 piece series on the theme of unrequited love, choosing to love or let go and the sheer pain of a whipping heart, who is learning to move on...

I was quite clear on the path I had chosen to walk. 
A path of temporary intimacies; sometimes just a night!!
As I strode this path, a message out of the blue changed quite a bit. 

She <DM’d> me! 
That is all it took to disrupt the flow of my life. Was it for good or bad? Tough one to answer, I’d say! 
Her presence in my life all of a sudden made me believe again. 
Believe in happy endings; as if one was even written for me!
Every wall I had ever made, just came down crumbling without me realizing,
The more we spoke, every chord of my heart cuddled with her heartbeats,
But her absence now has made one thing crystal clear,
The path I had initially chosen was the one made and meant for me. 
I am more than determined to stick to this path,
Pain is inevitable but we can surely choose the one we don't want,
Love is the biggest con and illusion in the world,
And it seems I was destined to forever find people I could not be with. 

I am significantly tired; exhausted actually of climbing high walls, 
Only then be asked to join the crowd outside the door. 
I thought I had passed being emotionally involved, 
I actually thought I was safe from the heartaches, 
But for the past couple months have re-awakened every crack within,
Cracks along the scars left by the impossibilities I have met in life,
It seems my heart is filled with darkness and loneliness, 
Even those walking towards me as light, fade the closer they come...
Heartaches are perhaps like the roundabouts of our life,
Love seems to be a straight road until you arrive at the roundabout,
Life presents you with choices and it will be unwise to continue straight,
So, all of this turmoil has only made me strengthen my walls more,

There is no point in chasing shadows, I remind myself every day now, 
So as Miranda Kenneally once said, “When unrequited love is the most expensive thing on the menu, 
sometimes you settle for the daily special”

Unlike bulbs, emotions and feelings don’t have a switch button, 
You can’t love and unlove people at their request. 
If it were true, I'd be madly in love with Deepika or Katrina; I mean I love them anyways :p
So, once you fall down the hole, there is no ladder really to climb back either. 

You can’t "control Z" or backspace to erase what you felt. 
Quite frankly, there is only one way for you to survive;
Walk away for the time being, as far as you can,
Until your heart feels at ease and makes its peace,
Peace with the fact that they weren't yours, to begin with,
That they chose something or someone over you, and it is okay,
They had that right of choice, and so do you; use it wisely, walk away!
Because trust me, she already did, yet you are standing where you were,
Hand-stretched out thinking she will hold it back, but she is long gone... long gone...
And so move on! Someday maybe, you might find it okay to be around her,
Perhaps even laugh and have a conversation without feeling angry, at her!
A conversation just like old times, yet the reality would be anything but old times. 
Remember, she chose to lose what you two had. She walked away, so don't blame yourself for doing the same,
The only thing worse than heartbreak is being someone's second choice,
And you do not deserve that. Remember that...

It won't be easy though! Loneliness will catch up and walk beside you. 
You will be judged for choosing this path but do not care about people,
They did not go through what you did,
They don't know what it is like to look at your phone, which has no notifications with her name on,
This 'rebellious' path you have chosen is full of partners and meaningless intimacies.
Powerful moments I must say, but not what they would have been with her,

You will perfect lines like 'your place or mine' or 'call me maybe?’ 
You will be called names and be seen as weak, but that is okay. 
At the core you know; you chose love wholeheartedly until she did not. 
Every single time you gave love a chance, it slapped you and walked away, 
so, you embarked on a different road and did not invite your heart along. 
I mean you still packed your numb heart which is now like a rock, 
but the only rocks that matter on this road are below your belt,
Your social media will have stories and photos of you, each time at a different place and with a different someone. 
Your friends will think you are the luckiest and will envy you, 
However, not realizing that every night, your pillow is wetter than where your fingers were! That deep down, you are filled with the pain of not being enough for someone. 
But, you will survive! Because in the end, just like love, heartbreaks aren't forever!

Peace!
Champ!

2 months, too late!!

I saw her for the first time today at this hostel,

I mean I have bumped into her before,

But today, I really saw her, you know…

After a long time, I decided to dine outside,

Certainly, one of the best decisions I have made in some time,

I decided to sit at my usual place,

Which just happened to be right across her,

She was with a friend; another factor added to enhance my fear,

You know this tingling introvert fear of saying ‘hello’.

I kept stealing these mini glances every now and then,

As she smiled and laughed, my curiosity grew,

I am a big instinct person you know,

and this afternoon, my instinct, whispered then screamed,

‘get to know this girl, Rahim’, you won’t regret!

As I have done several times in the past,

I walked away without saying anything and with a tiny bit of regret,

In the end, I forget these mini regrets, which could have,

Indeed led, to countless more memories, but let us leave it at that…

As fate would have it, I was talking to a friend of mine when she came,

My friend very kindly introduced me, and I got talking to her,

It must have been under a minute before my friend returned,

God knows I wished for that minute not to end,

My instinct never lies to me and it was right yet again,

There was something about her, which was magnetic,

And it certainly wasn’t physical, although she is very pretty,
I mean I could write way more about how beautiful she is,
but words won't do justice, and I don't want to fall short,

Although we were having this mini conversation,

A separate conversation was playing in mind,

One where I ask her to coffee and to explore the island with me,

One where we swim at deserted beaches and sit under the moon,
One where time runs out but not our words,

One where I ask her about her tattoos and her passions,
One where I get to meet the 'her' not everyone does,

A dive into the deep end because well, shallow is for everyone…

And then as life always does to me, it snapped back to reality,

My friend returned and the conversation was put to a stop,

I also learnt that her time on the island has nearly come to an end,

God, life has such an amazing way of playing pranks on me,

It sucks to meet people you want to uncover at the wrong time,

Yet the ones who are toxic or who would care least about us,

The ones who lead us on a path and then walk away,

The ones who find us in darkness and bring the hope of light,

Yet end up leaving us in even more darkness,

They are always there, in fact; there is an ample supply of them,

And as much as we run away from them, they never run away from us,

So, it is a huge dagger and sucks because time can’t be reversed or recovered,

And there isn’t much of it left ahead for either of us, as it seems,

After a long time, I bumped into someone I really want to know,

Yet, sadly, I won't even be able to share this piece with her either,

It will seem creepy, random and perhaps, desperate,

But if I do meet and talk to her again, and reach a certain level of trust,

I will tell her about it, and be keen on seeing her response,

But, for now, all I know is, I bumped into her 2 months, too late!!

Peace!

Champ!

Love or ... (Part I)

Author's note: I have been reflecting a lot about love and both sides of the spectrum; being the lover and being the one loved. Fortunately, I have been on both ends and lately, I have been on the one that perhaps hurts the most - being the lover. I think it hurts most because you are not the one deciding which path you are taking i.e. the one with light, love and the person who you can be yourself with or the one with pain, heartbreak and deep darkness.

A couple of years back I believe, I made a choice of the path I wanted. Along this path I wanted, there was no room for me to commit to anyone so to the few who broke every barrier I had placed, eventually were hurt at the last hurdle because they met with a wall. Lately, I have been reflecting on how one feels to be facing such a wall since I faced one. I have also been scribbling down my thoughts on this; what would I tell my younger self, who decided to give up on love and walk the rebellious path (which I am currently back on!). What should one choose, love, wait and pain or temporary fixes and moving on? There might never be a correct answer to this question but I am certainly trying to explore and make meaning of this question; so, my next couple of pieces or so will revolve around this theme.

Meri zeest main ek aisa shaks hai yaaron,

Jo meri umar hai aur main uska ek lamha bhi nahin - Ahmed Faraz

These sunset walks that I take alone every day, 

Remind me of the sheer solitude engraved in me,

So deep that it is extremely difficult to erase,

And quite honestly, I don’t want to get rid of it,

It has become a part of my existence now,

It reminds me that I am a wanderer, and love isn’t for me,

The fairy tale love I mean, the forever happy one,

After all, wanderers have no destination but the ultimate one,

And I am still some yards away from that or so I hope…

It was some time back when I decided to build walls,

I chose the path of wandering and it came with a price,

A very heavy, emotionally painful and heart-shattering price,

The price of simply watching kisses, usually during sunsets,

or the price of watching two hands holding each other tight,

or the price of two bodies wrapped in each other in an ocean,

And where do I fit in all of this? 

Well, I am the eye that captures these moments!

Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely love capturing them,

But a part of my heartaches and envies to be there…

Almost every chord of my heart has been shattered,

Not by one particular person but the many I encountered,

I feel like I am that wonderful deserted island,

Travellers sight it from a distance and sail across to visit,

They swim in the water and tan on the shores of an empty beach,

They arrive at sunrise and depart at the hour of sunset,

And like a selfless, giving island; I start the day alone, and end it alone,

Only to welcome the next guest, the next day or the day after,

Well, perhaps it is time this island decided to close its shores,

Build a viewpoint for those who wish to climb,

And let them see that empty, deserted shore, filled with footsteps…

To choose love or not, is quite honestly a trick question,

My best friend told me ‘love is the toughest decision’,

It brings with it the possibility of finding a home in someone,

It brings intimacy and a safe haven to express; be yourself!

it brings with it the person who loves you, without your ‘societal’ mask,

But all the above and much more come at a heavy risk,

The risk of being denied the one thing you chose the path for; love!

The risk of dimming the light that brightens your path of life,

The risk of living a life reading past messages and listening to voice notes,

And as you do, a bittersweet bug of nostalgia stings every atom of your body,

The risk of looking at their photos with someone else yet being there for them,

The risk of just becoming another friend, another page in a chapter somewhere,

The risk of being nothing to the person who is perhaps anything but for you,

So, what would you choose? Love or…

Peace!
Champ!

A Wanderer Passing By!

Author's note: I tend to write in a poem format nowadays versus a journal like-blog piece. I do hope those few select who read me, are still able to connect to the piece as they did with earlier pieces.
I am always keen on hearing how the piece made you feel or even any feedback against it. Please feel free to email me or put in the comments your thoughts.

“And you must not worry about me. You must follow your dreams. You have your life ahead of you. I am just a wanderer passing by” – Avijeet Das

You know how the waves keep kissing the shore,

They are rejected every single time, but they come back,

I feel I am like that wave returning to a shore that denied me,

Even after thinking I shouldn’t be ‘hoping’ anymore,

And just like the ocean has its tides, moods so to speak,

It just gives up that hope and takes some steps back,

As if to assess whether the shore even cares of its existence,

I feel like I am doing the same thing with us,

And it hurts me more than it is hurting you, 

And to know that; to realize that, is tremendously painful.

The deeper the affection; the greater the pain,

And within the depth of longing is a bitterest feeling,

I hate it you know; trust me, I really hate it,

It is like a dagger that keeps piercing me, day and night,

So, when we speak, my words are sharper than usual,

And I know this will ultimately cost me a greater loss, you!

I would ask you to be patient with me, but it is unfair,

But as I likely fade from your life, you should know one thing,

Remember when you said our conversation would lighten eventually,

That the power or the frequency would deteriorate over time,

I couldn’t disagree anymore because I don’t believe that at all!

Our conversations weren’t meant to subside if we opted for them not to…

Do you think after all these years, that was a random message meant to go nowhere?

I think we were meant to be connected at this point in time; it was ‘maktub’,

I also think we just went with the flow, and that led to fear, which led to a turn,

A turn that cost me a lot, to be honest, and this is why I had built walls,

So, although it was only for a couple of weeks as it ended up being,

I believe it was a great journey, at least for me, and I re-live it,

Every single moment of every single day, I think of what we could have been.

So, my dearest friend, fellow wanderer, or most likely, a soulmate,

I wish you nothing but the best in pursuit of your dreams,

I understand your choice of them over me; I hope you do achieve all of them, and more,

I also hope we continue to talk and remain ‘connected’,

Although I have not done a good job so far, I promise to try, better!

I had promised I’d be there for you, so I always will be, 

Even though right now it may seem to you I am not, but I am,

I can only hope that if I don't listen, you fight me and especially with me through this phase,

But, just in case, should you wish to give up on me, I won’t blame you,

After all, who was I or, who am I except just a wanderer passing by…

“Tumhari duniya main hum jaise hazaaron hai Faraz, 

Hum hi pagal the jo tumhe paa kar itrane lage” - Ahmed Faraz

Peace!

Champ!

Two Wandering Souls...

You know you shouldn’t have slid into my DM’s like that,

It was the best and worst thing that happened to me in ages,

Best because you re-introduced me to love or at least to the feeling of it,

You made me once again meet the Rahim I thought ceased to exist,

You became the reason I smiled without even needing a reason,

Worst because just as I was re-gaining light, you waved goodbye,

It was like someone lit a match to light a candle and quickly blew it,

Just when I thought I was safe from all of this,

You walked into my life, the most beautiful storm I have encountered…

You know I was so used to my loneliness and solitude,

As an introvert, I was born to accept that I must be with myself,

And if I am to be happy, I should love to be with myself,

And I took years to learn and perfect that art,

I have learnt to sleep on a wet pillow filled with my tears,

I have learnt to protect my inner core with walls,

Walls that are so high that even I can’t climb to look on the outside,

Walls that are meant to protect me from people, who bring hope,

Hope that someone has finally arrived on the shore of my life,

To love me, care for me, like I have for others, all these many years,

Hope that as a wanderer, I have finally found a destination…

It was ‘maktub’ for two wandering souls to finally cross paths,

For two very similar shadows to merge and walk together,

I believe things happen for a reason in life and we did not ‘just’ meet,

I believe He who is above all else is an Artist overseeing a beautiful painting,

He paints every stroke on it knowing the beauty it will add,

The irony in all of this is that you too were finding a destination in me,

Perhaps I am completely wrong, and this is all my illusion,

But my instinct tells me otherwise, and I always believe what it says you know,

I have no end for this piece, and I would like to believe, the same goes for us…

"A soul mate is not found. A soul mate is recognized" – Vironika Tugaleva

Peace!

Champ! 

Budhao :)

In recent conversations with someone, I have been reminded of one of the most influential, important and significant figures of my life, my Budhao, my Khan Nanu. It is not that I had forgotten him, but it feels like someone reading my journals has flipped back to the page where I wrote about him. I went back to my blog and read the piece I wrote about my Nanus (http://whitelyz.blogspot.com/2018/05/my-nanus.html). I realize I had mentioned that I will write about my Budhao but never had the chance to do it, so this evening, at 2021 (every pun intended as 2020 is far too screwed up!!), seated in front of a quiet Bangrak beach in Koh Samui, Thailand with mosquitoes irritating me, I am going to put down this piece for my Nanu…

My Nanu started serving the Jamat and the mosque in Aliyabad, Karachi and then later moved to Kampala. I am not sure of the precise number of years he served in Karachi but I think it was over 20 years and in Kampala, it was 23 years, so of his 78 years, he served for nearly 43, at least. I could see the light of the blessings in his eyes and in the entirety of his life. He began meditation at the age of 8 and did not stop until he passed away. Of all my Nanus, who I feel were all ‘elevated’, I have spent most of my time with Budhao and he was the closest Nanu to me. From scolding me to guiding me with life lessons, from buying my first phone (Nokia 2600) to paying for the glasses I broke while batting in cricket, I owe a lot of myself to him. I also know for a fact that I am reaping the fruits of his deeds otherwise I don’t for one second believe that I have done anything worthy of much of what has been bestowed upon me so far. I am profoundly blessed, beyond my thoughts to be a part of his legacy; no amount of words will express how truly and deeply I believe this! I want to share some specific incidents in this piece about him as well as lessons which I will never forget and things I am known for or can do but owe all of it, to him…

My father used to make chai (tea) in Karachi at Karimabar Jamat Khana (JK). I always knew this but did not have the slightest clue that I could continue that legacy in Kampala. 1 evening after prayers, as usual, I was with my friends hanging out when he called me upstairs to the prayer hall saying he needed help. There was a health session in the Diamond Jubilee Hall (DJ Hall as it was called, and anyone from Kampala will tell you, it was, rather is our most treasured place!) and they wanted chai. The expected number was 35. I had never made chai for 2 people, leave alone 35, that too in JK so I shared my hesitation with him. He smiled and said, “don’t worry, I will share pointers and if you follow them, you will reach your destiny”. He gave me the keys to the store and precise measurements; x litres milk, water and amount of tea leaves. Nervous but courageously, I did as he said. As Paulo says in The Alchemist, beginner’s luck, I got it! The tea was loved by everyone and I thought to myself ‘wow, I can do this!’. I then began making chai for events at JK and did it for almost 9 years. During the 2011 celebrations, I made 100 litres tea, twice in 1 night during one of the garba ceremonies – a day engraved in my heart as one of the finest days of my Uganda journey.

There is something about enlightenment, it can’t be hidden. Regardless of the faith you practice, the elevation is something open to all. It is a search and that has no limits or boundaries and those who courageously as well as persistently practice and are blessed by He who is above all else, find the true meaning of life. I cannot touch much (wow, rhymes!) on this topic but Budhao was certainly one of them! He is undoubtedly the most elevated soul I have known all my life!

I miss him a lot today and I feel the time I spent with him on this planet was really little although it was 20+ years. There were many times I had questions about my faith, my practices, my actions, people’s actions, decisions to be made when I was at a crossroad and he had all the answers.
No one knows this but there was a time period in my life, some months after Dad passed away that he would come and meet me. I was unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to meditate… Every time, I would deeply close my eyes, I would see him, right there, gazing at me and smiling. To be honest, as much as it brought peace and happiness, it also scared me. My Nanu helped me through that phase with his guidance.
I re-call him telling me to maintain and hold fast on my faith when I was politically undone in Kampala for an opportunity that means the world to me or how he told me to calm down when serving because otherwise, I am losing the essence of it. I remember how I hated when he called me to help him because I was too stupid to value television or cricket over service – today, I can give everything I have to go back in time and assist him. I re-call how I discovered the places he hid the extra chocolates he got, which eventually would be mine anyways, but he wanted me to learn how to be patient and not let my ambitious self-get the better of me. I am ashamed to admit that I was foolish not to learn everything I possibly could from him but immensely grateful that I got to absorb as much as I did and I am guided by these learnings.

My Nanu, my Budhao supported me; was and still is, my pillar in life. I still carry his lessons with me, his Ghatpath Dhaga, which he gave me before going to the OT, is in my journal as a lifelong memory of his presence.
On 18^th March 2017, my Nanu went through almost an 8-9-hour surgery for his lip cancer treatment. On 21^st March 2017, Navroz (Persian New Year), he suffered a cardiac arrest at 4am but survived after being revived 5 times. The doctor, in fact, had told me that day to be prepared to let him go. Was I prepared? I don’t think so… He passed away 9 months later on Chandraat, day of the new moon. Was I prepared then? Mentally, perhaps but emotionally, I am still not prepared!! From the day of his surgery to the day he finally left this world, it was painful but also very inspirational to see how his Faith wasn’t shaken. I would like to hope and pray that I can have 10% of the courage, service, strength, belief and faith that he had. If I can manage that, I will consider my life a huge success.

I could write a book on my Nanu but I just want to conclude with the following lines of his favorite song:

Woh na milega ab tujhe, jiski tujhe talaash hai,

Raahon main aj be-kafan, teri wafa ki laash hai,

Yeh toh zara bata mujhe, tune kiya tha pyaar kyun,

Ae dil kisi ki yaad main hota hai bekarar kyun,

Jisne bhula diya tujhe, uska hai intezar kyun…

Happy B’day Nanu! RIP!

Peace!

Champ!

The Path of Love, or not?!

"Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life" - Merle Shain

Author's note: I am hoping that this piece will help those few select who read me, reflect on their lives and choices. Many of us find ourselves at a crossroads where we either choose to be with someone we connect with or let go and continue life by ourselves. I have pretty much always opted for the 'solo' path after discovering that the emotional one does not do well for me but this seemed to have changed temporarily. I am hoping that for those who are encountering such a scenario, this piece brings out the feeling of what it is like to be on either end of the decision, and I hope, I sincerely hope, you choose to love...

Watching the sunset from one of the viewpoints I discovered on this beautiful island of Koh Samui, I am wondering which direction life is sending me. In just a matter of a week or so, life has taken a U-turn it seems or just a turn, to a path I felt I had let go ages back; a path I had forgotten; a path I seemed to purposely ignore existed; the path where one does not walk alone, the path of walking with 2 shadows at the back; the path where even a wanderer finally finds a destination.

Some days later, I see that the path has faded and this time, after a very long time, the decision to let go isn’t mine, it is of the person who I hoped to walk with. I guess this is karma, for all those times when I said no to the folks who wanted to walk with me. Life has a very funny of way operating in that it will surprise you by showing you light in a dark tunnel and just as you walk towards it, what seemed a source of light is merely a reflector asking you to turn, once again… As a wanderer for as long as I can remember, I have walked alone, of course with small periods of having someone in my life but never a firm sense of commitment and I was used to it but these past couple of weeks reminded me of how beautiful life can be with someone as well as in it and I don’t understand why it would do so, if it were to only be a temporary thing. My best friend once cautioned me about giving in so much of myself to the relationships/friendships in my life because he knows I give in way more of myself than I should and eventually it leads to hurt. 

Thinking about this one, one may say that it was really short so why so much thought behind it? I don’t quantify my connections with someone. There is no concrete time frame for someone to become valuable in one’s life. There are people you know over years who at the end of the day are purely acquaintances and then there are those who just walk in and blow your mind away, so who is determining how much time is sufficient to feel a connect? Shitu and I became friends in 2004 and have been best friends for 16 years, Alhamdulilah! However, I have not seen him for 15 years! In 2005, he left for US and we haven’t met since then! We used to send each other 1 email in months during the times of Yahoo and Hotmail messenger, I have forgotten his b’days (as I don’t remember b’days really) and even missed his marriage. If you ask him, he will not mention the last 2 points I did because his heart chose me as a person and not the distance or the time difference that separates us. Regardless of who I meet, Shitu is irreplaceable in my life! Mind you, I know other folks much longer than I know Shitu but that means little to nothing. Connections, clicks are ‘maktub’ and should not be time quantified…

This is an emotionally written and driven piece, as are most of my other pieces but lastly, I wish to say that if possible, if even 0.01% possibility exists, choose love. A relationship or love, the purest and truest one at least is not prison sentence or a rope that hold you down. It is like the 2^nd tire to your bike, the 2nd wing or engine to the aircraft that will add lift to your flight so instead of letting fear get the better of you, try walk a few steps with the person and see. I have to admit that I have always chosen the other path, so it is very ironic that my advice today is this. Time and time again, life offered me someone I could walk with and quite honestly, I ran away from that but today when I seemed to have found my destination, it has opted to do the same to me, and it sucks! I wanted to conclude this piece with a 2 liner I have deeply loved over the years:

“do hi dinn kathin guzre hai zindagi main,

ek uske ane se pehle, ek uske jaane kay baad”

Peace!
Champ!

Island Life!

I wanted to share about my new life so I started this piece months back when I arrived here. I have taken all this time to kind of complete it. I am not convinced that this is the piece I intended to write or that it is complete but none-the-less, I did not want to hold on to it anymore. I need to write about how I am managing my passion for travel and photography in that I am 'island hopping' over the weekends.

Honeymoon days!

“There is light at the end of the tunnel” or “hard work pays off”; both clichés, right? Well, they may well be for some but for me, I couldn’t agree anymore. I am at a beach seated on a comfortable cushion, watching the waves right in front of me, feeling the breeze, listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan as I sip my ginger ale and type this piece – island life!
A short while back, I was on the phone with mom and I was explaining to her how life has changed, how much I love it here and how I don’t have enough words to express my gratitude to He who is above all else.
A few months back, I was in Karachi, a noisy and disorganized city as I have always seen it in terms of living there. I was struggling with finances (big time) yet did not let anyone realize it except the very few closest to my existence; I had a tough office to deal with; my teeth were hurting and worsening due to my chocolate and soda intake and on top of that what upset me more is the hypocrite driving – after all, the city’s incompetence means they issue every other tom dick and harry a driving license! In fact, most of them don’t even have one but who does their job to stop all this!! Anyways, one fine day, a call changed everything and here I am, some 4 months later, in a bar on an island with my Mac at 2343, or 1143pm for those who use the normal clock style :p, as if I have accomplished everything I ever wanted or there was to, which is the furthest thing there can be from the truth.

PS: I am seated on the same spot I did some months back when I connected with someone only to end up locking lips shortly after – what a sweet memory that is for me!!

Btw, today is Dad’s B’day and surprisingly it has not been a tough day for me like it was last year, when I drowned, quite literally!; doesn’t mean I have stopped missing him, but I can tell that the wound is becoming numb, on the surface at least! One other thing I have been very good at hiding from Mom is how much I miss him! I have broken down within ever since he left but for her, I need to be me.
Life seems to have turned in a completely different but the right direction. For quite some time, I kept asking my Lord why He isn’t giving me the path I seek? I kept telling Him how sad, stressed and helpless I felt yet there was no relief for me, aside from my Faith (which ranks above all) and things I did for myself like badminton, long drives or late-night walks at AKU. As I sit here tonight, I can tell you that He surely answers but at the right time for He knows more than we will ever. In my previous piece, I mentioned paying the price – so once you have paid the price, you get the answer!

Another day, the same bar, continuing this piece…

It is very windy today, like seriously windy and the tide is very high. Coco Tam’s has these seats, which allow one to view the ocean and feel the tide as they eat or drink, or for someone like myself, type J. Tonight, it is so windy that they have closed down that space. This has become what I refer to as ‘my spot’!
I love coming here; the ambience is amazing but, on some nights, I need it. The ocean is my relief, to be honest; it soothes my soul even with the level of solitude it holds. There are times when I just need to be with myself be by writing my feelings down, lying under the sky, feeling the sea breeze or having a cup of masala chai; I just need to be with myself! Even though I have gotten better at it, my solitude does get to me. Is it weird that even a wanderer can miss love in his life? Is it weird that for someone who has gotten used to being alone, sometimes, this seems the last thing he’d like to be? So, well folks, if you have love in your lives, treasure it, and don’t lose the person. There will be times of difficulty, compromise, fighting and even thoughts that walking away is the best thing to do, but trust me, stay put and fight it out, especially if you believe that they are the one for you!
Take it from someone who is used to seeing only 1 pair of footsteps behind him when taking a beach walk, love is the best thing that will touch you!

Another day, same bar, concluding this piece…

Price paying days!

One thing lately that has happened is I end up writing in blocks, which I believe is not so bad. There are moments when words flow and after a certain time, one loses that rhythm. Rather than forcing to write for the sake of finishing the piece, it is best to hold back and continue at some later point.

During the days when I began the piece, someone remarked ‘you are on your honeymoon days’. I kind of knew what he was implying but did not think much of it at the time. Today, after almost a month on this island as its resident, I can tell you, he couldn’t have said it better. Don’t get me wrong, I am still loving every bit of my life here, but it isn’t all that easy. I manage a beach front villa with an infinity swimming pool but how many times do I get to take a dive? Perhaps once a week, if at all. I have the ocean right in front of me but again, how many times do I get to swim? Again, not much. I do take the beach walks but even that has now reduced. 

A couple of months later…

Once again at the same beach bar with ginger ale, only this time watching a fire show and getting to know this stranger beside me, in bits because she is watching the show and I am writing this piece!

The weeks following the last time I touched this piece have been immensely tough! I guess as I said in an earlier piece, I am paying the price for the next level. When sharing with my best friend, I told him the only way we know we are on the right path is if the price we pay becomes tougher and stronger in magnitude, otherwise how will you grow. If the price for one chapter is the same as the next, where is the elevation?

I have taken quite a number of scars already and they have taught me way more than I was learning earlier. One thing I have come to realize about the Creator is, He pieces together the puzzle one by one and if you are reflective enough to look backwards, you will realize that what is happening today was set in motion sometime back, or even the way you are is helping you with the present struggle. I developed a very thick skin from my previous job and that helped me take the beatings I have in this role so far. 

A couple of weeks later from one of my favourite hostels on the island…

Almost three months into this new chapter, I am absolutely loving it. I couldn’t have asked for anything more welcoming or blessed. This country is one you just fall in love with. As a soul which hasn’t learned to settle down, I can assure you I don’t call every other place home, but for this island, this country, I can use that word…home! I could spend the rest of my life here, in my shorts and slippers, many times an unbuttoned shirt or without one at all, on a scooter with my headsets on; island life is love!!

Peace!

Champ!