My Nanus!

This piece is dedicated to my Nanus (grandfathers).

Last week, my last Nanu (this seems an odd statement but what I do mean is the last one alive) passed away, may he rest in peace. 

A dear friend of mine asked me to write something on my Nanus, which I had thought I should anyways; and then tonight, a very, very dear friend of mine shared with me something she had written today and that triggered something in me so I am finally putting the whispers of my soul to paprer…

As far as my memory goes, I remember my times with 3 of them; my Nana (mother’s father) and 2 Nanus (Nana’s brothers).  All 3 of them have been significant figures of inspiration for me in my life but the one who had the highest and most significant impact was my Khan Nanu. Perhaps because I spent at least 16 out of the 26 years of my life with him, most of which was my childhood to youth days; and as science shows, that is the time we are shaped to be who we are. 

When I was in Mozambique, I saw my Nana once a day when we would go to my uncle’s place before going to Jamat Khana. My Nana was paralyzed and would always be on the bed with his beads reciting a prayer. He would see me and smile as if I was the sole reason of his happiness. Of course this was not the case because he loved everyone in the family but I will never forget how he would always smile despite the fact that he was unable to move or leave that room. If I spend half a day in my room, I feel so helpless and smiling would be the last thing I would do and here was a man, who was on the bed for years and never complained. I did not hear him ask why God has done this to him. In fact, he kept reciting prayers and taking God’s name. if this doesn’t inspire me to be anything but faithful, I just don’t know what would.

I connected well with him yet I spent a maximum of 10 minutes with him per day. 

There was something about him! I think I now realize, all my 3 of them had that unexplainable magic. The phrase I think I would use is ‘they were elevated’

One day in 2001, my Nana passed away in Nampula, Mozambique. At that time, I was only 10 years old and never understood how deep a gap death can leave. Today, I know; my God, I very well know!!

Before I speak about Khan Nanu, I want to talk about Sadru Nanu, who passed away last week. I always asked my Nanus to pray for me and Sadru Nanu always told me ‘how can I tell you, what is in my heart and thoughts? How can I possibly begin to explain what you mean to me?’While saying this, he would shed a few tears. When I returned from the graveyard, I went in to his room, near his bed I was going through his belongings to see if there was tasbih I could keep as a memory when I stumbled upon his little diary. I began to flip the pages just randomly until I reached a page that had my birthdate on it: “Rahim beta – 14 October 1991”. I cannot express the pain and the sorrow in that moment. It sank to the core of my heart. Indeed, I was not able to understand how much he loved me, and again, I mean the family. I am not afraid to mention here that he had 1 photo in his drawer, and it wasn’t of me but it is a pity that those in the photo never understood just how much this man loved them.

Death; funerals always leave a gap but Sadru Nanu’s funeral was probably one of the most painful for me – for sometime now, I knew it was coming but when it finally did happen, I thought to myself ‘perhaps a bit of more time with him would be nice’.
Time is never our ally so we must be very careful with how we deal with it. Most of us are busy giving time to those who value so little of us; we are simply a choice in their lives yet they are our priorities; I think I am very glad that regardless of how this approach of mine is thought of, I no longer give my time to everyone, especially not to those, who just don’t value me as a person.

My journey with my Khan Nanu or ‘budhao’ as I called him, is in itself worth a book. From the true meaning of service to making chai for Jamat Khana, from meditation to reciting a prayer, from having patience to showing emotions, from him carrying me to me holding his hand as he walks; I have spent a third of my life with my Khan Nanu. He would scold me for not attending prayers or breaking a glass in Jamat Khana playing cricket, and trust me, I have broken a lot of them; he would tell me that one does not need to have a uniform or position or title to serve; he would tell me his life stories; he would be patient with me on instances where I would be irritated with him; and he would always give me money before I set on a travel and say ‘buy chocolates, enjoy’. As I said, there is so much I can talk about my Khan Nanu and someday I will sit down to jolt a piece just for my time with him but I want to fast forward to 2017. He was diagnosed with lip cancer; had a 9 hour surgery, survived it, was recovering and 2 days later had a cardiac arrest that put him in the ICU on 21^stMarch; Navroz which is the Persian New Year; celebrated world wide. What is ironic is my father passed away on Father’s day in 2016 and just as the world was posting messages on social media sites, I was flying to Kampala for his funeral. On Navroz 2017, I spent a lot of my day right from 0430 till 2130 in and around the ICU. I think I am truly grateful to He who is above all else for the strength and courage He gave me!

Khan Nanu passed away on Chandraat, day of the new moon in September 2017. You know how a building is only as strong as its foundation; I can tell you, I have lost 2 of the foundations! After dad passed away, happiness and sorrow became almost the same thing; as if color had faded from my life, and till today, it is just not there!!

I know I have not done justice to this piece but I have written in the flow as always. I want to end this with a quote I loved from a piece my friend shared with me earlier this evening:

“Remember the days you prayed for the things you have now” – author unknown

Life is a very short passage in eternity. Say the I love you, sorrys the moment you get the chance because tomorrow is never, ever guaranteed. 

Peace,

Champ!

Whispers of the Soul

Hello!

This post is about my Jubilee Arts (a Diamond Jubilee initiative) submission. I am sharing below the photo and summary I submitted for JA.
With a very heavy heart, I had to accept that I did not go to the International Arts and ended up losing in the Nationals. Anyways, one can't have everything.

So here we go...

"Captured 38,000 feet above sea level somewhere between Tanzania and Kenya in 2015, this image is one of my most profound clicks. On December 1^st 2016, my father’s first birthday since his passing, I dedicated this image to him!

Since the age of 5, travelling has been my greatest desire and passion. To wander the world admiring the marvels of the Creator has brought immense happiness, peace and moments of reflection. Floating above the clouds, I found myself lost in a multitude of overcharged emotions that compelled me to capture myself in that moment in time, forever.

On 18^thJune 2016, my father passed away some 20 minutes after I had a telephone conversation with him. I travelled to Uganda early next morning and he was buried on 21^stJune. Many told me back then that time is the greatest healer of all and I will eventually learn to move on and forget; it has been 628 days today and the memory of each moment, from me learning he has gone till the flower I put on top of the grave, is fresh and alive!

Going through his things in the days following the funeral, I found an old Kodak camera and some dusty photos of him and his travels. I recognized the glimmer in his eyes, which I feel, is always reflected in my heart when I travel. That day, I realized that my eye for photography and love for travelling are actually a part of the many things Dad left for me, they are his legacy to me.

Every time I look at the image today, it reminds me of just how important time, especially the present moment, is!
I captured this when I was travelling from Dar es Salaam to Mombasa to serve in Global Encounters as a logistics support member. GE is without a doubt one of the best things that I have been a part of. A month before GE, I also got my first real job in Tanzania. This was a time when life began to teach me the difference between earning things rather than just getting them; a time when I was going to be away from my parents once again and that is tremendously difficult, even for a wanderer like myself.

Today, I miss those years of my life deeply. When I was in Uganda, I would often tell Dad how bored I am and my ambitions to fly high and be something. I am getting there indeed Insha’Allah but the time I spent with both my parents like the Golden Jubilee of Mawlana Hazar Imam is forever engraved in my soul. I have taught myself how to smile in times of despair and my faith and devotion to the Imam keeps me moving forward, but the whispers of my soul within are loud and keep reminding me of what I have been through to get here, and the legacy, which I must uphold."

By the way, I do welcome comments and observations you may have, so feel free to email me!

Peace,

Champ!

Instincts of an Introvert

A couple of folks, probably two who value my blog the most keep asking me ‘when are you posting next?’ I wish to tell them here that I only write when my heart feels it is time to let go, so it takes the right mood and timing. I also want to express deep gratitude for their appreciation and love towards this.

There are a number of thoughts in my mind right now, which I wish to express and as always, I don’t know if I will make sense but here we go…

As an introvert, there is a deep underlying pain as a result of not being able to approach someone. I have often said that sometimes you look or meet someone and your instinct tells you ‘get to know her’, but then you just can’t do it. Something somewhere deep within you is like that invisible barrier or wall that just doesn’t seem to lower down or fade. To others, this all sounds like an excuse but trust me, it is there and it is not a pretty one! Mark Twain said ‘some years down the line, you will regret things you did not do more than what you actually did’– I couldn’t agree anymore!!

I read someone’s blog who is nearing the end of her journey at a University as an intern in a foreign country and about to return back home, sadly someone I have known only for less than 24 hours. A line to quote is “…and next week will come time to wrap up and head home”. I was thrown back to 2014 when I was ending my final year in Mauritius and was heading back home after 8 months, which rather felt like 8 years. I had never been away from Dad or Mom for such a long time; well and today, Dad left me some 21 months back. Isn’t life a test all together? Amazing as it is, we think we are not strong enough to take something yet after a period of time, we stand still and look back to realize just how much we more we have gone through. It makes me resilient to know how much stronger I have become after all that is thrown and keeps getting thrown at me.

I also realize there are a number of things I thought I will write about and share but haven’t, like my UK/Turkey trip or my upcoming Summer trip, or my participation in Jubilee Arts and hope to go to Lisbon; trust me so much I could say and I hope some day I do sit down to write it all out. For now, I will touch on the Jubilee Arts bit because I feel it is necessary to do so.
I ended up in the Nationals of the Pakistan competition and did not make it to the International Arts competition where Ismaili artists from all over the globe will take part. Disappointed? Yes! I was hoping to go through but I will trust His plan for me, like I always have.
I was hoping to not only visit Lisbon but Krakow as well in the process; for Auschwitz has been a long-standing item on my bucket list.

So I conclude my thoughts with this; I would love to get to know more of this someone, the way is very blur but at least there is a way. As an instinct person, something somewhere clicked!

I am a wanderer on the path of life, moving along blurred paths that I don’t seem to completely understand many a times, searching but not lost for sure; and I trust Him to move me in only the direction where He wants me.

To the person I dedicate this article to:
“I hope to read ‘emotions’ more than updates in the blog in future.”

 Peace,

Champ!

My first travel of 2018!

“Jo honthon se na keh saka harf woh bhi toh hai,

jo ankhon se na  beh saka dard woh bhi toh hai,

yaad hai sab, mujhe yaad hai…’

I wanted to start this article with a couple of thoughts; the first are the lines from a song I heard lately which has touched me deeply. Music is such a cruel yet sweet thing; it digs an old dagger on the heart and then another piece becomes the medication to seal the wound again... such is my life!

The second is appreciation for all those who follow my blog but to a couple of special folks who asked me ‘so when are you writing next? I am waiting to read’. I am deeply touched by this gesture because until now I thought I just write to let go, which I am still doing but today I know there are those out there who do read me and feel the emotions these words are put down with.

A special mention to someone who reached out to me acknowledging just how much my blog meant to her. It was overwhelming and rather like a ‘fairytale’!

To you, I say thank you but also that my footsteps are mine and my words don’t do justice to the life I have lived and continue to live, so my words should not be the way you should look at life or lead yours. I am indeed grateful to you!

I was looking at my blog and I realize I never wrote about my trip to the UK and Turkey last year – unbelievable! I am travelling to Islamabad tomorrow and 2 hours is a long enough flight. I hope if I hit the right nerve to write, I will pull out my laptop and write about that trip. A lot of emotions and feelings that I did collect and tremendous memories I hold. My photos will speak to this but I think I should write about it so Insha’Allah soon.

I am travelling for the National Ismaili games in Pakistan. I qualified as Karachi men’s number 2 in singles; again, unbelievable!  I look back at my journey of badminton and I don’t think I ever took the game that seriously. Mia Hamm said “somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back... play for her.” In my case, clearly I replace the words girl with boy and her with him :p but this is a quote that justifies my badminton journey. I learnt the game from my best friend and never knew anything but to stand in front at the net and hit a shuttle that was in my range; anything else he would play it. Eventually I became the one who would pick everything and got someone to stand in front. It is indeed a fact that my doubles game is way better than singles and I am known to smash the person in front on the opposite end. Some may take that as unfair or whatever but hey! It is a game and not one for the weak-minded. I often tell people I am coaching that it is about your mind and a bit of fitness, not power. Manu think badminton is all about smashing; well that is why experience mostly beats power in the game. Anyways, so I am going for that tomorrow.

Allah, His mercy and His plans for us will never be understood by our tiny little intellect. The games were supposed to be last weekend but were changed. When they got changed, I was like ‘but why?’. Last weekend, I got shingles and had to be at home for 5 days in excruciating pain. The pain which is of the nerves is still there but at least now I am in some shape to travel and grateful that I can stand on court and last for a match or two. I don’t know the results or what will happen there, but whatever it will be, I am grateful to be a part of it and if or when I win, it will be my most courageous and satisfying win. One thing everyone who has played with me will tell you, there is no match the opponent just wins without me putting a fight!

I am also going to Lahore for a couple of days after the event in Islamabad. I am looking forward to that especially. I have planned to be at the Wagah border of India and Pakistan. It has been a long-standing wish to go to India but so far life has not allowed that. Let me hope that in future, an opportunity will take me to that part of the world. I look forward to capturing many photos on this trip and of course meeting my two friends I made in December in Islamabad.

Lastly, regardless of what the world has shown me, the rays of light and hope will always keep me going forward. My dad taught me never to give up or let life dictate terms so I will fight it, regardless of how low the path is!

Love & Peace,
Champ

PS: Why do I still use a nickname given to me by a friend who also left a dagger?! - I wonder!!

A different version of me!

I read someone’s blog; someone I absolutely adore and love to read; she wrote: 

“This is another version of me I don’t recognize. Should I accept it, give in to it? And when I know for sure it’s definitely not better than the previous me, how do I revert back?”

I could relate! I could absolutely relate!!

One of my second cousins who has seen me evolve these many years told me at a moment when we were bidding goodbye: “Today I feel I am meeting the Rahim who once gave me the Alchemist”. I am pretty surprised that she could meet that version of me because I am unable to meet him anymore.  I try to look for him but I seem to not find him. The one who had unreasonable confidence in long standing commitments and relationships; the one who was naïve enough to presume everyone says what they feel like with no hidden agendas; the one who had enormous confidence in humanity…today, this Rahim, I am not so sure if he does. Perhaps because he has been swimming in the deep end, and continues to go further where the sharks are; he has seen pretty much all of it. How you can get side-lined, or how all it matters is who you know and how well you  know them. OR Perhaps because he paid a price for his honesty and loyalty; he was gifted darkness for love, a darkness that is so deep that it follows him and much as he has climbed his way up, a song or a couple of lines of Faraz are enough to remind him of a time that was perhaps the most beautiful illusion of his life…I don’t even know if I made sense in the lines I just wrote!

So this version of me; I am in love with him, just like I was in love with the other version, and the many other versions that exist. The me today is confident, a touch way more extrovert, wickedest and evil sense of humor, sharp eye for people and yeah, a touch flirty. I often say that the-me today still has the heart of the me-yesterday. Some things never change you know; like my belief in the ethics of honesty and loyalty; like my vision to work for my Mowla, my love for Him; my love for photography, music, books, journaling and travelling; working out of cafés; and of course there are new additions to the list – some of which I can’t mention here :p!

This is life I believe that with time, people evolve and change, and we must accept that but most importantly, I feel it is critical for us to accept ourselves. If one cannot admire the person in the mirror, how will anyone else do so? Of course, we have all sinned, the depth of the sins of course is different but we have all sinned!

I don’t know what chord was struck in my soul when I read the lines I read and started this piece with; I don’t even know if this piece is any “well” written or understandable, but I have been thinking a lot about this version of myself – I am nearly certain that folks who saw me in my earlier days; high school days I mean (not that old you know!), would probably not like this me – after all, not so naïve anymore, you know!

Lastly, two lines written by Ahmed Faraz:

“kuch tu hi mere dard ka mafhoom samaj le Faraz,

hansta hua chehra toh zamane kay liye hai”

Peace,

Champ!

                                                      

Identity, Vision, Purpose...!

“Are you an Ismaili?”

In the past, I have written some critical and therefore not-so-pleasing articles, but the one I am writing today I think will really hit some nerves, especially the first paragraph.

I currently reside in Karachi and there are several Jamat Khanas (Ismaili prayer halls) in this city and I love to go to different ones but I mainly commute between a few of them. Regardless of where I go, being a single guy I am looked upon with eyes of suspicion. I usually prepare myself after parking the car that before entering the compound, I will be asked ‘where are you from? Are you an Ismaili?’ or even with just a “Ya Ali Madad” to see if I belong to the community. The pain of this exercise is so enormously hurting that I cannot explain this in words. The more it happens, the more it grows in me a bitterness towards this country I live in which is actually my home country. It also makes me ponder, is this what the world has come to? I see it as someone asking me of my identity; and being scrapped off one’s identity is one of the worst pains one goes through.

One of the fundamental needs of a human being on this planet is to have a sense of belonging to a community, to a family, to a practice, to a faith.

As of lately, I have been deeply disappointed at work. I have been hurt to see the unfairness that I knew exists and have seen in the past but to experience it again, regardless of the effort was hurting. I am short of words to explain the anger I feel but I see this as a learning curve. It is my belief that I will travel quite a distance on this road and of course, I won’t meet everyone I like so I should learn to work with a number of individuals. I can’t say anymore here so …

I feel there is this rebellious side of me, which is definitely dangerous for myself considering the way the world, operates! One other side of the argument is one has to leave a mark at the end of the day, right? I feel my philosophy is quite simple – say what you feel, be authentic and stay to the true north. I cannot understand why that is hard for others? The best person you can be at any point in time is yourself yet many of us spend our lives trying to be someone else. Why?!

I have so much to say but I want to conclude this much needed article with a quote by His Highness the Aga Khan III:

“In life, one has to be able to laugh; and even if we are looking at some difficult times ahead, we should look at those times with hope, unity and faith’

Champ!

Scattered Words...

"Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime"

I feel it is important that I scribble down something this evening because it has been long due since I last spoke my heart out and probably all of us know, the weight of feelings is the greatest barrier in life!

I was reading my last entry and I re-call how difficult a time of life that was. I was coping with the loss of my Dad (I still am), feeling scared and doubtful of the quality of work that I was producing, taking care of mother; indeed, it was a tough period but then I realize I wrote:

“What is ironic is every time I hit a low, I think to myself wow this one is a tough one and will I make it? – Next thing I know is months have passed and I am writing about how I fought the situation and I know a thing or two about struggling and never giving up.”

See, right now, in this piece, aren’t I doing exactly what I said I end up doing? He who is above all else is so Merciful, we will never know and understand.

I started this piece with a quote from my new ‘email friend’. I told her that I would mention her somewhere and life just made it happen. I am certain at least one person reads my blogs and that is her. I just want to thank her for reaching out to me to extend a hand of “friendship”. It is not easy to do so because majority of the times, ignorance and rejection is all we are replied back with.

The title of this piece says it all for me; far too many emotions regarding so many different aspects and I do not know how to portray them so I will just jolt down the top three; no wait; four! Top 4 things on my mind right now…

Unity Games; an event that is so dear to my heart and this year it took place in my favorite city of Mombasa. It was a dagger to not attend – financially it wasn’t the wisest of decisions. Sometimes when you have few drops of water left, it is better to spare now and walk a few steps further ahead in search of the river than to drink now and expect the Creator to come to the rescue, or worse, die on the horizon. I chose to spare the water and live another day.
I looked at the photos and said ‘another time Rahim, another time’

Work; it has been a rather tough weekend, not for the amount of work that I had but for the different emotions at work. I feel I am correct with the path that I chose though it might have hurt some people’s expectations but why do people expect from me? I am stubborn like the wind and sail my way, so why hurt yourself by expecting from me? I am convinced that I will not change this nature and I know it will cost me love, of someone or of people, but then again, life is a one-time road and living for people is an art but one should also consider oneself. The truth is though I have plenty on my plate right now and I am looking at several things when making decisions; above all is Mother!

June 1^st; I am about 6.2 weeks away from setting off on a 14-day trip; to the United Kingdom and Turkey. I couldn’t be more grateful and excited for this. I am someone who hates routine and to be in one place; I want to keep moving around and travel as much as I can; it is like my oxygen. I have an exam to give on June 5^th in Edinburgh, watch my first live cricket match at Edgbaston, the London eye, Gallipoli in Turkey and the reciting at the Ismaili Centre; just a few things on my list.
There is only 1 regret of my UK trip, yes I would say sadly a regret; I won’t get to meet my friend who was one of my primary reasons of choosing the UK. She is heading to Canada for a trip. I am so happy for her and I pray she enjoys to the fullest but for me, it is a missed opportunity – well, I wonder, hasn’t my life become used to those?!

Lastly, someone! So I want to get to know someone and I am unable to find a middle ground and as an introvert, I don’t know how to reach out. This is something on my mind for sure as of lately and I am hoping that He will create a path. I know, sounds too much of hope and less action BUT I know He will if it is meant to be. My habit of reading people builds curiosity and sometimes I really want to know more than what my eyes and instinct have captured; that is where it becomes an issue. Khair, life will find a way!

So, I want to sign off this piece with three lines from a song I heard this morning:

“Toote dil kay tukde lekar,

Tere dar par hi rehjaunga,

Main phir bhi tumko hi chahunga”

which translates to:

“With broken pieces of my heart,

I will remain outside your doorstep,

And I will still love you”

Peace,

Champ!