4 Longg Years but I Remember!

Author's note: I began composing this piece last night as I was remembering Dad. The night of 17th and the whole of 18th, I become very numb. I couldn't finish this last night because I felt emotionally drained. Every atom of my existence was silenced as I was writing and it seemed every inch of me, burst out weeping so I had to stop.
Watching a mesmerising sunset from the pier next to my home, I have finally completed this.

"Chiti na koi sandesh, jane woh kaunsa desh, jahan tum chale gaye..."

Technically, I have traveled to 14 countries in the past 4 years; that is how long it has been since Dad left for another world! It feels much longer though!! Well, number 14 and I go a long way back, all the way to ‘91; when I was born on Oct-14. I also have 14 stiches on my forehead above my right eye; a reminder of how naughty and stubborn I was as a kid, or rather, still am! My favorite aunt was born on Dec-14 and oh, the first time I failed an Academic year, and Dad had to take a tough decision for me to relaunch my studies, well I was 14! We humans want to find reasoning and logic in everything…

18^th June 2016; the day my life changed forever. I have said it in the past and I shall repeat here again; I remember every single moment so well and clearly. I haven’t forgotten anything; absolutely nothing, and to be honest, I don’t want to either…

I remember talking to Dad for 17m, 24s. He had just returned from work but despite being tired, his love for me won. He stood outside and we spoke. It was raining that day so he must have been feeling cold as well; but a parent’s love always wins! I remember telling him ‘I am only a month away from meeting you. Do you want something?’ It was the season of mangoes in Pakistan so I told him I will bring that since he loved them. I remember him telling me ‘you come, that is it. I want nothing else’. I remember telling him that I love him. I remember telling him how grateful I was to have him as my father. Could there have been a better end to a final conversation, although I did not know it at the time? See why I always say, express your love because there is absolutely no guarantees of a tomorrow. Tomorrow is far, no guarantees of the moment ahead.

After the call, I remember how I was lying under a star-less sky with only the moon staring right at me. I remember how my instinct was telling me ‘something isn’t right, Rahim’. It was a family gathering and I remember my mind being somewhere far away. I remember the mood changing of the members and how I was taken downstairs to the room. I remember hearing my uncle’s words as he embraced me, ‘hausla rakhna hai apne ko, mama kay liye’ (you have to be/stay strong, for mom). 

I remember calling my boss to share the news. I had invited him to my homecoming party the next day; I remember how his tone changed; a change as though a sunrise turned to a sunset! I remember heading home to pack my bag to travel and just as I was doing that, I got a call from one of my childhood friends. She had lost her dad not so long back, so she knew what I was going through. She wanted me to be strong; remain strong!

I remember calling my best friend from the airport to share the darkest news of my life. I remember his silence the moment I told him, for it was a reflection of my soul, which had indeed shut itself too. I remember him posting on my Facebook timeline requesting everyone to give me space as I mourned the loss of a pillar. Shiraz has always known me better than others.

I remember traveling that night with a numb, frozen and silent heart; the longest travel of my life. I remember that immigration officer in Uganda, whose eyes teared when she heard why I had returned home. I remember her words to me as she returned my passport ‘may He give you all the strength in the world; you will need it’.

I remember hugging my mom for the first time as I stepped into my home; it was as though, she could finally cry to someone she knew understood the loss. I remember hugging a devastated, heartbroken wife, who spent all her life loving 1 man, who had passed away in her lap the night before. I remember my grandfather’s eyes, which had seen many souls pass but this one was one of his own.

I remember not wanting to see Dad until the day of the funeral because I knew, I’d break before it was time to break. I remember standing in that line as members of the community came to share their condolences. I had never in my roughest dreams imagined that feeling. I remember this 1 uncle who broke in my arms; he used to sit next to Dad in the mosque, something I did not know until that day. I remember him very well for he shared how proud my father was of my achievements. He said my Dad wouldn’t stop speaking of my accomplishments, be badminton, photography or the fewer travels I had done back then.

I remember my uncle traveling to Uganda from Mozambique – something that was a source of immense strength for me and I shall forever be indebted to him. I remember waking up that morning for the funeral and thinking to myself ‘it is only 4 to 5 hours Rahim, they will pass by quick’. I remember the lengthiest and heaviest 5 hours of my life.

The body is first shown to the family to have a private, intimate, final moment with the deceased. I remember walking into that room in 1 piece and coming out in shattered, countless pieces. I remember walking away right as I stepped in, just like paper burns to ash when introduced to fire. Even though I was strong, life never prepares you enough for the loss of a parent. How can it? I remember my uncle holding my hand to take me around Dad. Up until that point, I think my heart was hoping that this wasn’t true; as if it were a nightmare and I will wake up to him being around.

I remember being seated in front of his body and hoping the chest will beat anytime now! I remember reciting for him at the ceremony, with all my heart, however much I had left anyways. I remember my former boss, my mentor and more like an elder brother traveling to Uganda for the funeral – again, something I shall forever be indebted. I did not realize back then for obvious reasons but today as I reflect back, there were members of my family, who never expressed any intention of coming despite how close we were. I think as my Dad went, so did those relationships.

I remember that last final walk I took around his body. I remember lifting his coffin and not wanting to let go, as always, I walked on the right side of him. I remember the burial. I remember being completely still, quiet and frozen in one place. I remember placing just 1 flower, at the top where his forehead was. I used to kiss him good night, so I did that, one final time. 

As I walked away from that graveyard, I remember receiving all of his strength, which has forever stayed with me.

The next month when I went back to Uganda, I remember asking Isaac (my boda boda dude in Kampala) to take me to the graveyard. We stopped at the gate and I told him ‘take me home’. I wasn’t ready to go in. My feet just did not have the strength to do it!

It took me a year before I did it in Oct-17. On the last day of my trip, I went to see Dad. I spent 5 minutes with him in silence. Every time I go Kampala, Isaac takes me to see Dad, again on the last day. I think I have realized that the balance of my life is maintained by me seeing him, every 1 or 2 years. The last time I went to see him was Aug-19.

I am fortunate for I got the chance to tell him that I love him or even just talk to him, you might not so don’t waste time. Your dad, mom or even that special someone, don’t let these worldly distractions or fear guide you. Reach out today, reach out now in fact and tell them you love them or say the sorry your ego doesn’t want to because trust me, they never come back.

I want to end with the lyrics of a song my dad's elder brother used to tell me about...

"Zindagi kay safar main guzar  jate hai jo makam, woh phir nahin aate, woh phir nahin aate..."

Peace!

Champ!

Love or ... (Part 3)

Author's note: I had initially thought this would be a 3 part series but I think it will be more than that. There is still plenty I need to let go of my heart and in bits and pieces, I keep scribbling away. I share the following stanzas for the time being...

It feels odd and strange to be back in the game, isn’t it?

You look at a pretty someone somewhere and want to approach,

But your feet don’t move in the direction of your lust,

A simple ‘hello’ becomes quite a challenge for you to say,

As tough as the physics theory paper felt back in high school,

Your heart says, ‘you’re nuts for choosing your nuts over me’,

We all crave intimacy, so do you, nothing wrong, but this is anything but,

You still fantasize the two of you, walking along the beach on a full moon night,

Or seated at the shore, holding hands as the waves crashed into you,

A strong breeze blowing across to engulf you both in goosebumps,

And a lightening in the background would occur as your lips touched hers,

As if God were applauding you both from the Heavens saying ‘Maktub’

But there is no thunder anymore in life; literally and figuratively,

You gave her the you that was lost and shattered ages back,

And she has made sure to erase every last bit of him, forever…

She used to be the last thing on your mind at sunset and the first at sunrise,

But she is slowly fading and becoming the second thing,

For this, I am happy for you; for every ounce of your silent, shattered heart,

The truth is, you deserve to be with more than just shadows,

You deserve hands, which will fit and remain in yours despite the noise,

You deserve to walk with feet, which will not walk away at the first sight of attachment,

Or rather, the fear of attachment,

Love on the road of life is like fog and that can be very scary indeed,

But the blurriness is God’s way of making us choose the path,

We can choose the sunrise together as the path clears itself,

Or we can create a storm and lightening for the other,

I am afraid, she left you in the rain as she walked towards shelters,

But I don't blame her you know, though clearly, it looks like I am,

I made this very choice some years back, and I guess this is karma,

I turned down love for my freedom; she has done the same on behalf of those others...

Come to think about it, I think it was better to remain social media acquaintances,

I wouldn’t have ‘got’ her, even though temporarily it was,

But then, I wouldn’t have lost her either,

Perhaps I haven’t fully lost her as yet, but I am doing a fine job of it,

I am erasing every last shred of my existence from her breaths; her thoughts; her life,

And that does not make me happy or satisfied at all,

It hurts even more; way more than she can possibly imagine,

I’d want nothing more than to stabilize us, whatever remaining it may be,

But I am not sure she wants the same anymore, especially after what she said today,

She wasn't just another wave in my life; she was the ocean, the one I thought I'd never get!

And yes, perhaps I never deserved it, hence here I am, all alone, even rejected by her memory,

As I type this, I am seated outside my beach house in the middle of a storm,

The ocean is rough, and the wind is blowing everything in its path,

Not to forget the darkness all around due to a total cloud cover,

Allah is making me witness my life after her, right here, right now…

Peace!
Champ!

Love or... (Part 2)

Author's note: This piece is perhaps the 2nd part of a 3 piece series on the theme of unrequited love, choosing to love or let go and the sheer pain of a whipping heart, who is learning to move on...

I was quite clear on the path I had chosen to walk. 
A path of temporary intimacies; sometimes just a night!!
As I strode this path, a message out of the blue changed quite a bit. 

She <DM’d> me! 
That is all it took to disrupt the flow of my life. Was it for good or bad? Tough one to answer, I’d say! 
Her presence in my life all of a sudden made me believe again. 
Believe in happy endings; as if one was even written for me!
Every wall I had ever made, just came down crumbling without me realizing,
The more we spoke, every chord of my heart cuddled with her heartbeats,
But her absence now has made one thing crystal clear,
The path I had initially chosen was the one made and meant for me. 
I am more than determined to stick to this path,
Pain is inevitable but we can surely choose the one we don't want,
Love is the biggest con and illusion in the world,
And it seems I was destined to forever find people I could not be with. 

I am significantly tired; exhausted actually of climbing high walls, 
Only then be asked to join the crowd outside the door. 
I thought I had passed being emotionally involved, 
I actually thought I was safe from the heartaches, 
But for the past couple months have re-awakened every crack within,
Cracks along the scars left by the impossibilities I have met in life,
It seems my heart is filled with darkness and loneliness, 
Even those walking towards me as light, fade the closer they come...
Heartaches are perhaps like the roundabouts of our life,
Love seems to be a straight road until you arrive at the roundabout,
Life presents you with choices and it will be unwise to continue straight,
So, all of this turmoil has only made me strengthen my walls more,

There is no point in chasing shadows, I remind myself every day now, 
So as Miranda Kenneally once said, “When unrequited love is the most expensive thing on the menu, 
sometimes you settle for the daily special”

Unlike bulbs, emotions and feelings don’t have a switch button, 
You can’t love and unlove people at their request. 
If it were true, I'd be madly in love with Deepika or Katrina; I mean I love them anyways :p
So, once you fall down the hole, there is no ladder really to climb back either. 

You can’t "control Z" or backspace to erase what you felt. 
Quite frankly, there is only one way for you to survive;
Walk away for the time being, as far as you can,
Until your heart feels at ease and makes its peace,
Peace with the fact that they weren't yours, to begin with,
That they chose something or someone over you, and it is okay,
They had that right of choice, and so do you; use it wisely, walk away!
Because trust me, she already did, yet you are standing where you were,
Hand-stretched out thinking she will hold it back, but she is long gone... long gone...
And so move on! Someday maybe, you might find it okay to be around her,
Perhaps even laugh and have a conversation without feeling angry, at her!
A conversation just like old times, yet the reality would be anything but old times. 
Remember, she chose to lose what you two had. She walked away, so don't blame yourself for doing the same,
The only thing worse than heartbreak is being someone's second choice,
And you do not deserve that. Remember that...

It won't be easy though! Loneliness will catch up and walk beside you. 
You will be judged for choosing this path but do not care about people,
They did not go through what you did,
They don't know what it is like to look at your phone, which has no notifications with her name on,
This 'rebellious' path you have chosen is full of partners and meaningless intimacies.
Powerful moments I must say, but not what they would have been with her,

You will perfect lines like 'your place or mine' or 'call me maybe?’ 
You will be called names and be seen as weak, but that is okay. 
At the core you know; you chose love wholeheartedly until she did not. 
Every single time you gave love a chance, it slapped you and walked away, 
so, you embarked on a different road and did not invite your heart along. 
I mean you still packed your numb heart which is now like a rock, 
but the only rocks that matter on this road are below your belt,
Your social media will have stories and photos of you, each time at a different place and with a different someone. 
Your friends will think you are the luckiest and will envy you, 
However, not realizing that every night, your pillow is wetter than where your fingers were! That deep down, you are filled with the pain of not being enough for someone. 
But, you will survive! Because in the end, just like love, heartbreaks aren't forever!

Peace!
Champ!

2 months, too late!!

I saw her for the first time today at this hostel,

I mean I have bumped into her before,

But today, I really saw her, you know…

After a long time, I decided to dine outside,

Certainly, one of the best decisions I have made in some time,

I decided to sit at my usual place,

Which just happened to be right across her,

She was with a friend; another factor added to enhance my fear,

You know this tingling introvert fear of saying ‘hello’.

I kept stealing these mini glances every now and then,

As she smiled and laughed, my curiosity grew,

I am a big instinct person you know,

and this afternoon, my instinct, whispered then screamed,

‘get to know this girl, Rahim’, you won’t regret!

As I have done several times in the past,

I walked away without saying anything and with a tiny bit of regret,

In the end, I forget these mini regrets, which could have,

Indeed led, to countless more memories, but let us leave it at that…

As fate would have it, I was talking to a friend of mine when she came,

My friend very kindly introduced me, and I got talking to her,

It must have been under a minute before my friend returned,

God knows I wished for that minute not to end,

My instinct never lies to me and it was right yet again,

There was something about her, which was magnetic,

And it certainly wasn’t physical, although she is very pretty,
I mean I could write way more about how beautiful she is,
but words won't do justice, and I don't want to fall short,

Although we were having this mini conversation,

A separate conversation was playing in mind,

One where I ask her to coffee and to explore the island with me,

One where we swim at deserted beaches and sit under the moon,
One where time runs out but not our words,

One where I ask her about her tattoos and her passions,
One where I get to meet the 'her' not everyone does,

A dive into the deep end because well, shallow is for everyone…

And then as life always does to me, it snapped back to reality,

My friend returned and the conversation was put to a stop,

I also learnt that her time on the island has nearly come to an end,

God, life has such an amazing way of playing pranks on me,

It sucks to meet people you want to uncover at the wrong time,

Yet the ones who are toxic or who would care least about us,

The ones who lead us on a path and then walk away,

The ones who find us in darkness and bring the hope of light,

Yet end up leaving us in even more darkness,

They are always there, in fact; there is an ample supply of them,

And as much as we run away from them, they never run away from us,

So, it is a huge dagger and sucks because time can’t be reversed or recovered,

And there isn’t much of it left ahead for either of us, as it seems,

After a long time, I bumped into someone I really want to know,

Yet, sadly, I won't even be able to share this piece with her either,

It will seem creepy, random and perhaps, desperate,

But if I do meet and talk to her again, and reach a certain level of trust,

I will tell her about it, and be keen on seeing her response,

But, for now, all I know is, I bumped into her 2 months, too late!!

Peace!

Champ!

Love or ... (Part I)

Author's note: I have been reflecting a lot about love and both sides of the spectrum; being the lover and being the one loved. Fortunately, I have been on both ends and lately, I have been on the one that perhaps hurts the most - being the lover. I think it hurts most because you are not the one deciding which path you are taking i.e. the one with light, love and the person who you can be yourself with or the one with pain, heartbreak and deep darkness.

A couple of years back I believe, I made a choice of the path I wanted. Along this path I wanted, there was no room for me to commit to anyone so to the few who broke every barrier I had placed, eventually were hurt at the last hurdle because they met with a wall. Lately, I have been reflecting on how one feels to be facing such a wall since I faced one. I have also been scribbling down my thoughts on this; what would I tell my younger self, who decided to give up on love and walk the rebellious path (which I am currently back on!). What should one choose, love, wait and pain or temporary fixes and moving on? There might never be a correct answer to this question but I am certainly trying to explore and make meaning of this question; so, my next couple of pieces or so will revolve around this theme.

Meri zeest main ek aisa shaks hai yaaron,

Jo meri umar hai aur main uska ek lamha bhi nahin - Ahmed Faraz

These sunset walks that I take alone every day, 

Remind me of the sheer solitude engraved in me,

So deep that it is extremely difficult to erase,

And quite honestly, I don’t want to get rid of it,

It has become a part of my existence now,

It reminds me that I am a wanderer, and love isn’t for me,

The fairy tale love I mean, the forever happy one,

After all, wanderers have no destination but the ultimate one,

And I am still some yards away from that or so I hope…

It was some time back when I decided to build walls,

I chose the path of wandering and it came with a price,

A very heavy, emotionally painful and heart-shattering price,

The price of simply watching kisses, usually during sunsets,

or the price of watching two hands holding each other tight,

or the price of two bodies wrapped in each other in an ocean,

And where do I fit in all of this? 

Well, I am the eye that captures these moments!

Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely love capturing them,

But a part of my heartaches and envies to be there…

Almost every chord of my heart has been shattered,

Not by one particular person but the many I encountered,

I feel like I am that wonderful deserted island,

Travellers sight it from a distance and sail across to visit,

They swim in the water and tan on the shores of an empty beach,

They arrive at sunrise and depart at the hour of sunset,

And like a selfless, giving island; I start the day alone, and end it alone,

Only to welcome the next guest, the next day or the day after,

Well, perhaps it is time this island decided to close its shores,

Build a viewpoint for those who wish to climb,

And let them see that empty, deserted shore, filled with footsteps…

To choose love or not, is quite honestly a trick question,

My best friend told me ‘love is the toughest decision’,

It brings with it the possibility of finding a home in someone,

It brings intimacy and a safe haven to express; be yourself!

it brings with it the person who loves you, without your ‘societal’ mask,

But all the above and much more come at a heavy risk,

The risk of being denied the one thing you chose the path for; love!

The risk of dimming the light that brightens your path of life,

The risk of living a life reading past messages and listening to voice notes,

And as you do, a bittersweet bug of nostalgia stings every atom of your body,

The risk of looking at their photos with someone else yet being there for them,

The risk of just becoming another friend, another page in a chapter somewhere,

The risk of being nothing to the person who is perhaps anything but for you,

So, what would you choose? Love or…

Peace!
Champ!

A Wanderer Passing By!

Author's note: I tend to write in a poem format nowadays versus a journal like-blog piece. I do hope those few select who read me, are still able to connect to the piece as they did with earlier pieces.
I am always keen on hearing how the piece made you feel or even any feedback against it. Please feel free to email me or put in the comments your thoughts.

“And you must not worry about me. You must follow your dreams. You have your life ahead of you. I am just a wanderer passing by” – Avijeet Das

You know how the waves keep kissing the shore,

They are rejected every single time, but they come back,

I feel I am like that wave returning to a shore that denied me,

Even after thinking I shouldn’t be ‘hoping’ anymore,

And just like the ocean has its tides, moods so to speak,

It just gives up that hope and takes some steps back,

As if to assess whether the shore even cares of its existence,

I feel like I am doing the same thing with us,

And it hurts me more than it is hurting you, 

And to know that; to realize that, is tremendously painful.

The deeper the affection; the greater the pain,

And within the depth of longing is a bitterest feeling,

I hate it you know; trust me, I really hate it,

It is like a dagger that keeps piercing me, day and night,

So, when we speak, my words are sharper than usual,

And I know this will ultimately cost me a greater loss, you!

I would ask you to be patient with me, but it is unfair,

But as I likely fade from your life, you should know one thing,

Remember when you said our conversation would lighten eventually,

That the power or the frequency would deteriorate over time,

I couldn’t disagree anymore because I don’t believe that at all!

Our conversations weren’t meant to subside if we opted for them not to…

Do you think after all these years, that was a random message meant to go nowhere?

I think we were meant to be connected at this point in time; it was ‘maktub’,

I also think we just went with the flow, and that led to fear, which led to a turn,

A turn that cost me a lot, to be honest, and this is why I had built walls,

So, although it was only for a couple of weeks as it ended up being,

I believe it was a great journey, at least for me, and I re-live it,

Every single moment of every single day, I think of what we could have been.

So, my dearest friend, fellow wanderer, or most likely, a soulmate,

I wish you nothing but the best in pursuit of your dreams,

I understand your choice of them over me; I hope you do achieve all of them, and more,

I also hope we continue to talk and remain ‘connected’,

Although I have not done a good job so far, I promise to try, better!

I had promised I’d be there for you, so I always will be, 

Even though right now it may seem to you I am not, but I am,

I can only hope that if I don't listen, you fight me and especially with me through this phase,

But, just in case, should you wish to give up on me, I won’t blame you,

After all, who was I or, who am I except just a wanderer passing by…

“Tumhari duniya main hum jaise hazaaron hai Faraz, 

Hum hi pagal the jo tumhe paa kar itrane lage” - Ahmed Faraz

Peace!

Champ!

Two Wandering Souls...

You know you shouldn’t have slid into my DM’s like that,

It was the best and worst thing that happened to me in ages,

Best because you re-introduced me to love or at least to the feeling of it,

You made me once again meet the Rahim I thought ceased to exist,

You became the reason I smiled without even needing a reason,

Worst because just as I was re-gaining light, you waved goodbye,

It was like someone lit a match to light a candle and quickly blew it,

Just when I thought I was safe from all of this,

You walked into my life, the most beautiful storm I have encountered…

You know I was so used to my loneliness and solitude,

As an introvert, I was born to accept that I must be with myself,

And if I am to be happy, I should love to be with myself,

And I took years to learn and perfect that art,

I have learnt to sleep on a wet pillow filled with my tears,

I have learnt to protect my inner core with walls,

Walls that are so high that even I can’t climb to look on the outside,

Walls that are meant to protect me from people, who bring hope,

Hope that someone has finally arrived on the shore of my life,

To love me, care for me, like I have for others, all these many years,

Hope that as a wanderer, I have finally found a destination…

It was ‘maktub’ for two wandering souls to finally cross paths,

For two very similar shadows to merge and walk together,

I believe things happen for a reason in life and we did not ‘just’ meet,

I believe He who is above all else is an Artist overseeing a beautiful painting,

He paints every stroke on it knowing the beauty it will add,

The irony in all of this is that you too were finding a destination in me,

Perhaps I am completely wrong, and this is all my illusion,

But my instinct tells me otherwise, and I always believe what it says you know,

I have no end for this piece, and I would like to believe, the same goes for us…

"A soul mate is not found. A soul mate is recognized" – Vironika Tugaleva

Peace!

Champ! 

Budhao :)

In recent conversations with someone, I have been reminded of one of the most influential, important and significant figures of my life, my Budhao, my Khan Nanu. It is not that I had forgotten him, but it feels like someone reading my journals has flipped back to the page where I wrote about him. I went back to my blog and read the piece I wrote about my Nanus (http://whitelyz.blogspot.com/2018/05/my-nanus.html). I realize I had mentioned that I will write about my Budhao but never had the chance to do it, so this evening, at 2021 (every pun intended as 2020 is far too screwed up!!), seated in front of a quiet Bangrak beach in Koh Samui, Thailand with mosquitoes irritating me, I am going to put down this piece for my Nanu…

My Nanu started serving the Jamat and the mosque in Aliyabad, Karachi and then later moved to Kampala. I am not sure of the precise number of years he served in Karachi but I think it was over 20 years and in Kampala, it was 23 years, so of his 78 years, he served for nearly 43, at least. I could see the light of the blessings in his eyes and in the entirety of his life. He began meditation at the age of 8 and did not stop until he passed away. Of all my Nanus, who I feel were all ‘elevated’, I have spent most of my time with Budhao and he was the closest Nanu to me. From scolding me to guiding me with life lessons, from buying my first phone (Nokia 2600) to paying for the glasses I broke while batting in cricket, I owe a lot of myself to him. I also know for a fact that I am reaping the fruits of his deeds otherwise I don’t for one second believe that I have done anything worthy of much of what has been bestowed upon me so far. I am profoundly blessed, beyond my thoughts to be a part of his legacy; no amount of words will express how truly and deeply I believe this! I want to share some specific incidents in this piece about him as well as lessons which I will never forget and things I am known for or can do but owe all of it, to him…

My father used to make chai (tea) in Karachi at Karimabar Jamat Khana (JK). I always knew this but did not have the slightest clue that I could continue that legacy in Kampala. 1 evening after prayers, as usual, I was with my friends hanging out when he called me upstairs to the prayer hall saying he needed help. There was a health session in the Diamond Jubilee Hall (DJ Hall as it was called, and anyone from Kampala will tell you, it was, rather is our most treasured place!) and they wanted chai. The expected number was 35. I had never made chai for 2 people, leave alone 35, that too in JK so I shared my hesitation with him. He smiled and said, “don’t worry, I will share pointers and if you follow them, you will reach your destiny”. He gave me the keys to the store and precise measurements; x litres milk, water and amount of tea leaves. Nervous but courageously, I did as he said. As Paulo says in The Alchemist, beginner’s luck, I got it! The tea was loved by everyone and I thought to myself ‘wow, I can do this!’. I then began making chai for events at JK and did it for almost 9 years. During the 2011 celebrations, I made 100 litres tea, twice in 1 night during one of the garba ceremonies – a day engraved in my heart as one of the finest days of my Uganda journey.

There is something about enlightenment, it can’t be hidden. Regardless of the faith you practice, the elevation is something open to all. It is a search and that has no limits or boundaries and those who courageously as well as persistently practice and are blessed by He who is above all else, find the true meaning of life. I cannot touch much (wow, rhymes!) on this topic but Budhao was certainly one of them! He is undoubtedly the most elevated soul I have known all my life!

I miss him a lot today and I feel the time I spent with him on this planet was really little although it was 20+ years. There were many times I had questions about my faith, my practices, my actions, people’s actions, decisions to be made when I was at a crossroad and he had all the answers.
No one knows this but there was a time period in my life, some months after Dad passed away that he would come and meet me. I was unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to meditate… Every time, I would deeply close my eyes, I would see him, right there, gazing at me and smiling. To be honest, as much as it brought peace and happiness, it also scared me. My Nanu helped me through that phase with his guidance.
I re-call him telling me to maintain and hold fast on my faith when I was politically undone in Kampala for an opportunity that means the world to me or how he told me to calm down when serving because otherwise, I am losing the essence of it. I remember how I hated when he called me to help him because I was too stupid to value television or cricket over service – today, I can give everything I have to go back in time and assist him. I re-call how I discovered the places he hid the extra chocolates he got, which eventually would be mine anyways, but he wanted me to learn how to be patient and not let my ambitious self-get the better of me. I am ashamed to admit that I was foolish not to learn everything I possibly could from him but immensely grateful that I got to absorb as much as I did and I am guided by these learnings.

My Nanu, my Budhao supported me; was and still is, my pillar in life. I still carry his lessons with me, his Ghatpath Dhaga, which he gave me before going to the OT, is in my journal as a lifelong memory of his presence.
On 18^th March 2017, my Nanu went through almost an 8-9-hour surgery for his lip cancer treatment. On 21^st March 2017, Navroz (Persian New Year), he suffered a cardiac arrest at 4am but survived after being revived 5 times. The doctor, in fact, had told me that day to be prepared to let him go. Was I prepared? I don’t think so… He passed away 9 months later on Chandraat, day of the new moon. Was I prepared then? Mentally, perhaps but emotionally, I am still not prepared!! From the day of his surgery to the day he finally left this world, it was painful but also very inspirational to see how his Faith wasn’t shaken. I would like to hope and pray that I can have 10% of the courage, service, strength, belief and faith that he had. If I can manage that, I will consider my life a huge success.

I could write a book on my Nanu but I just want to conclude with the following lines of his favorite song:

Woh na milega ab tujhe, jiski tujhe talaash hai,

Raahon main aj be-kafan, teri wafa ki laash hai,

Yeh toh zara bata mujhe, tune kiya tha pyaar kyun,

Ae dil kisi ki yaad main hota hai bekarar kyun,

Jisne bhula diya tujhe, uska hai intezar kyun…

Happy B’day Nanu! RIP!

Peace!

Champ!