The Kid Who Dared

 

Everyone has a story, and this kid’s story is all about his love for travel. At the age of 5, standing next to his father on the balcony of their Kampala home, they watched in silence together, as a plane passed over. It was high but low enough to see every detail. That was the day that kid lost himself to the skies, forever!

 

18^th June 2016 was the darkest day of his life; he lost his father. Sometimes when we lose something, we pause and start looking for something in ourselves. Most of us pause, reflect and often, begin to search the meaning of this life. In August 2016, he finally pondered ‘if you were to die tomorrow, what do you want to be remembered for?’

The answer was obvious; ‘the kid who dared to dream but, more importantly, valued, cared and believed in his dream’. 

 

He once read somewhere ‘more people have been to space than to every single country in the world.’ The more amusing fact is, none have done it on a Pakistani passport. 

He wants to be the first! 

He wants to be the first!

 

There is no teacher greater than travel. When someone dares to take that first step outside the comfort of home, it changes everything about them. Leaving home and returning back is very different from not having left at all.

From the loneliness during those beautiful solo sunsets, to the cravings of ‘maa ke haath ka khana’ (mom’s food). From meeting people of all walks of life, to trying different cuisines. From learning how to budget to stay long enough on the road to going with the flow of life, from strangers turned to lifelong friends; there is practically no greater teacher than travel.

 

This picture reminds me of that kid. The kid who grew up in a lower and later middle-class family; his dad earning just enough to make ends meet. The kid who flew only 4 flights once in 3 years. The kid who watched all his friends fly to the US, Canada, and UK but, he couldn’t afford to go, and so hid his tears from the world. The kid who walked in the parking lot of Kampala’s Darkhana after morning JK, imagining endlessly of a day when he would just travel the world. The kid who was just stubborn enough to not give up on his dream. The kid who had (and still has) faith in Him who is above all else.

 

We make choices about our life based on what our friends, family, partner, boss want but, do we ever consider what we want? Do we CARE about ME? What is my dream? Well, this kid, he does! 

This picture is of that kid who dared to dream, hasn’t and won’t give up on it, till his last breath.

 

Everyone has a story, everyone; try to listen in...

Peace!

Champ!

KL: A bitter sweet love story!

After what seems like a lifetime, I finally managed to pen down this piece as I was being driven around KL on a recent trip. It comes from the deepest ends of my heart...

My love for Kuala Lumpur comes at a very heavy price. A price that I pay each time I am in the city; a dagger that stabs the deepest of the wounds of my heart, tearing apart the fault lines that I sealed years ago. My love for this city is not because of how beautiful it is but because I chose it for her, when I started my travels. I could have gone anywhere in the world, but I came here, for her. I chose KL for her, and it will always remind me of her. To be honest, it was one of the best decisions of my life for that travel showed me a lot and allowed me to become the person I am today. It was the one travel that allowed me to let go…of her! Every time I am in KL though, driving around or wandering it’s lanes, I put on our song and go into a flashback, of a time that seems nothing more than an illusion. An illusion in which she told me ‘tu humsafar, humnawa mera’

 

I remember that one evening like it was yesterday, she took me to an Arab restaurant, lied down besides me and I poured my heart out telling her how much it hurt to lose Dad. I showed her the darkest, shallowest ends of my heart and cried my heart out. I felt so alive that evening. Later that evening, I realised she was dating someone. Who would I have then gone to share how deeper that darkness became? I will never forget that drive we took, me at the back of the car, wandering to myself, if this is why Allah brought me here – to realise I had no hopes of being with the one person that Rahim had loved beyond limits, beyond lust, beyond himself… that evening, Rahim was freed from the chains of an illusion, ready to lose himself to the world, ready to let go of the one person he thought would be his; from that evening onwards, he would not have any expectations of any one, he would live for his dreams, for himself! He would also refrain from loving, for a long time…

In one evening, he had both gained and lost the person who brought him halfway around the world.

 

Life was something else with her in it. Life was life! Today, with all these travels, all these memories and all these adventures, I am so grateful but the moment I slow down and think of it, I am running away from my loneliness, my solitude… her absence. I am running away from feeling the depth of the vacuum she left behind in my heart, my soul, my existence. All it takes is that 1 song to trigger the emotion and when I think of it, it describes the reality; tu hi haqeeqat khwab tu hi; you are my reality, my dream. I don’t believe in changing anything about my life, because if I did, I wouldn’t be who I am today but honestly, if I could change a thing, it would be not being so naïve to allow someone to destroy my ability to love someone; it would be not allowing someone to disrespect the love they got, when perhaps, they did not really deserve it; it would be to be alone than with…

 

As I end this piece, I still want to tell you that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved. Choose love over everything else said Rumi but yes, be ready for the consequences – the root of all suffering is attachment said Lord Buddha – so yes, you can end up like me, with depths of solitude and darkness, always wandering and trying to stay ahead of it. Like me, you can end up in the most romantic of places, totally alone, sometimes, even without your own heart!!

Peace!

Champ!

Scribbled Emotions!

After quite some time, I managed to scribble down some thoughts. There are moments when I want to write but end up not writing, this time I did!

I refuse to allow myself to miss you,

Not because I don’t want to,

But because I don’t need to,

Because what should I miss about you; about us?

even though there never was ‘us’; now that I look back…

Should I miss the moment you walked away?

Or how you chose him over me?

Or the days I spent in tears and despair?

Or happiness that was robbed from me without warning?

Tell me, what is there for me to miss about you?!

 

I miss the feeling of being loved though, 

Especially on my travels when I watch couples,

When I watch two hearts kissing or watching a sunset,

That is a sharper dagger than anyone will ever realise,

In many ways, I travel to escape my loneliness,

Yet it is on the road when I am reminded of it the most,

That at the core, my heart is in a very dark, lonely place,

One it is both used and addicted to, now…

 

It is not like I haven’t given love a chance,

I have done it time and time again,

More times than I thought I would, 

the first time my heart was cracked to the core,

But each time, I was left with a piece of me ripped,

and each time, someone just decided to walk away,

one even said if we are ‘maktub’, we will meet again,

well, she sealed the cracks of my soul, which vowed,

it was time to just be, alone, a wanderer at best,

and so here I am on one of the most beautiful islands,

watching down a mesmerizing sunset, all by myself…

 

Peace!

Champ!

Emptiness

 This piece was written on 2 different days. The first 3 paragraphs are the original ones from a day when life seemed, as I have said, empty or meaningless. I have completed this on the island of Phangan at 0134 under the magical, serene, blessed and soothing sound of the waves and a powerful sea breeze - love nights like these!

Do you also have days, when you just feel so…empty…like life has no purpose; like life is as dark as the road on a moonless night; like you just don’t understand why you are here, on this planet; like you have everything you could possibly ask for, more so what others dream of having, yet you feel like there is so much missing; like there is a hollow gap deep within your heart, within your soul, within your existence; like you are so exhausted of the journey and just want Him to call you now; do you also have days like these?
 
I couldn’t be more grateful and blessed right now but there are days like today when all of this just doesn’t make sense to me. Why am I here? Why am I existing? Time seems to have stopped and everything around me blurred. I cannot explain it with words but nothing, even my beloved travels do not make sense at all. The irony is, to escape this emptiness, I want to travel more. My heart feels like taking shelter in an unknown land but how can a traveller ever escape their own shadow? Regardless of where I go, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts come along. So where can I really go?
 
On days like today, I look for reasons or answers to silence this noise. Perhaps I should stop wandering and find that someone who can be more than just a friend, but then I reflect and look at all those times when all those potentials just walked away, leaving me with even more darkness! It was like they were matchsticks giving temporary light when I had presumed that they were the sunrises. I am not saying I do not crave to have sunset walks with someone or sit by the beach at night, hand in hand while listening to those waves; I am just saying, perhaps I am not destined for such dreams.
 
Perhaps the answer is what it has always been: travel. Everything I have earned materially; I have spent it towards my dream of seeing more and more of the world. No one will ever understand why and how I do it – even I don’t sometimes! I just absorb and feel grateful for this blessing. As I type and conclude this piece, I am on the island of Koh Phangan, it is 0119 and I am listening to the waves, alone under the moonlight – I would be crazy not to feel humbled. I travel for moments, like these…
Perhaps the answer is my mom, who I haven’t met for 20 months now and that must be catching up with me. A week back home could solve it all. 
Perhaps it is service, which has always been a fundamental pillar and ethic of my life. For me, very few things bring more happiness than the blessing of being able to give back. 
 
Well, reflecting on all of this, I realize I am running, the faster the better and happier I am…I have always known that deep down, there is a very hollow space in my heart, and that is okay. Someone who I once had the privilege of knowing, wrote about how we all put on masks. I am just waiting for the day someone uncovers all of mine for me! Until then, I will take relief in that I belong to the fortunate few, who have found ways of covering our loneliness, our emptiness…
 
Peace!
Champ!

The Door In Between...

This piece is dedicated to each and every member of my Al-ilm family. I am indebted, forever for your love; your compassion; your patience; your respect; the moments of banter; the incredible memories, laughter and above all, your tolerance and acceptance (of me)! It means way more than I shall ever be able to express.

I heard someone once say, ‘there is a door between me and Him’. I cannot express enough the magnitude and depth to which I echo this line. When I look back at my life and there have been so many moments when I have seen, felt and touched this door, but it hasn’t opened, not as yet… I have always felt His presence right across and as much as I have prayed, whipped and begged; that one line, as faded as it is, hasn’t moved. You know what though, I am so grateful that it hasn’t because it keeps reminding me that I need to elevate myself further. It reminds me that there is a long way ahead and much must be done on my part to cross over. It keeps me grounded, just where I belong!
 
It is 0541, I am on a ferry to Donsak pier listening to Wohi Khuda hai by Atif Aslam: some moments can’t be put to words. I am heading to Bangkok to attend Navroz. How can I possibly express how grateful I am to He who is above all else!
I don’t think my words will ever do justice. I seem to have found home on the island of Koh Samui, as if this is where I belong and I don’t want to leave. It surprises me a lot because I am not one to settle down in one place, but this island seems to have synced with my soul. In fact, it is not just the island but the country itself that has grown on me, and does so more, each passing day!
 
When I resigned from the University, my only regret was not being able to work for Him anymore, because that is the primary reason with which I joined. 16 months later, I can say He has continued to bestow me with opportunities serve Him, especially through camps, which I am most passionate about – again, I am so grateful to Him.
 
Al Ilm is my family in ANZ! I have never met any one of them physically, but that doesn’t make a difference at all to what they mean to me! 4 days of camp felt too short!! It was Dec 2020 when I heard about the camp and expressed my interest to serve. I was glad that my application was accepted but as a facilitator – not my cup of tea. I was very happy to be a part of it, but I shared that I’d rather do logistics, which again, when I was accepted into the role, I was humbled. The one thing that I admired most about the team and the leadership was their acceptance of me without any bias, any judgement - this meant so much to me; even more so now!!
We discussed on our 1^st logistics call about the Zoom logistics and at the first core team meeting that I attended, Alykhan (head of the logistics team) put me on the spot to share with everyone – I blanked out! Shanik saved me!! :p It was a “maro mujhe moment” I thought to myself, I am supposed to be the guy who knows about Zoom and here I am *facepalm*. Then…I slept during one of our meetings, Jesus! Well, it was at 0400 and I decided to take it from my bed – big mistake!! I thought to myself ‘a relatively experienced logistics volunteer, who blanks out and sleeps during meetings’ – what a reputation Rahim!!
 
I earned myself the nickname “naming conventions”. Hosting calls; refusing to give co-host access: p; playing old-school music; being too critical at times; joining 2 zoom lines at once (and making the folks in the lounge attend sessions: p); always being in awe and sheer admiration of the talent, unity and bond of the team; taking the funny screenshots; discussing big boss; the Spotify playlist; the final day chaotic vibe; the emotional beginnings and endings; learning how to play 21; ‘maro muje maro’ and being a member of the famous ‘unfiltered break-out room #4’ – there is just so much to miss about the camp!
 
No 2 camps are ever the same and it is unfair to compare because each brings its own set of lessons, memories, friendships. It is also not fair for me to take any 1 particular name either because I made friendships and bonds all across, unique understandings and wavelengths with the different members of the team, but the camp allowed me to meet someone who I saw glimpses of myself in. I always say that he is a way more talented and focused version of me!! His honesty to serve with a purpose and dedication will be something I will always admire and give an example of. He will always be my bhai.
 
I carry the thoughts of each one of them with me. I pray for them. I am taking the first flight to Australia post Covid-19 restrictions being lifted – I am determined to do that, or they come to Thailand!!
 
This piece does not do justice at all, especially to a camp that brought a lot of meaning and happiness for me. I once again want to say that the way each member of the team accepted me, I am indebted!
 
I want to conclude by saying: there are moments when the door between Him and I is no more; I feel His presence right across me; I feel He is holding my hand and guiding me through – moments when I serve. It hurts me to see ‘narcissistic egos’ getting in the way of one’s inclusion to serve but I have confidence and faith in Him, and He will guide me (and others) through. I know this for a fact! I have faith!
 
 Peace!

Champ!

Conectar!!!!

Author's note: this piece is dedicated to each and every single member of my Conectar family :)

It has been 5 years since the first time I attended a GE camp, yet I still get very emotional, connected, and touched each time. Every camp since then has had its own special place in my heart. Somewhere along the journey, I have also had to sadly hold back (and it hurt a lot!) but that is a different story for another day. Today, a day after the winter camp ended, the shortest camp I might add, which I honestly thought and questioned in terms of connections that will be made has left me numb, speechless, filled with tears of joy for the honour of knowing a bunch of incredible individuals; even better that they feel like, in fact, they are a family to me.

 

Connectar or Conectar as Alisha would correct me, which I might add wasn’t even my spelling in the first place (she won’t accept this!), has become a part of my life without even realizing. I remember getting a call from the head of logistics for the camps months back and she asked if I had the time in December to do another camp. As the GM of a villa, Christmas and NY is a peak period so I hesitated for a moment but agreed to serve on the evening stagger; 1915 till 0330 for me. Crazy you might say? Well, my Nanu has left me with a legacy of serving and I value this blessing, this privilege very highly but above all, only the blessed get to serve. 
I got the confirmation to be on the team and connected with the Senior Staff team. Zara, one of my participants from 2015 was a co-OpD. I am so proud! So ideally, you do camp and post that, the conversations die but Zara and I have remained in touch. Her abilities to do all that she does at her age, inspires me, a lot!
I met Raheel briefly during the 2018 Pakistan camp; that was a camp I hadn’t fully immersed in though for personal reasons, so I knew him but not did not know him. I had never met Mother Nature or Planet Earth before (#conectarreference)! I am so glad that I now know all 3 of them; their energy, their thoughtful creativity, their dedication and their passion for teaching is something I will always treasure.

 

“I am not a cheater, but I love winning and I have ways of doing that within the ethical boundaries” – Mwalim Rahim

 

Every camp has special memories, mostly, it will be the little things that you will remember for years to come; things that break the ice; allow for bonding to happen and eventually bring you together as a family. I’d say for us, the ice broke during the 2 socials we held. Although they were a complete contrast of each other, but they did the job! Aamal – my partner in crime should always remember that we never cheated, it was simply teamwork, and Malika, I know will have a facepalm at this point; perhaps, the truth is stretched a bit… #codenames

I cannot miss mentioning the food connection we all share; travel stories with Alisha; Swahili with Nafisa (teach me more please!) and the incredible amount of sass, banter and sarcasm that actually bonded us even more. 

I remember the one time I was all serious with a very strict face and Nirali’s comment lightened the mood. 
Ruhafzo, I do hate that filter function!
And of course, I should co-host a mindful minute at the Church of Aisha!

 

I cannot believe how easily (and unbelievably - I must say) Taufiq bonded with the family. As a late entry, it is always so tough (believe me I know!), but he is incredible. Saadiya and Taufiq’s cabin was my regular check-in. I call Saadiya, Shadow. I guess this nickname finally has its real meaning – she is my Shadow; one of my most special people since 2015. I really miss having our ‘check-ins’ in Karachi every 6 months. Clifton JK and Xander’s; I truly miss those times. I enjoyed spending time in their cabin not as a Mwalim but just as a part of the cabin. Of course, I would be introduced as ‘the world traveller’ – so much of an ego boost :p. I hope they read the Macbeth! Also, the rule of thirds – I did improvise very well!! I am so proud *collar raised*!

 

I have always said facilitation is a very difficult role; one I would fail at, royally! Majdi’s facilitation during the family visits was truly remarkable. It was my 2^nd camp with him in a row and his dedication to giving back despite all odds against him is simply inspiring. On the 2^nd day of ‘office hours’, I think I put Ariana in the waiting room when I wanted to actually put Alisha HAHA. 
They say life is incomplete without pain and for me, I felt pain when Savsan wasn’t able to attend the closing. I felt how she must be feeling and even though she was able to join towards the end, it was barely a minute left. Earlier in the day, I was discussing with Shazia and Zara the piece I thought I should read during open mic but post-closing and given what I felt, I read a completely different piece and truly dedicated it to her. Her message to me, later on, is one of the most beautiful ones I have ever received. 

 

It is unbelievable when I look back at my calendar and most of us have only known each other for just about a month and a half; all virtually yet we have spent the last couple of days, if not more, having shed some tears. Nirali, your story has a very special place in my heart; ‘the door between us and Him’

For me, there is no logical reasoning for these kinds of bonds and there shouldn’t be one as such, but the one thing that does unite us is our allegiance to the Imam of the time. It is our faith in Him that brings us together, guides us in our daily lives and makes us feel that we should give back. Some of us woke up at 4; others did not sleep till sunrise; some survived on 4 hours of sleep for months while others gave away their earned holidays to the cause; words will never do justice to how I feel about all this.

 

Mwalimu Esmael once told me ‘live in the moment, Rahim’. There is perhaps no greater advice that I have taken seriously than this one. Life is one-way and time never stops or returns so do the things you want and express how you feel, today! As Nisha said ‘it is easy to ask for forgiveness than permission’ 

GE has transformed my life. My camp stories are endless, to be honest. I laugh and cry thinking of all the moments that are engraved in my heart like it was yesterday. They act as reminders of the incredible time I spent; discussions I had; embarrassing moments; connections I made; the inspiring young individuals I met who were giving back despite all the odds; the unity of the team during the highs and lows of the camp; the warmth around a borne fire on a cold safari night still warms my soul; as I said, endless! My heart is filled with gratitude for all the memories and Conectar is perhaps one of the most special ones for me. 
All of me loves all of you….

Peace!

Champ!

 

Me without Dad is Lifeless

Author's note: This piece was written last week I believe. It was a day when I was immersed and absorbed in Dad's memory. I was really, really missing him that day so I penned this.

My most sincerest gratitude to Shazia for editing it, however, most of it, is as raw as I wrote it.

Every day without my dad is tough but some days trigger something deep inside such that every minute feels like a dagger straight through my heart; today is that kind of a day! Days like today, everything in my life; everything, my travels, my ocean office, my beach life, the few stunning videos and photos I have/click; simply everything in my life seems meaningless, valueless, lifeless…

 

I was quite okay actually up until evening but then I decided to go swim and as I was standing at the shore of the beach, the waves knocking into me strongly and the feeling of the ground beneath disappearing as they went back, something clicked. The waves these days in Samui are rough and high even for places like Bangrak, where I live, and usually have the calmest of waters. 

Dad was one of my strongest supporters, a pillar of my existence and I did not firmly realize until he passed. He was a very tough father who instilled ethics in me the hard way, and I don’t think he cared as long as he made sure that I was being the best version of myself. My grandfather was blind and hence did not do much for Dad. My grandmother did multiple jobs including washing utensils at homes to feed the household. I am not sure at what age but very early, my dad began working and because he was not educated, he had to do hard labor work. He would often share stories of how he struggled in Dubai, many times cooking food in a large quantity, which would be consumed over 2-3 days because they would be too tired and exhausted to cook daily, plus they never had that kind of money. 
Anyways, this space is too short to share his stories, but I will add…

 

He went through very tough times during his life all for mother and I. he invested his savings in my education, and I am ashamed every time I think of the times, I fought with him for not giving me what I wanted, which were mostly things I survived without none-the-less. I remember one particular instance, wherein my argument I told him I wanted to leave the house and he said, ‘I will leave tomorrow and everything that is mine is yours’. To be honest with you, I feel very guilty at the core for all those times!

 

When I am sad, I usually like to drive with some music on, or I write and pour everything. On this beautiful island of Samui, I can do both. I drove to my favorite viewpoint which has an amazing powerful breeze and the sight/sound of the waves crashing; I love it! This place touches me in ways I cannot explain. It is my “spot”. 
I am seated across, sharing what I am feeling as I sip my tea. How blessed am I, I cannot express! You know what though, I’d trade it all if I got Dad back. I miss having that one number I could dial to say, ‘I love you Dad’. The man who understood that his son’s heart had been hurt beyond repair, had given up on love and wandered; he understood his son’s passion for travel and why he always needed to be on the road or “Up-intheair!”; he understood his son was not a follower or a yes person and hence would not be society’s favorite kid; the man who believed in his son’s dream, regardless of how big they were for him.

 

I truly miss my father, whether I say it or not, and regardless of how it’s been 1,647 days since he left and as many more to come; I will always continue to miss him…

Peace!

Champ!

Piercing Nostalgia

 Author's Note: I honestly don't know why I ended up writing this piece or how. I think something triggered me yesterday; a song, a memory, a feeling and I thought I'd just pen down what I felt.

Kuch aise hadsay hojate hai zindagi main Faraz,

Insaan bach toh jata hai, mager zinda nahin rehta...

Sometimes, very few times but very strongly, I feel like starting over. I feel like cleaning the slate of my life of all those who have been anchors of pain rooted in my existence. I feel like deleting them, if possible, at all. I can of course do it on social media and delete their numbers but how can someone be erased from memory? I have tried it you know; muting someone’s stories and posts on Instagram and it worked remarkably well, until that song played that I had once sang for her on a voice note, or the song she shared with me…all it took, was the first note of those songs and right there, she returned! So no, social media blocking isn’t good enough and there has to be a better way, or a way at least; because it hurts a lot to live with shadows knowing they will never become a reality for you. My fav poet once said ‘tu jo na mila toh marjaenge Faraz; kitna haseen woh jhoot bolta tha’, meaning, ‘if I do not get to have you I will die, what a beautiful lie she used to tell me’. 

 

“Maktub” is a word from Paulo’s book the Alchemist, and it is tattooed on my neck representing my belief that if things are meant to be, they will happen because it is written. Truth be told, I hope that some people are not written for a 2^nd chapter of theirs in my life. And just as I am typing this, her song plays on my playlist; mujse pehli si mohobat mere mehboob na mang… 

I think life is about choices and we make them every single day from what to put on, who to text, what to eat…who to love! I don’t want to be someone’s 2^nd choice! I want to be chosen because someone feels ‘right’ with me, not because life has brought them back to me. I think Khalil Gibran said ‘if you truly love someone, let them go. If they returned, they were yours and if they do not, they never were’. I fully disagree to this actually. Why would you want to let love go? I know circumstances do happen where we are not ready for it and sure you let it go (I have too) but don’t expect it to hang around or come back. Life is not a Bollywood movie or a fairytale where it is ‘happily lived ever after’. Life is like an airplane, which you board when you come into this world, and every major decision is a pushback from the gate you were on – there is no going back…
One of the best individuals in my life, who I can honourably say I had a connection with once told me ‘you are either enough for someone, or you are not; sometimes, it is that simple, Rahim!’ 

 

I don’t know what triggered me to write this piece but after such a long time, I have written without stopping. I was thinking and reflecting on certain individuals in my life, who are there but are not there. It does not affect or bother me all the time, but every time I think about it, I wonder if they even remember me; or our conversations; generally, what we had... I honestly can’t say they do. Their existence and presence triggers the strongest possible nostalgia, but it is all part of life, isn’t it. I want to end this piece with another one from Faraz:

“Hai dafan mujh main kitni rounaqein, mat puch Faraz,

Ujjr Ujjr kay jo basta raha, woh shehar hoon main”

Peace!

Champ!

Silence (II)

 Author's Note: I have been meaning to finish and post this piece for almost 4 months now but laziness and the island way has got to me. A very close friend reminded me that I hadn't posted a piece in a while. She is one of my most valuable friends! She has been by my side and understood me as a person rather than judge me, even when I chose certain paths (I will write about this openly, some day!).

I started this piece in September in Kanchanaburi and finished it in December in Koh Samui. I only like to pen down when my emotions are in sync.

Last year, I traveled to East Africa for a month and wrote a piece relating to the silence I experienced and felt in the region (http://whitelyz.blogspot.com/2019/09/silence.html) . A reader had commented asking me ‘how has the experience of the silence affected me’

Trust me when I say this, I have had this question on my mind all along because of two reasons; that was the first time any reader had ever asked me a question on any of my pieces. It made me realize that somewhere, there were those who read me and somewhat, perhaps my words touch them. I also felt personally very intrigued by the question and it made me reflect on it a lot.

I am currently traveling for a week within Thailand and I have felt the same peace within this region (Kanchanaburi), so I am finally going to scribble down my thoughts on this…

 

I had to stop the piece and never found myself to write again but I wish to continue it right now as I stare down the ocean with a cup of tea, from the pier next to my beach house.

 

Firstly, the silence I felt at Erawan was different and unmatched to the silence I had felt back in East Africa. I think I know the reason; the area I was in at Erawan has a dark history due to WW2. In 1942, the Japanese decided to act upon the plans developed by the British in 1885 of building a railway line between Burma (now known as Myanmar) and Thailand. The railway plan was extremely dangerous and risky. A lot of prisoners of war lost their lives due to the harsh and inhumane working conditions under an already-overly ambitious project. 

 

It is one of my favorite places in Thailand because the soul recognizes the pain, and your life seems to come to a standstill. Death leaves a deep, dark and piercing silence consisting of the screams of those who endured the worst that humanity has to offer. Truth be told, the silence can be “heard” and felt for as long as time exists…I feel the pain of history and reflect on how life must have been back then. This is why I am fascinated with historic sites – they let you imagine and feel (although one can never fully feel what happened) the events that took place back in time; it is like you have time traveled! I don’t know how many of you feel this way but whenever I go to a place with a history, it’s as though the place tries to show me what happened there. It tries to connect and relate to me.

 

So, the question: how did the silence affect me? At first when I reflected on this question, my thought was ‘well, in no way did it. I mean it brought peace but that was only while I was there’. And so yes, I think the straight answer to this is it was a blessing for it silenced or quietened my soul. At the time, I was living in Karachi which in my opinion is a very fast, busy, dusty and highly disorganized city. Yes, you guessed it right; I am not fond of living in Karachi. I lived there for almost 4 years and the traffic irritated and pissed me off just as much on the last day of my time there as it did on the 1^st. What is more upsetting is Karachites take pride in that!! Well, I fancy visiting it for a couple of weeks or so every year or even twice a year but to live there is definitely a no-no for me. In contrast to this, Arusha was really quiet, peaceful and organized to a certain level. It did not have crowds or shops/restaurants and markets open till late night; it felt like I have traveled a few years back in time.

 

Whether we accept it or not, our hearts and souls need that cool-off every now and then. Our fast-paced lives have a tendency to make us forget that at the core, this world is a mere materialistic stop on the path of spirituality. When we visit islands or nature filled places, the mind’s focus changes from work or money to ‘life’ (and for those it still doesn’t, I feel sorry) and hence it appeals more to us. I have not heard anyone say they don’t like the beach; sure, they may not want to live on an island but definitely wish to spend time there; why? Because it brings that sense of balance, peace and belonging. We may not realize or accept it, but The Creator has created places where His presence is felt stronger than in other places; of course, He is everywhere but, in some places, it becomes easier to connect with Him. I find places like Arusha one of them.

 

On second thought, what did greatly affect me was the travel itself. I was on the road for a full 4 weeks; the longest I have been on a ‘travel’ away from home. I have always seen things as a piece of the larger puzzle or a stroke of His paintbrush on His canvas of our life, so I felt this was a sign of things to come. I learnt how to survive out of a suitcase and be very mobile. I flew between cities every 2-3 days, Alhamdulilah. Between meetings in the city or hotel, meals at airports, working at 36,000 ft and taking a nap in the car during commutes; I was the happiest I could ever be!!

Fast forward to 2020, one of the best decisions I took was to buy a bag pack, out of which I travel now. Although I haven’t done a major or International travel out of it due to Covid-19, I am doing 1-week travels in Thailand and for those who know how heavy I used to travel, this is a major transformation! I think I am being driven towards a point, where I will be able to do a full-time travel and just keep going; although it is tiring and tough. Even for wandering souls like myself, we like to come back to a point we can call ‘home’. There are many times when as I approach the end of the week, I feel exhausted and tired. I know if I was traveling full time, this wouldn’t happen but holding a 9 to 5 job yet being able to pursue travel is not easy. I am very grateful to be able to pull it off.

 

As I finish this piece, 4 months after I started it, I am seated outside my beach house, immersed in the sea breeze and listening to the loud sound of the waves (which I absolutely love!) at 0140. What is missing; Chai!!

Anyways, I hope I have done some justice to the piece and to respond in kind to the person who asked me the question. I do welcome more questions and hopefully I will get back with a response in a much shorter time period than I did take for the 1^st question.

Also, you don’t need to travel long distance to call it travel or find the silence. When I was in Karachi, a late-night walk around AKU did the same justice as a beach walk in Koh Samui does for me today; it is not about the location but the perception of it that matters. Keep traveling, there is no better way to expand the horizon, grow and learn! 

Peace!

Champ!

I miss you, sometimes only!

 Author's note: Although I thought I won't write any 'love' related pieces, however, lately, I have really been meaning to pen down this piece, which was meant to be a general "miss you" piece from one to another distant lover or ex but I ended up keeping someone in mind as I wrote it. Although this person and I were never 'together', she impacted my life in a great way. My advice, don't be like me and if you have someone in mind as you read this, reach out to them, have a conversation and even possibly, express that you miss them...

I miss you, sometimes; only sometimes!

Lately, I have been thinking about you, about ‘us’,

Once upon a time, there used to be an us,

And then with a blink of an eye, it all just disappeared,

If you remember, I always said we were ‘maktub’,

As much as coming close was written, so was parting,

But I honestly thought and felt we were stronger than this.

I mean our connection as two wandering souls,

As individuals, yes, we are very strong,

Focused, determined and honestly, extremely stubborn,

After all, we do have a lot of similarities,

I don’t know about you, but many a time I feel like saying hi,

I feel like telling you that I went through your page,

And I see you have travelled a little more than before,

I feel glad about that; I am happy for you,

I want to ask you about it, what you did, how you felt,

But I don’t pass the first hurdle itself, which is saying hi,

A lot of that is to do with she hasn’t said a word in months; she let go and so don’t bother; don’t chase shadows,

Yes, that is my stubbornness and my ego,

But a little part also reminds me how we connected…

 

Every once in awhile, I see your seen on my stories or like on a post,

And somehow, I think to myself ‘perhaps she will write to me’,

I ask myself ‘doesn’t she have questions about my drone; about my experience with it’,

And days pass by with absolute silence in the air,

And I come to terms, again, with the reality of our lives,

I am afraid gone are the days for us,

I deleted our WhatsApp convo, 

Remember, the one with all the starred messages,

So now I can’t go back and listen to your voice notes,

I avoid listening to ‘aj jaane ki zidd na karo’

I also reminded myself that you chose for us, not to be us,

So, if you do end up reading this piece, don’t think much,

I mean I know you won’t, it doesn’t matter to you,

I just wanted to say that I honestly thought we were better,

And yes, sometimes; only sometimes, I do miss you,

And when I do, I listen to our other song,

mujse pehli si mohobat mere Mehboob na mang…

 

 

 Peace!

Champ!